My soft place
Find a Conversation
My soft place
| Wed, 06-06-2007 - 5:58pm |
I had a dynamic work day and did okay handling my recent loss(?). Gosh, I dont really know if I have lost her or if I am on the cusp of winning her, you know? All I know is she has "work" to do related to her marriage and I am honoring NC. A long NC at that. Is it October yet? lol!
But the main point to this post? I am so utterly grateful to have found this site and the wonderful souls in it. It is a huge relief and I look forward to learning about everyone's stories and cheering them on. Thank you again for making me feel so welcomed. To community, here here! I found a soft place to land and do my coming out. Thank you all.
((hugs))
Roxy

Pages
Awwwww, ((Roxy)), glad you feel that way.
I have only been here since the beginning of March and I feel just like you do. Mine seems like the never ending story, but every time I question myself or my situation, the cavalry here comes to the rescue!
So, I had a faculty meeting after work today and there she is sitting one table away right in my line of sight. I spent the morning telling myself how much I still love her and the afternoon after that telling myself how much I should hate her for treating me like this. What I did wasn't so bad. In fact, I would have even been flattered if somebody said what I said to me. I just wouldn't have done this to me. I guess that's how people are different.
Let's you and me fill our time with exercising, work(mine ends soon and then I start to travel), and some fun stuff. The time will just fly by then. Of course, I don't want to even think about when the time starts to draw to a close. We'll cross that bridge with you when that time arrives.
I gotta ask you about the dh. How's he doing with all of this? Are you staying?
Hugs
Blue
Sweet Blue,
Can I call you sweet Blue? Aww I don’t know what you think you did to her? But maybe I will get caught you with your story.
Yes, DH, my DH. I came out to him in Sept. Oh my goodness, I was scared. But I had held this secret for about four year prior. My discovery about being a les. God what a gift that was for me too. I have amazing clarity and joy around the idea that I was made to love women by the Universe, my creator. (I used Universe for God, a lot).
So, when I tell him, because I was no longer able to bear how much he was hurting. I was pulling away because I was so depressed and desperate. Anyway, I told hi, and he was the most amazing man. He said he loved me. Asked me if I had a girlfriend and that it was going to be alright (I did not at the time). But yes, he just loved me and said it would be alright. We talked and cried and I told him I loved him and how sorry I was that I did not know. I have a history of child sexual abuse that made things hazy for me. But he said he knew (which blew me away--I am proud to be Gay but I don’t look it). But DH is very intuitive and even though he is very masculine has very tender and feminine qualities. So he said he knew. And he knew he was going to love me through it.
He knows all about my K (girl) love and he was so supportive. He was sad for me when I got my heart broken. I do have to say we have an unconventional marriage. He is 22 years older. Although looks at last 15 years younger. I think he cares about me in a very unusual way. When I give him all the credit, he says it's me that nurtures that part of him.
Anyway, my love for him is deep and familial and affectionate. But, alas, I am 100% a lesbian. Being out at home now. I can breath. I can breath and it is a beautiful thing.
Oh, btw, I outed myself on the radio to Wayne Dyer, on national live radio before telling H! I was desperate for advice. Wayne Dyer said I had to tell him, that hw would love me more. I thought, wrong! But he was right. Let me add, telling DH was right for me. I don’t feel it may be right for everyone. Just to be clear. I want women to feel supported by me because i support what ever journey women are on about this. It is a hard road.
Do you plan to stay married to him and have gf's on the side?
He sounds like such a great guy.
Blue if you are reading this you and roxy need to do more talking.
P.S. LOL for outing yourself on the radio. But sorry for the desperation.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Laurie, of course I am reading this and I am just amazed. I don't think my dh would go for this. I might be surprised, but it's not ringing with me. I think I am going to be out with dh sooner than planned, but it might be ugly. Do you think that a gf on the side would be happy with that?
I kind of would like to know how she told him. Roxy?
Blue
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Would a gf on the side be happy with...? Being on the side. Yes. Depending on her situation. Would she want the best for you? Yes. Would it work if your H was accepting? Yes, it could.
I really love Dh in the most higher form of love. Agape? He adores me. I loved/love my girl in the most intense purely romantic passionate kind of way. I was not sexually jealous of her H. There was no need. I knew where her heart was. But her H finding out about her sexuality and not going for it...oh my. You can only imagine the kind of pain she found herself in. I told her I would always support her choice. I did not want her to feel torn.
Let see how did I tell H. I cried. I told him I was scared because i had to tell him something BIG and I was probably going to make a mistake doing it. I told him I was scared. I told him I LOVED HIM. I told him I love him a bunch of times. THen I told him I was scared. I told him what I had to tell him was going to change our lives and I had kept it inside out of fear of losing him. I said, it had to do with my sexual orientation.
He said, "i know...I know...it is okay. I love you. It will be okay."
I did not even have to say I am gay. But I did make it clear that I KNEW it, and it was no something i was thinking about or that i might be. I told him I saw a therapist secretly to manage it. That I even had been suicidal over it. I told him I loved him. That I LOVED him. (i do).
I have a lotof history of struggling with sexual abuse issues (or so I thought). DH knew all this. So all that made so much sense. We are closer now. But I am gay and he is not in denial about it.
Anyway, hope this helps a little. It help that i was not involved when I told DH. And there was no betrayal.
Well, I think my son saw the LL Board up on the toolbar. I think he might tell dh, although dh is from the "don't ask, don't tell" school of marriage.
Mostly, though, because I am becoming so comfortable with myself. This summer may prove to be very interesting for me. I am traveling a lot, doing some union work that puts me in contact with other lesbians, and have made a good contact in a former student teacher who is a lesbian and is ready to take me out. No, it's not like that. She is having a committment ceremony this summer with her partner. She is ready to help me network. So, with all things in combination and if the sun, the moon, the stars, and other celestial bodies line up....who knows. I am not near a caught up in the "coming out of the closet, OH GOD!" emotions that I was in March. The people that I have chosen have been very supportive. Haven't met one yet that has panicked or been revolted.
So, that's how I feel.
Hugs
Blue
LOL! about outing myself on international radio indeed!! And I made the call from my closet! LOL!!!
Roxy
ROFLMAO!!!
That is too funny.
Hugs
Blue
Pages