Getting over heartbreak
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| Tue, 06-05-2007 - 3:55pm |
Hello sweet women, I am new here. Have been in other boards for lesbians who came out while in a het marriage. But that is another story. I am nursing a heartbreak here. I am having to honor NC (no contact) with the Love of my life.
They say time makes all pain fade, but my keeps getting more intense by the minute. The good news is I am out at home so I dont have to grieve privately. They sad news is she is not in a supportive place and now I cant support her but to give her the space she asked for. I miss my friend. I miss my heart. This may be then end...I wont know for months. The waiting...is so hard. Oh wake me up when September ends.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share. I will take any tips on getting by, I welcom any positive statement or compassion throw my way. BTW, any other married lesbains coming out here? Oh, it is not for the faint of heart! Some of us did not know before we walked down the isle that we were lesbians. Sigh...
roxy

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Oh Laurie, you give really good advice. Right on the money. Thanks sweets!! NC is fo...are you ready...?
NC is so she...can BOND...with her H, who after he found out she is a lesbian by accident (clear your history ladies) he became the affectionate, perfect, H who will now do dishes and not vegitate in front of TV or no longer make fun of what is most sacred to her, her sense of spirituality, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada. He said all the PC correct things after years of being emotinally gone and (imo) a bully. Yes, he talked righ into another real chance to what she described as a dead marriage. For two years, it has been dead.
Yes, can you say "OUCH". Say it with me. " O U C H". Can you say hearbreak??? Yes Heartbreak.....okay ususally i am much more compassionate. And i do feel for him. My love for her did not require her to stop loving him or leave. Really I just wanted to be a part of her life. I was hoping he would be open to an open marriage. Because he made it clear to her, he was not interested in meeting her emotional needs. He said this out loud in a therapist office. Take or leave it I dont care. I am fine, get over it. This was all before any of this happened. Well before we found each other. They dont even take vacations together. But now that he might lose her, he changed his tune.
Ahhh, she says she love me. Wants me. Or she did. But kids and financial security and breaking up family is a heavy consideration. Okay this I do take seriously. I totally get her wanting to try and see if she can save her marriage. NC is to see if she can. So she has no doubts. She is giving him a chance for herself. I do get that. I think that is wise. I dont want to be the reason her marriage breaks up. Actually i dont have an interest in her marriage breaking up. I have an open view about love.
But yes, I am mourning and DEEPLY. Hurting deeply. I dont know if i will ever extend myself out there like that. Loving her changed me. Her walking away...it changed me too.
Guard your heart on this one. But don't exactly give up. She might be seeing a good side of him for now, but how long can he last like this and how long can she live as someone she is not. Just pretending she is not in love with you.
Maybe she is feeling compassion and feeling guilty and sorry for her husband right now. Maybe that is why she is staying to say she did everything she could do to save her marriage before it comes to an end.
But, 6 months is a long time and alot can change in that amount of time so, I would not wait on her for a just in case.
That is just me though.
It is good that you can be out at home and your H sounds like a nice guy.
I hope you get over this heartbreak so you can have some happiness in your life again.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
It is hard to not give up. Thank you Laurie! OMG, hard not to give up. You know. I just want to wait. Ugh. Such a loyal sucker I am...
Hugs
Roxy
Hey there Blue, I meant to post this as a reply to you but now I cant find the post or if replied already. I got interrupted by a work phone call. So I am reposting. SOrry if it is in the wrong place. I am still finding my way around here.
Here is the post.
"Sweet Blue,
Can I call you sweet Blue? Aww I don’t know what you think you did to her? But maybe I will get caught you with your story.
Yes, DH, my DH. I came out to him in Sept. Oh my goodness, I was scared. But I had held this secret for about four year prior. My discovery about being a les. God what a gift that was for me too. I have amazing clarity and joy around the idea that I was made to love women by the Universe, my creator. (I used Universe for God, a lot).
So, when I tell him, because I was no longer able to bear how much he was hurting. I was pulling away because I was so depressed and desperate. Anyway, I told hi, and he was the most amazing man. He said he loved me. Asked me if I had a girlfriend and that it was going to be alright (I did not at the time). But yes, he just loved me and said it would be alright. We talked and cried and I told him I loved him and how sorry I was that I did not know. I have a history of child sexual abuse that made things hazy for me. But he said he knew (which blew me away--I am proud to be Gay but I don’t look it). But DH is very intuitive and even though he is very masculine has very tender and feminine qualities. So he said he knew. And he knew he was going to love me through it.
He knows all about my K (girl) love and he was so supportive. He was sad for me when I got my heart broken. I do have to say we have an unconventional marriage. He is 22 years older. Although looks at last 15 years younger. I think he cares about me in a very unusual way. When I give him all the credit, he says it's me that nurtures that part of him.
Anyway, my love for him is deep and familial and affectionate. But, alas, I am 100% a lesbian. Being out at home now. I can breath. I can breath and it is a beautiful thing.
Oh, btw, I outed myself on the radio to Wayne Dyer, on national live radio before telling H! I was desperate for advice. Wayne Dyer said I had to tell him, that hw would love me more. I thought, wrong! But he was right. Let me add, telling DH was right for me. I don’t feel it may be right for everyone. Just to be clear."
You have to watch out for yourself or you could get soooooo hurt. Especially if you wait around and she does not come back. But, if you move on, live your life and she does come back, then big bonus!
I don't mean totally give up and forget about her all together because I don't think that is realistic. Especially since she is dangling a carrot out there for you. The carrot being October she might come back to you.
but when you are aching shake it off and do something to occupy your mind and eventually it will work.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
"You have to watch out for yourself or you could get soooooo hurt. "
Dont I know it. Gulp! I dont know how to manage right now. That delicate balance of holding and letting go. Oh my. Yes October. Big carrot. Sigh.
Thanks for the kind words.
Hugs
Roxy
Roxy, I did read this elsewhere, but have not had the chance to reply. Here goes.
You have a very intuitive man there, but that is not my situation. If you met me and H, you would wonder what the h$## I was thinking marrying this guy. Not in my personality range at all. I think I was doing all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. He's very nice and has always said that I was his "best friend." Well, is that what you really want in a marriage? Anyhow, I have known all along who I was, etc....I also thought he would maybe tone me down a little, not that I am wild or anything. I don't want a best friend. I want somebody who is more than that. I want to be touched down to my soul, grabbed deep in my gut, and takes my breath away.
Anyhow, he is my age, very conventional, and I think he is going to be hugely hurt that he can't satisfy my needs. I know full well it's not about him, it's about me. He is going to think that he is somehow lacking, well he is, but there is nothing he can do about it and it's not his fault. He's just a guy. I kind of feel sorry for him.
Anyhow, I gotta get off this and get my evening together. I am so happy for your situation with H, but I agonize with you over K.
Hugs
Blue
Blue
I will be thinking of you and hoping the hurt will soon be replaced by joy.
Just keep it real sweetie!
Big hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
(((Blue))) you sound so much like my K. She married a man who does not get her. She too longed to be touched and awakened. Oh my goodness, you words just grabbed me. I held this knowledge about myself for four years...I know how hard it is.
Take good care Blue. I never dreamt H was going to feel this way. I was convinced he was going to hate me and hurt forever. The only thing i knew to do was to meditate. Okay, i dont want to sound goofy, but i meditated on the idea that "how I was MADE to love (women) would not hurt the ones I loved (DH)." I meditated upon this thought. Really did it as an experiment of sorts. Next thing you know I am talking to Wayne Dyer on the phone on his radio show live and 3 weeks later I told H. Not saying do this! Please hear that. Not saying anything at all. Other than sending you good thoughts to you and that i hope you do get touched deeply one day.
I hope you are okay and I did not press a tender spot in you by being insensitive. Have a good night sweet one. (husg)
Roxy
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