Coming to terms

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Coming to terms
29
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:29pm

Hi everyone. I still feel so welcome here by all of you after my posts last week. I wanted to give you a bit of an update.

It has been a rollercoaster here-really no other way to describe what we go through really. Anyway-I'm starting to admit a lot of stuff to myself lately-the first stage of coming out to myself. I read a lot of coming out stories written by "latebloomers" and if I pieced together a bunch of them-there'd be me! I remember when I decided to turn off those feelings I had for women and take the "easy" way out. Of course-I also realize that I was just so young then and terrified-so I'm trying to be gentle on myself here. But the damn guilt is so heavy. I have dragged a lot of people into this drama.

Anyway-my mom has sensed that something isn't quite right. She's in Illinois I'm in California, but she still knows. Finally on Saturday I couldn't take it anymore and when she called and asked with a sad voice if we were coming home this summer I finally told her we are having problems and I didn't need her sadness and worry to interfere with my decision. She has this way of asking questions that is ladden with expectations. I told her I couldn't talk anymore. I was so shaky and I felt I was going to burst. I told my dh I needed to get away for a night. He didn't argue. I packed a bag and drove to Santa Cruz and spent the night.

I took these 3 books my therapist suggested I read. The titles are She, He and We. They go into the psychology of men, women and couples. Anyway-to make a long story short I read all of them-they're fast reads. I had this epiphany when I read them-because they were basically saying that in order to be a good woman to your man you need to do certain things for him at different stages of his life. I don't argue that this is probably true, but I realized-actually I wanted to get up and dance when I realized I could never be that for my dh-or any other man. I'm not meant to be with a man! I was so wonderful to realize that at that moment.

The next morning I spent several hours in a bookstore. Now-if you didn't know Santa Cruz, CA is very liberal and diverse. I got the nerve to ask where the Gay/Lesbian section was. It was actually not hidden in the back like another bookstore I found. I got tons of books and sat and read and read. I was in heaven. I bought a book about best dates for lesbian couples. When I went to buy it the girl at the checkout saw it and said "oh-you should read Sarah Waters". I wasn't sure what to say. I asked for change to feed my meter and walked out. My truck had a ticket-of course. I moved the truck and got the nerve to go back inside and ask her to show me the writer she was talking about. She showed me the books and I bought one of her books-Fingersmith. Then I was looking for the bathroom and another employee saw the books I had. She said "Oh-you found Sarah Waters". I told her another employee had recommended them. She said "Oh-that was probably my girlfriend". Life has a funny way of helping you along!

Anyway-I really know what I need to do, but I need to gather the courage to do it. I need to see my therapist next week before I do anything. I haven't been able yet to say I'm a lesbian-but I'm pretty close. I saw the woman today who triggered all this. I hadn't seen her for a few days and I always think when I see her I'll feel less. Guess what-I was overcome with so many feelings when I saw her-just admitting more and more to myself how I feel. Of course it's so bittersweet because she has emotionally moved backwards and we are nowhere near having even a good friendship. I know it's too good to be true that someone would be waiting for me through all this. But it feels so good to know exactly how I feel about someone and know that if we could be together, I'm attracted to her for the right reasons. I know meeting her was a gift. And I vascilate between wanting to believe something wonderful could happen to us, and wanting to run away so it won't hurt so much.

Gosh-I wrote a lot and I left so much out. It's hard to come out to yourself-but what choice to I have. I can't go back now. thanks so much all of you for even reading this much-if you got this far!

Passion

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 7:22am

Hey Blue,


just wanted to comment that I know exactly what you mean about being more relaxed and comfortable once you are out to people.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 7:27am

But I would rather be alone than live a lie.


Hey friend!

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 2:04pm

Hi Caly. I am scared to death-but so ready to just make the move. I know I will do it next week. I also want to set up an appointment with our marriage counselor, because I want my dh to have someone to talk to when he finds out. While I care for him, I know longer worry so much about hurting him that I won't go through with starting my new life.

For a while I was so worried about the kids and him and wondering about the divorced life. But I know without a doubt that the divorced authentic me will be a much happier mom and ex-wife than the in the closet, miserable me anyday. It will take much work, I'm not naive. There will be pain and confusion, etc. But I'm ready. And someday-I know someone will be just standing there ready for me-and me for them.

Thanks again so much for the encouragement. I'll keep you posted

Passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 7:08pm

Secret Agent club??? lol
I have such a great story about being an agent. It's a little long, and not quite what TiNG is referring to but listen to this.

Dh and I are driving home from Fla two years ago. We stop in East Bumble, NC for gas. The pump is real slow, so he leaves me to pump gas. This guy comes out of the station and starts looking in my car. I drive a Chevy Blazser. Now, it's got a SC emblem on the window mind you. He puts his hands on his hips and says to me, "Are you an agent?" Now, I must have been dressed in real agent clothes. I have on a golf shirt, shorts, pink and white sport socks and sneakers. I say NO. He gets kind of close and says to me, "something something, after what I did to my wife." I look up drop the nozzle, put my hand out and say, "Sir, you need to step away from the vehicle right now." I know that is agent talk. lol Anyhow, he tries to tell me again. I say to step away again. He shakes his head and leaves. When dh comes out of the station, I am babbling on about it and now I want to call the cops. He won't let me. By the time I decide to call, we are in VA after passing this creep on the way north. He's got three boxes in his back seat and I figure he's got her chopped up in the boxes. I call 911, but I get the VA cops and they transfer me to NC, but inadvertently go to WV cops. I tell my whole story again, but now I gotta tell it a third time to NC, finally. Anyhow, I got the license number the make and model of the car and I give it to the police. What happens? Nothing......I don't get a reward, never know what happens. At work they call me The AGENT. lol

My therapist was afraid that I took the guy down at the station, because the old blue would have attempted that. The new one seems a bit more sane. Well, maaybe not.

Anyhow, I am really an agent. heehee

Why doesn't she call herself that anymore?

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 7:17pm

LOL Blue!

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 7:56pm

NO, she kisses you in front of people???!! Well, she is kind of hot, you know.

TiNG you sassy woman. PDA right in front of the staff. I don't know what is coming over you. Brazen hussy. What will the people think??? lol

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 10:18am

LOLOL I can SO see you doing that to that guy! How funny! I'm glad your husband was with you, though.


Actually, I still do consider myself somewhat of a secret agent. If you saw me walking down the street, would your gaydar ping? I used to be super femme but have toned it down a lot in the last few years (especially since having kids...no time to "put on my face" every day as my grandmother would say and go out of the house perfectly coiffed and dressed). In general, though, I don't think I'd set off most people's gaydar, so I'd say I'm still pretty much an agent. At Melissa Etheridge's concert she made all the agents stand up before she sang "Secret Agent". It was pretty funny.


Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 10:21am

Hehehe


I've become quite uninhibited since meeting Caly. She brings out the animal in me! *grin


The PDA in front of Caly's staff was awkward at first, but now I think they expect it! lolol I'm just waiting for the day when the big bosses come out of the building while we're in mid-kiss. Now THAT would cause a stir! It really is nice being able to do that because there aren't many places where we can.


Hugs


Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 3:55pm

No, TiNG, I gotta admit that my "soccermomdar" would ping first. That can be a good thing, you Secret Agent, you.

I have done this kind of thing before, also. That is best told over a vodka and cran sometime.....

Off to the dance.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA

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