Thursday Thoughts......LBD........

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thursday Thoughts......LBD........
21
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 7:31am

Lesbian Bed Death


Is is simply a fancy name for what can happen even to heterosexual couples?

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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Avatar for why1040
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:33am

I don't think LBD is a necessary part of any relationship, but I do think it happens in both heterosexual and homosexual contexts, we've just created a term for it!

I think, like anything, the novelty can wear off, especially if you show all your tricks in the first couple of weeks. But that original almost desperate passion can be overrun by everyday concerns, worries and lassitude, as well as overfamiliarity, perhaps. And there are going to be times of lower sexual activity no matter how healthy your relationship is!

I think that like any part of a relationship, the sexual side needs deliberate work to remain happy and healthy. It isn't just going to happen without a bit of thought and perhaps even planning-and COMMUNICATION of course!

There are an awful lot of things that can affect the needs/wants of sex in a partnership. Tension, stress, depression, certain medications, time factors, all have a recognised impact, and may need very sensitive handling.

Well, those are my thoughts based on my own experiences...my own sex drive is so dependent on my psychological state, I can end up going months without the slightest interest if I'm stressed, but I'm learning to manage that stress now :o)

Gentle hugs,

Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:38am

Hey Caly, I really do look forward to these topics, keep up the good work! I'll respond to this question when I come home from school this evening.

Otherwise, please have a nice day.

Hugs,

Sebastian.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 9:02am
Hi Caly,
In my experience, being in a ten year relationship we have gone back and fourth with LBD. It seems to coincide with meds, weight gain, stress (see meds). But communication we have found is the most important thing.
I went through this topic on the board a couple of years ago and thought I was going to end my relationship. I felt unloved, etc, blah, blah, blah. But, after communication and some quality time together things improved. It has been back and fourth since then. When sheila gains weight she does not feel sexy or like having sex. Then she takes off the weight and feels good about herself again. She also has a problem when I put on to much weight. I have come to an understanding about it and have been watching myself in that area. The love has never waivered we can be sure of that.
Through it all we always manage to snuggle and make out like teenagers though. I think our mutual respect for each other has alot to do with our getting through tough times.
Right now her dad has just had a major heart attack and my mom just had cancer surgery and has some suspicious looking lymph nodes so when we go to bed we snuggle and kiss good night other than that we are just both exhausted.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:29am

I have never even heard of LBD. I had to do some research on it on the net. Lol. As far as the LBD thing, I dont really have a comment or any suggestions. I have never been in a relationship long enough to experience this. My first gf and I would have sex everyday. Yes everyday for about 3 months, but we were carefree teenagers at that point in our lives. In my own personal life, sex is not a high priority. I am too busy thinking of what needs to be done in the house. My STBXH and I would maybe have sex once a week. Sometimes we would go through dry spells and it might be once every 3 weeks. To him it is a high priority, right up there with sleeping, eating, breathing. (I know he masterbated a lot) To me there are so much other things that are a higher priority.

I can't say if LBD would happen to me when I have my next relationship with a woman. If it does I will keep you informed lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 11:29am

I do think it can happen in both homosexual and heterosexual relationships. I think the reason it's talked about more in relation to lesbians is that because we're constantly dealing with hormonal changes, we're going to have more periods of not being in the mood than men do. I know there are men out there who would have sex every day if they could (and some do I'm sure). I don't think that is the norm for women.


Sex got to be REALLY difficult for me after I had my kids. I work full-time and that plus raising two young kids takes a huge toll, especially when you're sometimes the primary caregiver (my XH travels A LOT, so I frequently solo parented when we were married).


With Caly, though, it's totally different. Yeah, we have our 'hormonal' times, but I look at sex differently now. I see it as a necessary part of a relationship. I used to think I could be in a relationship and be perfectly fine without it. But, it provides a way to connect that nothing else can. Sometimes we do have to 'pencil it in' on our calendar, but let's face it, we live very hectic lives and I think the important thing is that we DO make time for it. When one of us is not in the mood, however, the other one totally respects that, and there is no pressure to perform. That aspect of our relationship has been very special and meaningful.


Like everything else related to relationships, a lot of this depends on the couple and what their lives are like (do they have kids, are there

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 1:55pm

Yes, I think it happens to het couples too. I think they call it "normal"...kidding.

But seriously, there is a solution. I read this amazing book that was recomended by someone on another lesbian support board. "Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships" by sex therapist David Schnarch.

It is not a quick read. It is also for non-het couples and non-married folks. And the most interest thing in it? He supports the idea of intimacy like I have never read defined elsewhere. And somehow, it is tied to maturity. The book is aimed at older couples who are self-actualized and therefore better able to handle intimacy than younger partners. he says, "People have difficulty with intimacy because they're supposed to." It's part of the journey.

Thanks for a great topic
Hugs
Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 5:48pm

Hi Chris Thanks for your input!


You are so right that there are so many factors that influence our sex drive, I sometimes think people just think "gee I dont want to have sex with her I must not love her anymore" or visa versa "if she doesnt want to have sex she doesnt love me"


Every part of a relationship is work ( some of it fun *wink) but work none the less.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 5:49pm

Glad you are enjoying them buddy!

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 5:56pm

Hey Laurie!

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 7:25pm

Hehe Momma thanks for your reply.


There is definitely a difference with the way men look at sex vs women

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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