What I said to my mom
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| Fri, 06-01-2007 - 9:25pm |
So last week I told my mom on the phone that I was having problems in my marriage and I didn't need her expectations and worries to influence my decisions. I also told her I wasn't sure if we were coming home for summer. I didn't give her time to respond really. That's when I took off for Santa Cruz.
So today I decided to email her since I knew she had tried to call me yesterday. I basically told her to try to worry, but I know as a mom that's hard not to. I told her that the first thing I really talked about in therapy is that I have always lived to please everyone but myself and that she was at the top of that list. I told her I wasn't out to place blame, but that I needed her to back off and just let met make my decisions without her influence. I told her I knew for a fact that I would be fine and my life would be better whatever happened.
She emailed me back basically saying that she always placed me first in her life and there was no one who could fill that space. She was hoping her current husband could, but he won't or can't. She said she would back off.
I'm so glad I did it. I also knew she had put me in a place in her life that was never fair to me. She said since I was the only girl, the youngest (I have 4 older brothers) that I had a special place. Well, dammit, she can feel that if she wants, but I now realize how messed up I am because of it. I know my mom is a very wounded person and I love her, but now I have to unweave this mess and live my life.
So, thanks for listening. I feel really good, but also tired. This is exhausting work and running away seems really alluring right now!
Passion

Wow Passion!
You have taken some amazing steps in the last few weeks and you should be really proud of yourself!
A couple of years ago, I read a novel that had a profound affect upon me. In fact, I'm rereading it now and will finish it today, only about 10 pages left. While the specific storyline is good, there is a very powerful underlying message that cuts across many things, and shows the power and courage of finding oneself and the need to take care of ourselves.
If you are like me, I've always lived in a way that tries to be there for others. Yes, I've failed, sometimes catastrophically... but I'm a rescuer, and that part of me will never go away... but there is a need to see to our own well being, and if we do this, we are better able to be there for others around us. If we are unafraid to reach for our own stars, yet... also understand the limits of what we are able to do for others, we all benefit.
This book reflects this, tells a story of a woman who spent her life pleasing others. Her cheating husband, her daughter, her very successful mom. And it shows how a tragic incident opens her eyes to her place in the world, how she runs into resistance, and how she makes it all work.
Anyway... if you like to read... The Summer I Dared by Barbara Delinski.
*hugs*
worlds undone
I'm glad you opened up the communication channels with your mom and that it went so well. Your mom obviously loves you very much. But, you're an adult now and she needs to let go. She has to deal with her struggles herself just as you do (and we all do!).
You are doing an amazing job of taking control of each aspect of your life. You are an example and inspiration to all of us!
Take care, and I hope you get to do something to pamper yourself this weekend.
Hugs
Thanks Ting. I always feel empowered when I'm typing, and then later fizzle a bit. But coming to the messages here always helps.
I know the only thing most of the times that is keeping me back is fear-or guilt, and I'm sick of both of those. They creep in-but then I just make another move that I was previously afraid to make, and fear and guilt have to go to hell. I think it makes one a bit stronger each time.
I will try and do for myself this weekend. I can't wait to see my therapist Monday-it's been 3 weeks!
Have a great weekend
Passion
Thanks for the book title. I will look for it. I'm definitely a care-taker. I love to love the people I love! But I really see now how that has affected me ability to make decisions for myself. This woman who triggered my realization about my love of women, I know part of the attraction initially was I wanted to rescue her. Now that I realize that, I have tried to take some of the gentleness towards her and put it back on myself. Since I've done that, I actually enjoy being around her more, and the other ways in which I'm attracted to her have gotten stronger.
I am actually very glad now that she wasn't ready for a relationship, as I really need to get my life in order. I need to find myself even more before I can be ready to have someone in my life in that way. I know I will always have that part of myself also, that wants to take care. I guess the trick is to figure out how much is too much.
thanks again
Passion
thanks for the encouragement. I did feel good to tell her those things. I'm sure it will eventually lead to a better relationship. But I'm enjoying not having to worry about her right now.
I am going to try and relax a bit this weekend. I'm not the best at relaxing!
Passion
It sounds to me like you have a wonderful handle on things, and are well on the road to where you wish to be...
best wishes!
As for the book, I'm a sucker for stories of finding self, for obvious reasons.
Sometimes
Sometimes
I see much more than's good for me
The first thing that's on my mind
The last place I look each time
~
worlds undone