having a moment

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
having a moment
16
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 10:26pm

I think i am doing pretty good but i feel vulnerable. I guess that is normal. At times i feel like reaching out to community and them at moments I get overwhelmed. Aghhh I am having a moment. I actually feel shaky here.

I guess it is okay to admit I am scared. I am scared i wont heal from the loss of her. I am scared I wont want to trust again. I am scared i tend to attract...negative energy from women. I an trying not to think this. I want to stay positive. I posted about the break-up on another site another another name where the women are mean aggressive. It is a site for married women (lesbains). It helped to at first. Then people sniffed me out. Ihave gotten trolled there and flamed. It is hard to explain it. Anyway, I am tired, I am sad, I am really scared. I dont even know what to say i am afraid of. I think I am down. I am down. I just need support. I am hurting and i dont know exactly how to ask for something... I just hurt. And I want to trust women you know?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
In reply to: roxy_blue
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 6:47am

(((((Roxy)))))

I hate that you feel so down right now! If you lived close I'd invite you out tonite with my friends and I! It so sucks right in the middle of it all, when all the feelings seem so overwhelming. When it seems like things just won't get better. I'm sorry to hear you got such negative reactions from the other board. I'm pretty sure you'll get tons of support here! Know that the feelings do slowly lighten and your spirit will mend. There are tons and tons of women who are trust worthy, so don't give up hope. It's okay to be a bit protective of your feelings, I think we all are to an extent. I will check back later to see how you are....I'm off to work a double shift. Take care and I hope that you have a much better day today.

Anns

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: roxy_blue
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:21am

(((Anns)))

Thank you! This is the sweetest message!! YEs this board has been a godsent. I need to remember that when people are aggressive or meanspirited is becuase they dont feel lovable and not take it personally. I also need to not visit the other board. It is only a small handful that cause all the trouble. It is not moderated that well so that behaviour feeds the ones flaming.

I will focus on the positive today. I woke up feeling sad. But i will try and shake. I dreamt about her. We were teenagers in my dream, i couldn't reach her via cell phone.

Thanks Anns!

Hugs

Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: roxy_blue
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:29am

Hi roxy,

I'm pretty sure you've seen me here and there on this board. I really am sorry that you're going through this. Everyone on this board knows how you feel about going through the pain of a relationship that didn't work out. The women here have a lot of positive energy and we are very supportive here. I've been here for a while, and even though a lot of women are having a hard time with their soon to be ex husbands, their opinion about guys is at an all time low, and understandably so, but I'm a decent guy.

Anyway, if you stay here, you will see that we all look out for each other, and we allow you to get through what you need to get through. So, please understand that we do care about you and we do hope that you can trust women again. The only suggestion I can give you is to take your time next time and get to know the next woman in your life, don't just rush into anything. I've had to learn that lesson the hard way many different times.

So, stay here and get to know us, and you will see that we are a supportive bunch and we do care about each other very much.

Thanks,

Sebastian

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: roxy_blue
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:41am

Wise gentle words dear Sebastian. I do feel safe here. I am going to take my gentle time, let myself heal and learn about my part. Work on me a bit. I would like to do that here, heal here in what seems a place of good women and a great Guy (((Sebastian))).

I swing from being resolute to be strong one minute to feeling really vulnerable the next. I am going to do some good selfcare this weekend and try to get my center again. Thank you for your post. I look forward to getting to know you and the dear women here also.

Hugs

Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: roxy_blue
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 9:48am

Hey Roxy,


TiNG and I are down in GA this weekend picking up the girls, so we don't really have much computer time.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: roxy_blue
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 9:52am

Thank you Ting and Caly. Have a safe trip. Take good care.

Hugs

Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
In reply to: roxy_blue
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:38pm

So how's your day going?!?! Got some positive vibes going? I've wondered throughout the day how you were. And don't think I'll get tired of you venting....I understand! So vent here all you want, I know that I'll respond, and I have a pretty good feeling that many others will as well! Take care and let us know how you're doing.

Anns

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: roxy_blue
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:56pm

Thank you Anns! I am very introspective right now. I guess it could be good and it could be bad. I am going over all she said the last time we spoke. How she sounded business like and cold and then irritated too when she asked what i needed in terms of future contact...like she was wishing i'd say none, and releived when I said NC made sense.

I keep thinking about how she pulled me in the week before she was going to do NC so she could bond with her H. SHe said so many sweet things to pull me in. Why? Why would she do that knowing she was going to try and bond with H? Her H was away on business and she really pulled me in. Almost so I would attached to her in case she could not make her marriage work. Like having me in her back pocket. And I did not question it.

I think i need to look at all of this so i am not vulnerable to her in case she reaches out. She has been in control of our contact. I think she hates that she has lost control over me now. SHe was in therapy for her orientation and she did not tell her T about me. I guess she was so ashamed about it she could not even tell her therapist. I think she is angry her H accidently found out that she is gay. He look at history and found a hotmail account (no emails) and that she had visited a lesbian support site for married women. It changed their marriage. Because NOW he wants intimacy and to be there for her...well guess what, I think she prefers the way things were. They never even argued about anything, they were so disconnected. I think that is what i hear in our last talk, she has a marriage where she is now expected to participate in emotionally and I am not sure she wants that, because no it is work.

SO I am thinking, HOW DID I MISS ALL OF THIS. What was i not able to see or look at and why? How is it that I bought all the talk about how I could trust her to be there and she be the ONE woman to let me know women are good. How did i let myself get sweet talked? WHy did she say over and over again that she did not played me? I never even came close to having thoughts she did. Was it because she did? I dont think so. I think she was trying me on for size...maybe i was just a fantasy to her. My love was real though.

Yeah...rambling thoughts...part of letting go I guess.

Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
In reply to: roxy_blue
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 10:27pm

Hey (((Babe))

I have been gone all day at a huge softball tournament. I left the house at 6:15 and did not return until 9:30 pm. Sounds like a tough day for you. I am so sorry. I am not sure you missed anything with her. She was probably as sincere as she could be and you really wanted to believe, but you were right in previous postings, I think she is scared. I takes a huge amount of courage to step away from what is secure. She can't do it. She may have felt that you were exciting and different, and you surely were. Now, something ugly is rearing it's head: loss of stability, money, other friends, marriage, children, I could go on and on. She CAN'T do it. Feel somewhat sorry for her, but don't let this control you.

I know this is going to take a long time to get over. Take all the moments you need. Don't you just get in a rage about it sometimes, then a sadness, then I tell myself to be strong, then I cry, then I get hold of myself and steel my resolve, and move forward until it all happens again. What I have noticed is that the intensity of things is starting to fade. Sometimes I wonder if people can tell on the outside that I am wounded. Mostly, I think not, but sometimes people say that I don't seem myself. Expect that, too.

So, tomorrow is another day. It will be another day without her, but it will be a better, new day for you. I would also stay off that other site. It sounds scary to me. We're so supportive and kind here. Stay with us, 'cause I don't think they have anybody's best interest at heart.

Catch after my tournament ends tomorrow....maybe before if I can actually get up early.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: roxy_blue
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 2:00am
(((((((Hugs Roxy))))))) Well I am so sad that other board or some of it's boardie's treated you as they did.. We are a caring bunch here.. Course you have felt us(our hearts and Hugs)*Smiles~..

 C  >^. A .

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