Coming to terms
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| Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:29pm |
Hi everyone. I still feel so welcome here by all of you after my posts last week. I wanted to give you a bit of an update.
It has been a rollercoaster here-really no other way to describe what we go through really. Anyway-I'm starting to admit a lot of stuff to myself lately-the first stage of coming out to myself. I read a lot of coming out stories written by "latebloomers" and if I pieced together a bunch of them-there'd be me! I remember when I decided to turn off those feelings I had for women and take the "easy" way out. Of course-I also realize that I was just so young then and terrified-so I'm trying to be gentle on myself here. But the damn guilt is so heavy. I have dragged a lot of people into this drama.
Anyway-my mom has sensed that something isn't quite right. She's in Illinois I'm in California, but she still knows. Finally on Saturday I couldn't take it anymore and when she called and asked with a sad voice if we were coming home this summer I finally told her we are having problems and I didn't need her sadness and worry to interfere with my decision. She has this way of asking questions that is ladden with expectations. I told her I couldn't talk anymore. I was so shaky and I felt I was going to burst. I told my dh I needed to get away for a night. He didn't argue. I packed a bag and drove to Santa Cruz and spent the night.
I took these 3 books my therapist suggested I read. The titles are She, He and We. They go into the psychology of men, women and couples. Anyway-to make a long story short I read all of them-they're fast reads. I had this epiphany when I read them-because they were basically saying that in order to be a good woman to your man you need to do certain things for him at different stages of his life. I don't argue that this is probably true, but I realized-actually I wanted to get up and dance when I realized I could never be that for my dh-or any other man. I'm not meant to be with a man! I was so wonderful to realize that at that moment.
The next morning I spent several hours in a bookstore. Now-if you didn't know Santa Cruz, CA is very liberal and diverse. I got the nerve to ask where the Gay/Lesbian section was. It was actually not hidden in the back like another bookstore I found. I got tons of books and sat and read and read. I was in heaven. I bought a book about best dates for lesbian couples. When I went to buy it the girl at the checkout saw it and said "oh-you should read Sarah Waters". I wasn't sure what to say. I asked for change to feed my meter and walked out. My truck had a ticket-of course. I moved the truck and got the nerve to go back inside and ask her to show me the writer she was talking about. She showed me the books and I bought one of her books-Fingersmith. Then I was looking for the bathroom and another employee saw the books I had. She said "Oh-you found Sarah Waters". I told her another employee had recommended them. She said "Oh-that was probably my girlfriend". Life has a funny way of helping you along!
Anyway-I really know what I need to do, but I need to gather the courage to do it. I need to see my therapist next week before I do anything. I haven't been able yet to say I'm a lesbian-but I'm pretty close. I saw the woman today who triggered all this. I hadn't seen her for a few days and I always think when I see her I'll feel less. Guess what-I was overcome with so many feelings when I saw her-just admitting more and more to myself how I feel. Of course it's so bittersweet because she has emotionally moved backwards and we are nowhere near having even a good friendship. I know it's too good to be true that someone would be waiting for me through all this. But it feels so good to know exactly how I feel about someone and know that if we could be together, I'm attracted to her for the right reasons. I know meeting her was a gift. And I vascilate between wanting to believe something wonderful could happen to us, and wanting to run away so it won't hurt so much.
Gosh-I wrote a lot and I left so much out. It's hard to come out to yourself-but what choice to I have. I can't go back now. thanks so much all of you for even reading this much-if you got this far!
Passion

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((Passion))
I know the feelings. It's like a roller coaster. Creeping up to the top, reaching a point of no return, feeling that exhilarating moment of "being" right there, and then the wild ride to the bottom. You start that climb back up, really knowing what is ahead. First the climb, the ahs feel, and then the screaming down. Over and over. Here's all I have to hope for: the ride ends. You and I can get off, and finally pick a new ride.
Best friends can really rock and be a rock. I'm glad that yours takes good care of her. She sounds like the kind of confidante that is so good and true to you. You are very lucky. Treat her well.
It sounds so rational about giving love and receiving it with someone who deserves you and you deserve them. Trying to explain that in the heat of emotion is not always easy. My dh is going to tell me that I am his best friend, etc. I don't want to be best friends. I want something more. I don't think we are capable of that. I do love him, but not the way he needs and wants. I do think I can find that with a woman. At least I want the opportunity to try. It's just going to be ugly. So, what are you doing this weekend? Maybe I could stop by. lol I know you don't live anywhere around here, so it's easy to make that remark.
Take time for yourself to be introspective this weekend, but enjoy your kids. Mine are the light of my life, even though they are no longer young and around.
You know what I really want? I want my therapist to come and speak for me. I'm pretty articulate, but I lose the "right words" when I am in an intense conversation. I always end up thinking afterwards, "Gee, I wish I would have said/done/thought that." but the moment passes and I don't say the essential thing. Sometimes I write down what she says to say and pratice.
Hugs
Blue
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Hi Blue. I went back and read my post to you. I realized I said I can sleep with another man-but I meant I CAN'T sleep with one. I totally know what you mean about the best friend part with your dh. I'm friends with mine too. But the way I feel about this woman-it's so intense on all levels-not just some levels. I have a bond of sorts with my dh-but now that I'm fully awake to who I am-even if it's not with this woman-I want it with some woman. Life's too damn short to living half-way.
It is going to be tough though. But you never know how everyone will respond. I try and picture myself a few months down the road feeling strong and empowered by my decision to live my own life. I'm not sure how it will look-but it will be MY life-no one elses'-not even my kids. I'll protect and love them-but I won't live for them. I told my therapist that I know the universe won't come to a standstill if I make this move and she said "I think the universe will come to a standstill if you don't". I keep trying to remember that.
My bestfriend-she's amazing. I do take care of her. She's so funny. She was watching The View while Rosie O'Donnell was on there-and she watches Ellen all the time. Anyway-she's always telling me about info she gets from the shows. She told me today-"I want you to know that I get all my best information from lesbians". It was a good laugh.
I'm not always able to express myself at critical moments either. Oh well-we can't be fabulous all the time! Hang in there and let's keep going together and see where we are in one month-then two months, etc.
Passion
((((((Passion)))))) I
C >^. A .
Hi Cat. Thanks for your thoughts. I am pretty passionate-hence my name. And pretty tender hearted also, but learning to save some heart for myself these days! Not easy to do. Anyway, I so enjoy being able to post here and let it all out.
I know that this woman-she is such a beautiful gift to my life. She's not the first woman I ever felt this for. But she's the one who brought it all back-and propelled me into tailspin I'm in now. And if I just let myself relax, it feels so good to have these feelings for someone. I tend to want to control things, so it's also a good lesson in being patient and seeing what life has in store for me. Last night I went to sleep just imagining what a kiss with her would be like-because I'm remembering that kissing a man pales in comparison to what a kiss with woman was like. Just imaging it causes that catch in my throat and the weird heart thingy. I feel like I'm a teenager again. Gosh-I'm caught up here in my own fantasy-and typing it all out!
I love Elton John too. Another passionate person I'm sure. Music has meant a lot to me lately. I love to listen to KT Tunstall. Her CD Eye to the Telescope has some poignant lyrics for what I'm experiencing right now. And Joss Stone-oh so soulful and passionate also.
Well, I'm going to try and distract myself and take my kids on a trip downtown to the library on the lightrail train. Nothing like chasing kids around to take the mind off things.
Have a great day
Passion
Cat, I love that song and it always brings a tear to my eye.
Blue
Passion,
Of course I knew just what you meant. No explanation necessary.
Life is way too short not to live the way you want to. It's going to be very interesting here, also.
Today I ran into a student teacher that I had about 3 years ago and I see her from time to time because she coaches the high school volleyball team. I was 95% sure she was a lesbian, so I took a chance today and told her about me. She was like, wow, wow, really wow. I told her that I thought I would have an ally in her. She hedged for a minute and then spilled all. She is having a committment ceremony in the summer and I was soooo happy for her. We exchanged emails and I she is going to help me network this summer. She wanted me to come for OUT day in Philly on June 10th, but I am going to the shore with my women's group. This a bunch of women I hang with that raised their kids together. Maybe I mentioned this here before on this thread. Otherwise, I would have gone.
It makes me feel a little weird that I am leading such an open double life right now, but it's not really that open. Some friends and union people know, but most don't. I really like it when I am with straight and gay friends who know, because I feel so relaxed. My music doesn't bother anybody, comments are looser, and things just generally easier.
I am afraid that I am going to get so comfortable, that when I tell dh, it will be no big deal for me, and he will just go nuts in front of me. Who knows, though.
All right, sorry to have gone on and on. You are right. We just need to take this step by step together and see what happens.
Stay strong, be patient.
Hugs
Blue
Hi Blue. That's so cool about the student teacher. Are you a teacher? I taught for 6-plus years. Good for you taking a chance and saying something to her. It paid off! I know it's so hard to say something to someone and just wait for them to say "What?" and freak out.
I too am so comfortable talking about now with my best friend-but no one else. I so want just to say something to my dh-I feel like such a phony now. I really want to talk to my therapist next Monday though before I say anything.
So funny-I felt so strong earlier today-and then out of the blue I felt myself waver. I realized that I'm pinning over this woman-and really I'm in no shape to have any kind of relationship. It just feels so good to have those feelings about someone-for real-and I don't want to let go of them. I know I shouldn't be afraid of being alone-but I am. But I would rather be alone than live a lie.
So, anyway, I'm hoping for sleep tonight. I don't remember the last time I slept all night and not haunted by weird dreams. Hang in there-and let's keep posting each other!
Passion
Yep your right.. Those kids can definately distract one..*Smiles~
Talk or post again soon...
C >^. A .
((((Hugs))))
C >^. A .
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