Coming out to your children....
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| Fri, 06-08-2007 - 12:45am |
How'd ya do it?!?!? I am so not worried about coming out to ANYONE, but my daughter. Most in my family know I have a girlfriend and all my friend's know I do as well.
Here's a little background on my situation....I have been married previously and had a child. I have also been in relationships with women,both pervious to my marriage and after as well. I hate labels, but while I have been with men, my preference is to be in a relationship with a woman. Anywho...I'm trying to not turn this into a novel! Well, I am in a great relationship with a woman, but am facing HUGE family opposition to it. I have finally decided that despite family/society pressures to be in a hetero relationship, that is simply not what makes me happy. So, my decision is to be with a woman. I have let my family know this, because it became pretty obvious that the woman I was hanging out with constantly was more than just a friend! Well, now I am catching a lot of flack. My mom has told me that this is completely unfair to my daughter, that it will be emotionally damaging to her because my daughter, who is nearly 9, is completely unaware of the fact that I am with a woman. My daughter's dad also does not want our daughter to know about this. They both agree that it will be difficult for her to understand and will just confuse her in general about relationships. They feel this is a moral issue, and that I need to "be a better moral compass for my daughter." I do not think I'll ever again be with a man, and regardless of how this current relationship goes, I see myself in a relationship with a woman.
My girlfriend has been completely understanding. She has met my daughter and they get along great! But she understands that right now is not a great time for her to understand the type of relationship we have. My daughter also knows that she is a lesbian, but I have probed her a bit and think she's oblivious to the fact that she's my girlfriend.
Now, for how I feel..... I feel that it could be handled in a very loving way and that while it would possibly be surprising to my daughter, it would not be some traumatic experience the way some family members feel it would be. But.....I feel that if I did tell her now, that she would be guided by other family members to feel that I was very mistaken about what consitutes a good moral relationship....blah, blah, blah! I do worry somewhat about the things she may have to deal with as far as friends and their families are concerned. We live in KS, and it's very church driven around here! My daughter knows I have lesbian friends, and has said that "it's weird to think about 2 girls kissing" and "why would 2 girls want to kiss anyways?!" I have explained that love is love, and that although there are not as many people that choose to be with someone of the same sex, if 2 people love each other and care about each other, it's okay.
I've also done the "what if" scenarios....like, what if your aunt was gay, what if so and so was gay, etc. She was like, so what, I'd still love them, they'd still be the same person! But she did say it would be weird if I or her father were gay. She said, that's different, you're my mom.
So....I guess what I'm looking for is, how have you handled this? Have you had to face opposition to your relationship because you have children? How did your children react? Did they blame the person you were in a relationship in for "making" you lesbian? I'm just so worried about this! I don't want to hide this too much longer.
I appreciate all comments and feedback! Thanks for reading, and I hope this wasn't too jumbled up!

Welcome to the board! It's great to have you here! I think
Caly & Ting,
Thank you so much for the warm welcome!! It was great reading about how you've handled it, how it's affected the lives of those around you, and most importantly, that no one's world came crashing down!!
I think that the way you two have handled things is awesome! I think I plan to use a similar approach in that I will slowly come out to her by her being around me and my g/f, seeing how happy we are when we are together, and how much fun we all have when we do things together. Then slowly talk about the emotional side of my relationship with g/f, i.e. love and care about her, etc. My g/f thinks that my daughter is already quite aware of what is going on. If we are in another room, or step outside, my daughter will either immediately follow, or open the door soon after, as if to check up on us! She has asked me why I spend so much time with her as opposed to other friends of mine, to which I responded that my g/f is a great gal and that I love spending time with her. I also bring my g/f up in conversation a bit. Like some funny story involving her, or something we did together. So I don't think that her knowing is too far into the future. Kids are pretty intuitive, and although there is no affection given between me and my g/f, there can't be much doubt that we look at each other in a different way than just a friend.
Anyhow, this board is awesome. I've read through many posts and it's great to see all the support and advice given by other members. Again, thanks for the welcome and I plan on sticking around....how could I not?!?!
Edited 6/8/2007 3:49 pm ET by meandmycrazylife
So glad we could help, and I'm glad that you're going to hang around and post more with us! I'm sure we'll have lots to talk about since we have children the same age!
You're right...kids are very intuitive, and she probably does know that more is going on than you've told her. I think you have a great strategy for handling it, though.
Hugs
Hey, I would just like to welcome you to the board. I have two grown children who do not know, in fact, most people don't know. My daughter lives very far from me in Boulder, CO and my son lives close to home and is still in college. My son has asked me if I was a lesbian and at the time I lied, and said no, because he asked in front of his girlfriend and I certainly was not ready for the question to be popped like that! I'm sure he knows, but my family is from the "don't ask, don't tell" school of families.
I am thinking about telling my daughter because she is so far from home. It won't be as much a burden on her from there. However, dh doesn't even know, although he may have an inkling.
Whatever you choose, I think coming of a position of love and caring as you seem to be doing is the best approach. The world certainly doesn't come to an end if you have gay parents.
We're here for support and opinion....lord knows we have opinions. lol But, it's a good thing! Hope to see you here more.
Blue
Hey Me!
(LOL we have to come up with a nickname for you *grin )
I am glad we were able to be so much help right off the bat.