new with questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
new with questions
9
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 10:36pm

Hello everyone. I've been reading your posts for a while now. Another lurker. My story won't be totally shocking, but to me it's been total upheaval. Here goes.

I'm married for almost 12 years-three kids. I'm 37 years old. My husband is a really good guy, not much to complain about. We've always been more friends and I enjoy his company. Life going along just "fine" until I fall for a woman. She's also married with kids and there is virtually no chance of a relationship. As a matter of fact, I'm trying to be her friend, as she's more messed up than myself. She's a very conflicted person and I can't be sure she feels the same, although I suspect she does.

Anyway, I have been in counseling for a few weeks now. It has really helped me already, but I'm really struggling with the sexuality issue. The first person I ever loved was a woman. She was my high school softball coach and there was no chance of a relationship. I went on to have two more relationships with women, one in high school and one in college. But there was one major issue. Both women made love to me, but I couldn't bring myself to reciprocate. I did do some stuff through clothing, but never oral sex like they gave me. I really loved kissing them and felt truly comfortable with them in other regards.

Has anyone else had that issue before? I always felt bad I couldn't give them pleasure and now it makes me question so much. Here are two interesting things. Since this new woman, even though we have never done anything, I have come "alive". After three kids and hormonal issues, I was always needing to lubricate for sex. Now, I'm practically always "lubricated", if you will, when thinking of her. I enjoyed sex with my husband, but there has always been something missing. I enjoyed sex because I've always liked sex. Does that make sense? But I don't like kissing him the way I liked kissing a woman.

The other odd thing is, I always secretly wished my husband would have an affair with another woman, or I would see women on the street who I think he would be better suited with. I always thought it was weird to think so, but now maybe it makes sense. I even had a dream the other night he was sneaking around with another woman and it actually aroused me.

Now ladies, I know none of you are going to be able to tell me if I'm a lesbian. I'm on the road to discovering that out. I just wondered if any of you had these or similar experiences. Or maybe some advice or friendly suggestions.

thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 7:14am

Hi Passionlesblife.jpg


I am so glad you came out of lurkdom,

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 3:25pm

Hi Caly. Thanks for your response. I know it will take more time, and with the therapy it will make things more clear. I suspect that I was-and still am a bit-conflicted about my feelings for women. I was so young then-with no support to help figure out what was going on. I decided to take the "safe" route and marry and have kids. I grew up in small town midwest and now I'm in California, with a lot more options to consider.

I'm not the kind of person to go out on my husband and experiment to find out some answers. For me, sex is very personal and there has to be a strong emotional/soul bond. I don't go around lusting after every woman I see. This particular woman, I just long to hold her and tell her my whole life and oh yeah-I would love to kiss her. But like I said, it's friendship for now-and probably always. So I have no way of figuring out any of this with a person right now.

I'm glad I found you all. I'm sure I'll be posting more in the coming days.

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 4:07pm

Welcome to the board, passiongrl. You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders about all of this. Going to therapy is one of the best things you can do. I hope it will continue to help you on your journey. It's good that you are not making any hasty decisions. Take care and do come back and post more!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 4:34pm

Yes I have had the sexual issue before. With my first gf I tried to do stuff down there to her and totally freaked out. I was 16 years old and not totally comfortable with myself sexually. She was always more than happy to please me. I have been with another woman after that and I had no problem "doing the deed". At first it was scary, but afterwords it was so rewarding.

I have also wanted my husband to find someone else. I guess it is not a turn on for me, its just that I know he loves me and I do not want to hurt him. I wish he would find someone else so I do not have to do the hurting. I have my first therapy appoint this Sat and I really excited to go. (I know wierd, huh)

I am a newbie too and trying to sort out all my feelings also. I can tell you that these are a great group of gals and they are really accepting, friendly and very helpful.




Edited 5/21/2007 4:41 pm ET by brown_eyed_momma
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 4:57pm

Hi brown-eyed-momma. Thanks for your reply. I also don't want to hurt my husband. I'm afraid it's too late. While I didn't tell him about my feelings for this woman, I had to tell him I'm unhappy and struggling with staying married. He's a really good man and deserves to be with someone who feels all things for him.

This is all hard, but I'm glad it's happening, as I want to live an authentic life. I know we can help each other here. I'm so thankful for all of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 5:01pm

Hi Ting. thanks for your reply. It feels good to have some people who understand some of what I'm going through.

One of the really hard parts right now is knowing that the person who triggered this whole thing will probably never be able to love me back in the way I will need. She's truly wonderful, but much more conflicted than I am. I feel so much tenderness for her, and I struggle with my feelings for her, try to only give friendship and expect little in return. And at the same time face the possibility of then end of my family. I want to tell myself that this is all helping me get ready for maybe someone wonderful down the road, but I feel pretty alone right now. I suppose it's something we have to experience to live authentic lives.

Anyway, thanks so much for listening and taking the time to respond

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 8:44pm

Hi Passion!! You don't have to feel alone. One of the first female "couples" that I met (they were actually both bi and had boyfriends "on the side") had a relationship whereas they kissed each other, but only one of the girls went down. Also, the first time I was ever with a girl, I went down, but she was not ready for that. It absolutely did not matter to me because I got where I wanted to be without even being touched LOL I can understand the thing with your husband, too. I have actually fantasized that there was another woman in our bed while we were together because it helped me be aroused. Sorry for all the personal information, but I thought you might like to know that you are normal...well...okay...you are not any more weird than I am, anyway LOL

Part of your situation is similar to mine...I am struggling with the heterosexual marriage thing and I have the most wonderful husband I could ever hope for...so I feel your pain. Best of luck and keep hangin' out!! :)

-Leaf

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 3:54pm

We're so glad you're here. It's good that you recognize the nature of your relationship with the woman who triggered your feelings and that she has some issues of her own to work through. Perhaps it's best that you have some time away from her to sort through your feelings. I know that's easier said than done, right?


At any rate, your journey will be hard but in the end you will be a much stronger person for it. Don't give up pursuing your own happiness.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 5:23pm

The funny thing about this woman is she's been reaching out to me for so long, and I finally recognized it and reached back. But then she pulls away-or puts up walls. Then she reaches again. I have this strong connection to her that's almost too strong-if you know what I mean. I can literally feel her. I finally figured out she really longs for intimacy, but backs off when it becomes too real. I'm trying really hard to just show compassion for her, because she really is much more messed up than I am.

It can be hard to just sit by though. I did think about just walking away, but my thepist says I can't. My therapist is a Jungian (a student of Carl Jung-psychoanalyst). She believes, as do I actually, that there aren't any coincidences. She believes that we were brought together for a reason, although she doesn't think we will end up together. She says I need to stick out the time together to figure out the significance to my life. And I know she's right. So-I'm sticking to it.

I only see her 3 days a week. She's a fitness instructor where I work out. I take her classes. And working out is such a stress relief for me-don't really want to give it up. She's the sweetest little thing and I love her dearly. I just needed to get that out-because I can't tell her!

Thanks again for the support. You guys are great!