my heart is breaking
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| Tue, 05-22-2007 - 9:23pm |
I kept trying to start a post to tell you all about the woman I love. But everytime I started writing it, I stopped because I know no one can give me any answers. I know I'll never be with her. I know I need to find a way to get her out of my system. And now I have to live everyday with a husband I'm not sure I'm staying with and try and be a good mom. Sometimes it's all I can do to just put one foot in front of the other.
I even post to others telling them that they'll make it through, yet I'm a basket case right now. I keep telling myself if she'd just call me or give me a reassuring sign, I'd feel better. But I know that's not the answer and it sucks. She made me feel special and I fell for it and now I'm sitting here all alone typing to strangers. (no offense-you're really great strangers).
Thanks so much for listening. I need to fix dinner for my kids, but I just had to say I feel really crappy and trying to see the good in all this!

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So sorry you are going through all this. Can you just call her and talk to her?
You need to be happy. I hope you can see a way to work this out to where
you can feel better about this.
This does not sound fair to anyone.
Have you even considered being with her?
Is divorce out of the question?
Sorry so many questions.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Hi Laurie. Thanks for your thoughts. Everyday I wish I could call her and just say exactly what I'm feeling. But I can see that she has also been living a life that is not hers and she feels more trapped than I do. She has a lot of people leaning on her and I'm sure the thought of disappointing so many people is very terrifying to her. I know instinctively that I need to be very slow and patient with her.
I have thought many times that I want to be with her. Sometimes when I'm at peace, I feel this warm hope of the two of us holding each other. But the obstacles are huge and so I try not to jump too far ahead in my dreams and stay in the moment. I just try and be what she needs at the time and and at the same time protect myself. I guess none of know what's going to happen, so only have the moment. I know for myself, divorce may be on the horizon.
Anyway-I appreciate your kindness. I'll keep you updated.
I hope this can work out for you so that you can both be happy and be true to yourselves.
Have you ever heard of the "SECRET", You should go to the book store and ask for the DVD.
They may have it at other stores too. You can watch it with hubby too. It is a way of life. How to
get the things you want need etc. Positive thinking for positive results, but far more deeper than that.
I hope you try it.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
OKay, the machine ate my first reply to you. Why does it always feel like the replacement reply is a cobbled-together mess and the lost original nearly a work of art? LOL.. or is that just me???
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the pain both you and your gf are feeling right now.
Perhaps as you work on your situation, sorting your life to live the way you want, your gf will find inspiration in your actions. Even if she doesn't, you'll be better placed to to respond to the love, wherever it eventually comes from.
PLease, feel free to lean on us anytime ;)
I'll bet in the end you will have learned a lot from this experience, no matter how it turns out. I'm a people pleaser too and used to be afraid of disappointing anyone, especially my parents. About four years ago, I got burned out trying to please everyone else. I was so depressed and didn't want to be unhappy anymore. I started therapy and got on some medication. My therapist made me realize that I was giving to everyone else but not taking anything for me. After that sunk in, I was able to really focus on becoming the person I wanted and needed to be.
You sound like a very caring, loving person.
Hugs
Thanks so much. That's so funny about the lost post!
You know, I have thought so many times that maybe if I keep my head above water and figure my life out, she can do the same-exactly what you said. Sometimes though, when I think of the obstacles, it's hard to believe it's even possible. But if we don't reach high enough-then what's the damn point-you know? There's something about this woman. I feel her so deeply, and I can't imagine why the angels would bring us together and not have something good come from it. Of course, maybe in the end we will both find some peace and love, but just not with each other. I know that's possible. It hurts to think about it, but it's possible.
I can't express how much you all have helped me out this week. I will keep you posted on what's happening
Hi Ting. I have started to realize how much I've given for so long without asking much in return. As a matter of fact, this woman I love I have given a lot to and one day she said "I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you". At first I wasn't sure how to take this. I really haven't given her much except my time and attention and encouragement. But because she's so loaded down with pain and commitments, she's not able to give much back. So I think she meant she wished she could do more for me. But you know, if I know someone recognizes my capacity for love, it doesn't matter to me if I get a lot back. Just for her to recognize who I am. To me that's everything.
That's one thing about my husband that I never got from him. He's never mistreated me-really not much to complain about. But he doesn't know me. He doesn't realize just how loving I am-and I think she does and that's why this stinks so much!
Anyway-thanks for your encouragement. I have been taking so much more time for myself and leaving unimportant stuff aside. I do care very deeply for the people I love, but I really don't know how to live any other way.
>I do care very deeply for the people I love, but I really don't know how to live any other way<
And that is a wonderful and admirable trait that I dont think anyone here thinks you should change.
Hi Caly. What you says makes perfect sense. The interesting thing is, I am usually the giver and really it isn't much different than the taker. I really want people to like me also. I worry about losing people.
As far as my friend, I totally recognize that she needs to find self-love and happiness and all I've tried to do is hold up a mirror to her. Then I try and back off. I think she realized I was doing all the giving and it made her feel bad because she just can't give. I actually found that hopeful for us-maybe it will just be a friendship. But she knows she needs to be able to give back to make it a real relationship.
I really look forward to seeing my therapist again-she's been gone for a couple of weeks. So many things have happened since I've seen her. Thank God for therapy!
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