question about therapy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
question about therapy
19
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 7:01pm

Hi everyone. This is my 2nd post today. I have a question about therapy. I have been seeing a therapist for at least a couple of months now. I told her last week about my epiphany (See other post "my moment"). All along I have felt she wanted to steer me away from the idea this attraction to this woman could be an indication of me being a lesbian. She has said many times that there's a reason why we marry who we do, etc. She's very into the unconscience and why we make certain decisions (she's a student of Carl Jung). I definitely married my husband for certain reasons-I see that now. He's a wonderful man-but the opperative word is MAN.

Anyway, I appreciate her wanting me to look at every avenue, and she was so great last week when I told her of my moment. However, she sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable. One week she asked if I wanted to reach out to the local lesbian community. I told her I wasn't sure I would fit it. She kind of laughed-like I don't really know who I am. Then I read where most women in my situation (married, but attracted to women) don't fit like they belong anywhere. That's me. I feel like a phony in both worlds at the moment.

I recently picked up a book by Joanne Fleisher-Living Two Lives-Married to a Man and in Love with a Woman. It's been so great. There are so many things I relate to. This author went through this very situation herself. She eventually divorced and has been partnered with a woman for 26 years now. But she doesn't say that's what everyone should do.

Anyway, one thing she said is this "I felt great relief with the absence of gender role expectations when I became intimate with a woman. I also discovered I was more able to experience and express my personal power with a woman than I was with men." Boy-that really resonated with me. I tried to tell my therapist this, and she questioned me. Why? Why does it matter I feel this way? I sometimes get the feeling she wants to correct it. Like she thinks if we do enough uncovering, I will find a way to feel more powerful with men. It just is. I like men. I have four brothers. I actually really enjoy men if I don't have to give them anything other than friendship. I know that now! I can be friends with my dh. I have a lot of affection for him as we have shared a life and had children. But I am not the best wife. I always marveled at those women who could be so feminine around men. I feel much more feminine around women-I feel so much more like a woman with this awareness!

Anyway, I feeling concerned about continuing with her. I also want to make sure I'm not just trying to get off easy with this process. She has helped me in a lot of ways. Did anyone ever change therapists while struggling with these issues? If I'm going to work my butt off to figure it all out, I don't want to take more steps backwards than I need to. It's tough enough!

Thanks for reading

Passion

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 7:58pm

Hey Passion!


It is not uncommon for people to change therapists.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 9:09pm

Yo(that's a Philly hello), Passion,
My therapist recommended that book to me and I have read it twice now and plan to take it on vacation with me this summer. I get different things out of it each time. The author is from my area and I have pondered checking up on one of her support groups, but she is in the city, and I can't justify going there right now.

I went looking for a therapist with 3 things in mind. First, it had to be a woman. At the time, my concern was not me, but my son, but I had a feeling that I would eventually get around to this aspect of me. Second, she had to be in my age range. I wanted somebody who had seen a bit of life as I had, and third, she needed to be a mom to fully understand family.

As the years have passed and I have told her so much and outed myself to her, really, before I even came to grips with myself..as in, "I think I might be gay? What do you think", she has been a quiet voice of support and she gives me the right words to say to my ds and dh. I never seem to need help with dd. We get along so well.

One of the funniest moments was when she asked me who I thought was attractive and I went through a list of famous women. I hesitated and finished with her. I told her that I hesitated 'cause I didn't want to have to find another therapist. We have a great professional relationship and I wouldn't trade her in for a million bucks.

If you do choose to find a new therapist, have a list in mind of the qualities that you are looking for. If they seem at all homophobic, I would move on for a new one.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 10:41pm

Hi, I am brand new to this board. I am also a therapist. I have also read Joanne's book and am married with children and in love with a beautiful, wonderful single woman with kids.

Your post resonates with me. I want to tell you one thing: TRUST YOUR GUT!
that advice is true no matter what you are doing or wondering. TRUST YOUR GUT!
If you think she is judging or trying to change your mind or second guess you, and if you feel like she sort of laughed and that made you UNEASY... PAY ATTENTION to this.

I say you need to have complete trust in your therapist. Pure and Simple. This process is much too hard to allow there to be any room for any question from you about her motives.

I vote you find someone you are totally comfortable with. Use recommendations from others in your area who have been through this or something similar or simply find a GLBT friendly therapist who won't judge you because you are married (no hard cores).

I wish you the very best in your journey. You are well on your way!

Hearts Desire 07

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:07am

Welcome Hearts!!


Thank you for that advice 'from the horse's mouth' so to speak!

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 8:52am

Hi Passion,


You mentioned something that your therapist said a while back in one of your posts, and it seemed "off" to me. I don't remember what it was, but I do remember thinking that I didn't exactly agree with what your therapist was saying.


I think you have already

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 10:57am

Welcome Hearts Desire! It's great to have you here. You have some great advice, and I'm sure we will learn a lot from you.


Looking forward to getting to know you better...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:01am

Hi Caly. The thing about my therapist is she is a student of Carl Jung. It was well known he was homophobic. I questioned her on this and she kind of stumbled. She said he was more into the masculine-whatever that meant. Also, I've always been of the mindset that just because someone's theories have always been well respected and adhered to does not mean we have a lot more to learn about the human psyche and experience. Someone always comes along to shed more light on the human condition. To love someone is a beautiful thing-why all the questioning? Falling in love with this woman woke me up to me again-and I feel like some of the joy of that is being taken away from me.

It's hard to determine if I feel uncomfortable because she's making me examine everything in my life-intimacy issues, etc, or because of the sexuality issue. I am going to go to her again next week and bring more of these issues up.

Anyway-I will keep you posted on what I do. Thanks for your support

Passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:09am

Hi again Blue. You're so sweet to always respond. I'm glad we're on this journey together.

I am going to start shopping around this week for other therapists-just in case. I will give her on more try. I did question her a couple of weeks ago by asking her if Carl Jung (his theories are the basis of her practice) was homophobic. I had read that. She actually stumbled and gave some remark about him being more masuline or male oriented. Whatever.

What does is matter if I love men, women or cardboard boxes (sorry-that's what's in front of me). If it's love and I feel whole-then so be it. I do want to know more about myself as far as intimacy issues and whatnot-but I don't want to lose that wonderful feeling I had when I realized something about myself! What I want to know now is how the heck to go about living my life with this new knowledge?

I hope you're summer's great. I remember when I was teaching how wonderful summers were. Joanne's book is great. When I showed it to my therapist she said "So, is she still with ehr husband?" I thought that was odd. I told her "no-she has now been with a woman for 26 years" but that she doesn't say that's the solution for everyone.

Anyway-gotta get to the gym. Take care

Passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:16am

Heartsdesire-thank you for your insight and for responding. I know I need to trust my gut. I have all along felt my therapist try and steer me away from this path. I do think it's important to look at all possibilites. But I have past history of attractions to women-actually involved with two in high school and early college-but chose to completely ignore this fact and get married to a really nice guy.

Now I need to figure out how to live my life authentically. I am going to do some search this week for someone else-and give this therapist one more session. I asked her recently if Carl Jung was homophobic. Her therapy is completely based on his theories. When I asked her, she stumbled-not prepared for me to ask this. She said he was more focused on the masculine-or whatever. Point is, no one's theories are untouchable and we have far more to learn about the human psyche and experience!

So, thanks again. I hope you find peace also. Have you posted your story? I would be interested in hearing it, as it helps to hear all stories.

Take care

Passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:19am

Hi Ting. I'm glad I'm back here. I am going to explore the idea of a different therapist. I have had enough doubts now that I at least owe it to myself to check it out. This is so darn hard already, not to have someone make me second guess everything.

I will be coming back more and more, as I really need all of your support now. I know I will be making more changes soon, so I can come here and bounce off my ideas and experiences with you all

Take care

Passion

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