my heart is breaking

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
my heart is breaking
23
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 9:23pm

I kept trying to start a post to tell you all about the woman I love. But everytime I started writing it, I stopped because I know no one can give me any answers. I know I'll never be with her. I know I need to find a way to get her out of my system. And now I have to live everyday with a husband I'm not sure I'm staying with and try and be a good mom. Sometimes it's all I can do to just put one foot in front of the other.

I even post to others telling them that they'll make it through, yet I'm a basket case right now. I keep telling myself if she'd just call me or give me a reassuring sign, I'd feel better. But I know that's not the answer and it sucks. She made me feel special and I fell for it and now I'm sitting here all alone typing to strangers. (no offense-you're really great strangers).

Thanks so much for listening. I need to fix dinner for my kids, but I just had to say I feel really crappy and trying to see the good in all this!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 12:00am
Hi Passiongrl and welcome.. Glad you did decide to post.. We may not always have answers

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:37am

Hi Cat. Thanks. I did post before, but still haven't said much about this woman. It's pretty complicated and takes too much to tell the whole story. Basically, she reached for me first. I finally decided to reach back, and then she pulled away. But she didn't pull away completely. She's still just hanging on. So of course what does one do when in love? Hold on to any little hope that maybe something could come of this relationship.

She's fearful of intimacy, that's for sure. I'm longing for it. I just keep telling myself that she just doesn't realize how easy I am and that if she just let her guard down, she would get a taste of how great it could be. So, that's where I am. She's basically in control of the situation and that's a hard thing for me. I think it's actually a good lesson for me, as I usually try and control situations.

Anyway, thanks for asking. I slept so crappy last night and I need to have some coffee now. Maybe later I can elaborate more and you guys can tell me what you think

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 11:01am

((((((((Passiongrl)))))))


I know this must be very difficult when something you long for is right at your fingertips but you can't have it.


I don't think you have to let her be in control. To me, relationships are partnerships. You have every right to have your needs met as much as she does. Working through that takes communication. I'm not saying she is being controlling on purpose, but it sounds like she really does have some issues to work through. Can you talk to her about that and be totally open about your feelings? You may feel better if you can get everything out in the open. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.


Since you say there is a lot more to the story than you have shared, I may be off base. I'm glad you can talk to us. We may not be able to make it all better, but we can listen. Caly will be back to post to you tonight.


I hope you have a good day and can get some rest. I know how hard it is to raise kids on little sleep!


Hugs


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 12:43pm

Hi Ting-thanks for the post. When I say she's in charge, I mean that her personal situation is so much more unsteady than mine, that I don't want to expect too much of her. She has a very hard time being direct. She's terrified of her feelings, where I'm so curious about them, I want to explore them. So I try and let her come to me.

I read this quote recently: "Just because someone doesn't love you in the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they've got". And that's exactly what I think is happening. She's doing the best she can in her situation. I care for her so much that I feel her conflict and don't want to push her to the point that we'll never explore our feelings.

Does that make sense? I think she's holding on so hard to her marriage and kids because that's what's expected and safe and I know if she were to even start to examine alternatives, she would probably break. My therapist said I worry too much about hurting other people and not enough about myself. But I can't help it in this case. How do you just stop loving someone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 1:27pm

Ahh, that does make sense. Sorry I misinterpreted what you were saying. I think it's wonderful that you recognize what's going on and are giving her space. It sounds like a very difficult situation for both of you. I don't think you can ignore your feelings and stop loving someone. Do you think that's what your therapist is saying you should do? I do agree that at this point it's important for you to focus on you and your marriage, but you obviously have to work through your feelings for this other woman too. I wish I had more words of wisdom for you.


Hang in there and stay true to yourself.


Hugs


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 6:34pm

Hi Ting. I think my therapist is saying I need to stay in the situation to see what it is about this woman I'm attracted to so that I can at least learn from the situation. She's saying my journey is separate from her journey and I shouldn't focus on not hurting her so much as going on my own journey.

One of the things that has come out in therapy is that I have lived my life to please everyone else and have always worried about hurting people-especially my mom. I lived to make sure I never disappointed her. That's is why I could never have told her when I was younger that I loved women. I thought it would have destroyed her. I am her only daughter with 4 older brothers and my dad left her when she was pregnant with me. It's messy, but it comes down to me never wanting to disappoint her. So, here I am worrying about hurting or disappointing my husband and his woman, and I really need to focus on me. But I really struggle with protecting this woman.

Anyway, that's part of my story. Now, my 2 year old have thrown something in the bathtub and I must attend to that! Life marches on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 7:29pm

>One of the things that has come out in therapy is that I have lived my life to please everyone else and have always worried about hurting people-especially my mom. I lived to make sure I never disappointed her. That's is why I could never have told her when I was younger that I loved women. <


Wow PG, I so could have written that myself.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 8:51pm

Passion, I am sorry that you are hurting so badly right now...I hope that things turn for you soon.

-Leaf

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:30pm

Hi Caly. It does really stick trying to please people. It's really a dead-end street. I actually think my mom would eventually be okay. I know she'd be very sad if I divorce as she loves my husband. But I can't stay married for her. I know when I'm strong enough with myself, I can handle whatever happens with my family.

As far as the woman who I'm feeling all this for, I know she has to walk her own path. It's hard to separate that from your own feelings for the person. I see a lot of hurt in her and when you love someone it's really hard to watch them struggle and falter. But, I'm getting my act together for myself and whatever happens with her is what happens. I am trying really hard right now to be her friend, as she really does need one. I know I could be just a friend if she'd let her guard down a bit. We'll see what happens. I also try and remember she's doing the best she can-as we all are.

For some reason I'm feeling stronger tonight. I'm sure it's helped to have all your positive thoughts. I appreciate it. A good night's sleep will help if I can get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:33pm

Hi Leaf. Thank you. I think it's amazing that people I've never "met" are so wonderful. All your "hugs" have helped me today!

-Passiongrl

ps-please send positive thoughts out to my lady also, as I truly wish for her healing as well, no matter where the two of us end up

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