Coming to terms
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| Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:29pm |
Hi everyone. I still feel so welcome here by all of you after my posts last week. I wanted to give you a bit of an update.
It has been a rollercoaster here-really no other way to describe what we go through really. Anyway-I'm starting to admit a lot of stuff to myself lately-the first stage of coming out to myself. I read a lot of coming out stories written by "latebloomers" and if I pieced together a bunch of them-there'd be me! I remember when I decided to turn off those feelings I had for women and take the "easy" way out. Of course-I also realize that I was just so young then and terrified-so I'm trying to be gentle on myself here. But the damn guilt is so heavy. I have dragged a lot of people into this drama.
Anyway-my mom has sensed that something isn't quite right. She's in Illinois I'm in California, but she still knows. Finally on Saturday I couldn't take it anymore and when she called and asked with a sad voice if we were coming home this summer I finally told her we are having problems and I didn't need her sadness and worry to interfere with my decision. She has this way of asking questions that is ladden with expectations. I told her I couldn't talk anymore. I was so shaky and I felt I was going to burst. I told my dh I needed to get away for a night. He didn't argue. I packed a bag and drove to Santa Cruz and spent the night.
I took these 3 books my therapist suggested I read. The titles are She, He and We. They go into the psychology of men, women and couples. Anyway-to make a long story short I read all of them-they're fast reads. I had this epiphany when I read them-because they were basically saying that in order to be a good woman to your man you need to do certain things for him at different stages of his life. I don't argue that this is probably true, but I realized-actually I wanted to get up and dance when I realized I could never be that for my dh-or any other man. I'm not meant to be with a man! I was so wonderful to realize that at that moment.
The next morning I spent several hours in a bookstore. Now-if you didn't know Santa Cruz, CA is very liberal and diverse. I got the nerve to ask where the Gay/Lesbian section was. It was actually not hidden in the back like another bookstore I found. I got tons of books and sat and read and read. I was in heaven. I bought a book about best dates for lesbian couples. When I went to buy it the girl at the checkout saw it and said "oh-you should read Sarah Waters". I wasn't sure what to say. I asked for change to feed my meter and walked out. My truck had a ticket-of course. I moved the truck and got the nerve to go back inside and ask her to show me the writer she was talking about. She showed me the books and I bought one of her books-Fingersmith. Then I was looking for the bathroom and another employee saw the books I had. She said "Oh-you found Sarah Waters". I told her another employee had recommended them. She said "Oh-that was probably my girlfriend". Life has a funny way of helping you along!
Anyway-I really know what I need to do, but I need to gather the courage to do it. I need to see my therapist next week before I do anything. I haven't been able yet to say I'm a lesbian-but I'm pretty close. I saw the woman today who triggered all this. I hadn't seen her for a few days and I always think when I see her I'll feel less. Guess what-I was overcome with so many feelings when I saw her-just admitting more and more to myself how I feel. Of course it's so bittersweet because she has emotionally moved backwards and we are nowhere near having even a good friendship. I know it's too good to be true that someone would be waiting for me through all this. But it feels so good to know exactly how I feel about someone and know that if we could be together, I'm attracted to her for the right reasons. I know meeting her was a gift. And I vascilate between wanting to believe something wonderful could happen to us, and wanting to run away so it won't hurt so much.
Gosh-I wrote a lot and I left so much out. It's hard to come out to yourself-but what choice to I have. I can't go back now. thanks so much all of you for even reading this much-if you got this far!
Passion

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(((Passion)))
That was amazing. I am so sorry that things are rough with dh. I also know that you are a strong person and probably getting away and doing what you did was so right for you. I think reading lots of different views is really important to making a good decision.
I can just see you doing a little dance, BTW!
I know the feeling that wishing there was somebody for me when this is all said and done. I think my friend was a gift to me. She taught me to stand up for myself as a woman. She taught me to make the tough choices and be okay living with them. But, she will not be there for me in the end. You are right. It does feel good to be able to say how you feel, at least to yourself, and know the reasons you feel that way. I think you have already said you were a lesbian in that paragraph you wrote. You just haven't said it out loud to anyone. Maybe the therapist is the first person. She was for me. I am wondering about the books she gave you. It sounds like they are more about your marriage and dh and less about you as a person. If they brought you to a realization, however, I am thinking they were part of the road you were to travel. Good job on the new books. I have jotted the authors name down.
Stay strong.
Hugs
Blue
Wow Passion,
I can already hear how some of the stress is gone from your voice.
I enjoyed reading your post. I hope the books help you.
I am sorry that you have to go through so much stress right now, but one day you'll look back on this and be helping
somone else through the same thing, I think.
Glad to hear you were able to get away for a day/night and do some reading etc.
Keep us posted.
Be strong,
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
(((((((Passiongrl)))))))
I'm so glad you posted this! Thank you for keeping us updated and sharing your journey with us. I'm glad you had some revelations this weekend - they were important ones. Sounds like after your night away you are in a much better place about all of this. It's wonderful that you told DH what you needed and made the most of your time alone.
I know you still have many hurdles to overcome, but you're on the right track. Sounds like you are starting to come to terms with your g/f's situation too.
I'm really happy for you. Keep ticking off those days of strength. I think that is a marvelous idea. Wish I had done that when I was going through the pain of coming out.
Take care and hugs!
Hi Blue. I can't even believe how crazy this journey is-elation and hope one minute, tears streaming down my face and overwhelming guilt the next. As my therapist said-it's all good though.
I did come out to my best friend. She is really the reason I'm standing. She's totally nonjudgemental and she's the one who sent me running to therapy. She has always loved me totally and seen me for who I am. The only one! Anyway-I'm glad I can lean on her.
The books He, She and We were written by Robert Johnson. He's a Jungian scholar-as is my therapist. He says we all have male and female in us, so we can learn about ourselves in all of the books. I did learn about myself, but the biggest realization was when I knew I could never provide for my husband the support he needs to grow as a man. The thing is, I think guys are great-I have 4 brothers. I enjoy their company-but I know now that I just can sleep with another one. I know that I can't give them emotionally and spiritually what they need. And if we are to be partnered with someone, shouldn't we be able to give that kind of support? I know we are meant to make someone happy, but to love and nuture a person and your relationship, those elements have to be there. And they just aren't with my dh. I do love him. I could go on this way, but I'd die inside. And I believe he needs someone to love him the right ways-as do I. So, the books were helpful. I think this therapist knows what she's doing.
She told me she has two daughters partnered to women-so she's not homophobic. I think she just wants me to come fully to terms myself-through whatever means possible. And that's the way it should be.
I'm feeling free as my dh is out of town on business and really all I want is to be alone. I have my 3 kids-but that's okay. I want to be alone to figure myself out! Thanks again for the thoughts.
Passion
Hi Caly. Thanks. I just wish I could harness that "rightness" and not forget it when I feel guilt when I look at my dh's face. Or when I want to stay in my closet-literally and figuritively. I actually go and sit in my closet a lot when I'm overwhelmed. My kids know now to look for me there. My best friend thinks that's hilarious. She's the only one I've told about all this besides my therapist.
I'll let you know how the book goes. Thanks!
Passion
Thanks Laurie. That's a nice thought-that I could help someone else someday. It stinks right now-but it's one step forward and some falling back a lot. But in that way-the journey will be so worth it-I'm hoping. In all the coming out stories I read almost all ended it by saying-"Do I regret it? Never-it's the best thing that ever happened to me". I'm holding on to that like crazy!
Passion
Hi Ting. I did feel much better after that night and day away. I came home and it started to get harder again-but I know I have to take a step forward and fall way back sometimes. There's no easy way through this. As a matter of fact, I told my bestfriend yesterday that I realize a lot of this is about growing up. I've been stuck back as that young college girl who stop feeling anything real and decided to try and live a life that wasn't hers. Now I have to get my mom out of my mind when I'm making decisions-as well as my dh. I married him, but that doesn't mean I have to sacrifice any future real happiness to do the "right thing". I know eventually this will benefit him also.
I need that visual for ticking off the days-or I forget what I've already been through. I thank the stars for all of you, my best friend and my therapist! Have a good day
Passion
Well just think how good it will feel when you literally 'come out of the closet' for good!
I am sure it does suck right now, but in the end you will be happy.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
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