Feeling Crushed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Feeling Crushed
12
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 1:50am

Wow.....I've had a rough day. I'm posted out in a rural village for my summer practicum right now. We got a call this morning from a hysterical lady saying that she had found her girlfriend collapsed on the floor, not breathing. It was too late, and the paramedics called it at the scene. She was 25 and the mother of 3. She was one of our patients who we sent home 2 days ago. I had only met her briefly the day she was first admitted.

After another nurse got the lady on the phone to calm down and call the ambulance, my preceptor turned to me and with disgust dripping from her voice said "A *woman* called about her girlfriend?!" I quietly explained that women can have girlfriends too. She flat out said that "no they can't....that's just wrong." Later it was ascertained that it had been the boyfriend who had found her and his mother was calling the hospital to which my preceptor, the nurse I'm supposed to emulate, sighed in relief saying "I didn't think we had any gays here."

I'm really upset. I hurt. I don't know what hurt worse, the loss of such a young life....only a few years older than me....or the uncompromising, unmasked intollerance of a whole group of people that I happen to be a part of....from someone who I though should be accepting everyone where they're at. Whoa.....I think I'm going to have to proces through this one, and I hope you all can help me wrap my head around it. Cause right now, I feel like jumping in my car, getting the hell outta here and jumping back into the closet.

P.S. no one here knows about my orientation....i keep personal and school life seperate

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 2:58am
That's sucks. My partner is a nurse in a NICU and the hospital she worked at has same sex benefits. When she was interviewed, she told them up front that she was a lesbian and she wasn't going to hide. She did this before her interview was complete. Hang in there once your training is done you can find a hospital that is more open minded. All the nurses she has worked for treated her with love. At the company Christmas party we held hands and danced together. All the men's mouths dropped watching us! lol It was cool though because everyone talked to us both and treated us like family.

hugs


halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 3:15am

I've never personally experienced that kind of venom towards gays. I think I'd be as upset as you and don't blame you at all for wanting to jump back into the closet.


I had to look up the word preceptor. Is this accurate to your situation, 'Preceptors are student volunteers who assist the staff professor and teaching assistants of a large lecture class by helping design certain lessons and holding their own office hours and review sessions. In some cases, volunteers are required to take an outside class focused on leadership development, where their final grade is determined by both the lecture professor and leadership development teacher. Thus, the preceptor earns credit for their preceptorship.' ??


If at all possible, someone above this woman needs to know how horrible she was. Cos that's crappy leadership she's demonstrating. That kind of opinion has no place in a work situation. What if it affected the level of care she was prepared to give to someone who was gay?


And here I'd always looked to Canada as a model of tolerance and embracing diversity. *sigh*


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 7:44am
Celia,
I think the whole thing is very sad.
You sure did have a rough day.
It is scarey that people who are supposed to be taking care of us could hate us so much.
There are people out there who are just very ignorant and don't understand us. I think sometimes
it even scares them.
At least you stood up for us. You did a good thing when you thought that woman was gay. I respect you very much for that.
I am sorry that she did not make it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 8:22am

Hi Celia,

Well, that was a bit of a shock after I read your post. Sometimes, I guess, intolerance shows up when it's the least expected. Think your preceptor either needs serious sensitivity training or she should learn to keep her opinions to herself, or maybe she should just retire. Either way, you don't have to go back into the closet. It's ok to be yourself, without having to reveal your sexual orientation.

Gays and Lesbians aren't innocent of judging of sexual orientations. Sometimes, as gender variant people, we have a tendency to forget that there are other sexual preferences out there in the world, ie Bisexuals, Transgenders, asexuals, and pansexuals. Narrow-vision is a chronic disease, of which we all are guilty of.

You'll be ok, just hold on and stay out of the closet, and remember closets are for clothes.

Thanks,

Sebastian




Edited 5/20/2007 8:27 am ET by igentleheart

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 9:32am

It seems that homophobia is worse in the more rural areas where the communities end up more close knit, though this certainly doesnt make it right, it at least gives you a 'reason'.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 9:50am

I'm sorry that you had to go through this. It was bad enough finding out that a patient had died without having to listen to someone else throw out prejudice against them. Like someone else said, homophobia is so much worse in rural areas where a larger percentage of people are ignorant about worldly matters. The last place that I worked was a smaller town and I remember a time that one of the ladies that worked under me started some light gay-bashing with some other folks that were not under me. I went ahead and told them all that they should watch what they say because you never know if someone in our group might be gay without our knowledge and that they might hurt someone's feelings without even realizing it. They actually seemed to heed what I said, but I never did tell them that I was the one feeling a bit offended LOL

Just find satisfaction in the fact that you are a bigger and smarter person. Maybe you will be just the influence that they need :)

-Leaf

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 7:18pm

Thank you all for responding! I can feel your hugs and your support. I figured it'd be easier to respond to your posts all in one, so here goes...

halo: Awesome you can both be so open at her workplace. The next site I'm going to should be better (only 2 weeks to go). The daughter of my head nurse there is openly lesbian, and her mom seems to be ok with it. I don't think I'd have the courage to be so totally open at work at this time. But I hope to one day be strong enough to do as your partner has.

nony: Glad you've never had that kind of experience. How preceptorship works where I'm at is there's an experienced nurse who's been identified as having a great practice who's willing to take on a student one-to-one. So as a student, I get sent out to this nurses' hometown and whatever shift she works, I work. Nights, days, weekends I'm there. My clinical instructor is still in my hometown and I report to her and hand my assignments into her. Through communication, my preceptor and my clinical instructor grade me, but the preceptor has greater weight because they're the one who actually sees how I do. The preceptor herself is not in a course or being graded. She does this because it's part of our professional code to help in what ways we can to educate the next generation. There isn't even a monetary benefit for her as there is with the doctors. She is a nurse who I'm suppose to model. But I'm sure not going to model everything she teaches me. I'm worried about that kind of opinion affecting patient care too, but I'm not even sure how to bring it up. She is the most senior nurse and the shop steward. My hope is this is just one pocket negative in a country of acceptance.

Laurie: I think it's scary too. I've heard some nurses say they treat everyone the same even when they have such strong opinions against some people: homosexuals, substance misusers, domestic abusers. And they do, to a point. Sure they hang the iv med at the right time, the bed is made, they get their assessments done, but the *care* isn't there. It's hard to name, but there's a difference. If this rural rotation teaches me nothing else, I've learned to truly *care* for everyone. Everyone's got a story of how they came there, and I know that as someone caring for them through this time, I will become part of that story.

Sebastian: Thank you for your support, Sebastian. It's taken me a long time to get to the point I'm at, and I really don't want to go back to the closet, I'm just scared and hurt. My next shift starts in a couple of hours, and it's my midterm evaluation tonight, so I don't think I'll rock the boat just yet. Thank you for your point about narrow-mindedness. I wish there was some way (a pin or something) that I could identify myself to others that I'm accepting of alternative living arrangements without tipping my own hand in a possibly hostile work environment. Any ideas?

Caly: Good point that it my be more of an issue here because of the rural part. I've noticed that there is a different feeling here. Everyone really does know everyone else and how they're all related. I'm a totally lost outsider. I expected that. I'm really hesitant about reporting her to the supervisor, because as I said to nony, she's high up there. The only one above here is the hospital director, and he's only one week into the job and stressed to the max as it is. From what I've seen, at best they'd ignore me, at worst I'd be patted on the head and sent on my way as a little student who doesn't understand the grownup way that this hospital runs. Either way, I'm not seeing a real way to have meaningful change. Maybe retirement is an option....*sigh*

Leaf: Wow! Good for you taking a stand with your coworkers. I think how you said it was awesome....non-blaming, gentle and effective. After reading through your post and the others who have responded, I'm now trying to find a way to be that influence. I've only got a few shifts left here, and chances are, I'm not coming back here to work when I grad. Maybe I'll find a moment on my last shift to let her know my orientation and just let her think on that. I have no idea how that would go down though...

Thank you all so much for responding....you've certainly helped me process through this. I have a lot more thinking to do (and maybe a bit more feeling too.)

Cheers! Celia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 7:36pm

Hi Celia,

You probably will have read this after your shift tonight. The only thing I can suggest is to just keep cool. Don't reveal anything about yourself. It's no one's business about who you fall in love with, or even that you are a lesbian. Just do what your supposed to do and get through you're training.

But a word to the wise, cover yourself. Meaning, take down notes about things that are said or perceived as homophobic, or anything that isn't a part of your training or job. In the long run, in case you have issues with your trainer, you have the notes to prove what she said and when. It would also be the wisest thing to do, by making as many copies as you can and keep them in a safe place.

So, if there's an issue of her complaining about your performance or anything else, you have yourself covered. Continue to be yourself and don't let anyone run you back into that stifling closet.

I do hope my suggestion has helped a bit, hugs,

Sebastian

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 10:36pm

Celia,

Wow, what a day! It's hard to lose a patient and deal with such hatred in one day. I would expect more professionalism from a nurse because in nursing you see all kinds. I'm a patient care tech ( working towards my resp therapy degree ) and I am out at work. Like you I do not out myself to patients, although I've had 2 lesbian patients ask me my orientation. I've never seen any homophobia from the nurses I work with towards myself, other gay coworkers or gay patients.

Medical professionals should be free from judgement towards their patients, but that doesn't always happen. I don't know what I can say to make you feel better about this, because you probably feel like you've been slapped across the face. I will say that if you are not going to be working at this facility once you graduate that you should speak to this nurse's supervisor at the end of the practicum. You don't have to out yourself, but someone needs to call this woman on her innapropriate behavior.

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this and I hope things get better.

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 3:08am
((((((((((Warm Hugs Hon)))))))) Wow that is soooo sad.. and scarey!~ I often think about the fact that at Emergency rooms there could be that 1 or more.. that is against Gays and to end up in their care is scarey.. Our Drs. that we see.. are Gay themselves so thats a plus but we are not sure how some of

 C  >^. A .

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