A Ringing Sensation...
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A Ringing Sensation...
| Sat, 06-23-2007 - 9:36pm |
I have a very serious question, but I can't even believe I am asking. I am looking for pros and cons to this with reasons why.
I want to know if you think I should remove my wedding rings when I go to my union event this weekend or leave them on. I don't want to misrepresent myself, but I don't want to put people off. Okay, I know this is weird and it sounds really awful, but please remember I am new to all of this and am trying to find my way. Is this a terrible thought? Should I even consider it? I don't even want to ask my therapist this question on Tuesday, so I'm asking you.
Please be nice and break it to me gently.
Hugs
Blue

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If you want to tell him in person, it will give him time to sort through it while he is in Florida. Then you come back and do your thing and you two could talk more in between times.
Didn't you say he sort of knows or something anyway? Or was that someone else. There are so many going through this right now.
Hugs (((((Blue)))))
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Hey, Laurie,
I don't know if he has an inkling or not. You should hear him talk about all that he is doing, what we will do when we get down there, who he has met, how our lives will be.
It's a little sad to think that I am going to screw all this up. I feel so bad for him. He is such a nice guy. It's going to be awful in a sad, hurtful way for him, and that is why I am having such a hard time doing it. I wish he was a difficult man, or abusive, or SOMETHING to make this easier.
Thanks for the major hugs..back to you, of course.
I know that things are tough for Sheila right now. Hugs to her, also.
Blue
Oh Blue-I had to add my thoughts here-if you don't mind. I think you should tell him face to face. I say that because it's been a week since I told my h and I'm so glad now I did it face-to-face. It was so hard though. I was a mess and seeing his face contort was pretty sad.
My h is a really good guy too. So many times I wish he would be a jerk, or would have cheated on me, or something to make it "easier". He did say to me this weekend that he feels like he and kids have been an experiment to him. That hurt. But my therapist said not to give it any energy because it isn't true.
Anyway, I was so convinced I would "destroy" my h with this revelation. But the more I thought about it, no one can destroy another person unless that person wants to be destroyed. That may sound harsh to some people, but I really believe it. I had to tell myself that about the woman I fell for. When I felt hurt by her lack of reciprocation, I realized I was letting myself be too hurt by what she couldn't give me. I know that it may hurt, but I don't have to let it stop me from moving on and living my life.
My h is going through a major shake-up now, and it's tough to watch. But, he'll survive, and I believe he'll actually be much better for it eventually. I think he'll be a better dad and we'll have a better relationship at some point. I realize now we were never really that close, and maybe now we can be on a different level.
Well, enough about me! Really, I wish you the best as you make this step. It's so scary before you do it, but it gets better. Let us know what happens!
Hugs,
Passion
Thanks, Passion. That really helps me. Lots of people at my stage and with the years that I have invested keep saying, Why? Nobody knows what is really happening, but sometimes I say "Don't bet on the marriage lasting." Why would you want to do this now????, they ask.
I don't think that my dh and I have ever been all that close. Not that I didn't try. I just have finally come to the realization that he can't love me the way I need to be loved. Part of that is our marriage and then most of it is me. I have never felt about him or other guys the way I felt about M. The intensity just hasn't been there.
So, it's good to know that he won't be "destroyed." I am sure it will be weird as he tries to explain to others why we aren't going to make it. I will let him tell whatever stories he needs to tell, I think.
Another problem is that I have never been alone. My therapist assures me that it is very liberating. I was alone last summer and I am this summer, but I know there will be an end. God, what if this was my LIFE...the whole rest of it???
Okay, I'm gettin' all psychological now. Time for me to quit for awhile. DS will be here soon and I need to help him with some work.
Thanks, again. Hugs
Blue
But it is sad for you right now too isn't it?
Or can you handle staying married and not being who you are? Can you live the way you are right now?
This is such a hard thing for you to be involved in. I am so sorry.
I hope you find a soft and gentle way to break it to him.
What is going on in Florida? Are you planning to move there?
I will give Sheila your hugs.
Thanks and hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Two years ago he started talking about retiring to Florida and living the rest of our lives. He wanted to buy a house. I didn't. It was almost the marriage breaker. Maybe I should have let it be. I don't want a house in a retirement community, I have way too much living to do before I even consider that. Going there with him doesn't interest me.
So, I put up all my umpire money that I had at the time to get him this house. We rent it out during the winter and then he goes down in the summer. It's not my dream, it's his. I refuse to go just out of principle, I guess.
Here's a thought. Can he be married to me when I tell him. What if he can?? Then I will have to actually start the proceedings myself. I was going to let him decide. Also, what if I find somebody in the meantime. I think he likes the security that I provide with the money I make. My fantasy is that he will find somebody on his own and divorce me. How easy would that be? I won't even have to act wounded or anything. Fantasy's rarely come true, hon. I know I am going to have to tell him sometime, my timetable has been speeded up, that's for sure. I was going to wait until I retired, but that is not going to happen, I think. Then, I wonder how this will affect my job. People in my neck of the woods would still be very hesitant about an openly gay PE teacher teaching their kids. I'd be discreet, but I know how the students and faculty treat our only bi-teacher. The kids aren't sure, but we all know.
It's all a big mess right now, but I have it under control for the most part. I need to slow down the people I am telling, because I don't want it to get back to dh or the kids before I am ready. I'm fine living like this. I am a LOT more free and happy than I have been in years, possibly decades. lol
Thanks for your concern. I'm working slowly, but surely to get where I need to be.
Hugs
Blue
My feeling is that this is a face to face thing too. I did it face to face...it is big. A moment. EVen a sacred moment, if you will, because it is about your truth...and then his too.
I will be thinking about you.
Hugs
Roxy
Thanks, Roxy. Nothing will happen at least until he gets home in August. Don't think too hard. lol I am just amazed by your dh and the way he has accepted you. And he even knew befoe you told him.
I had a reasonably good day with my therapist. She is trying to be my "moral compass" as she says. She may be gravely disappointed with me after next week. Rings off and all that. lol She also thinks my timetable has speeded up drastically and is beginning to work on me and the telling. I won't be coaxed, goaded, or chided into moving before I am ready. One of my concerns is that I may feel a lot like telling dd while I am in CO. I would tell her tonight, but I don't want her to have to bear any secret burden.
Can I ask you a question? Do you two still live together?
Blue
Hey Blue. Boy do I understand about the intensity not being there in the marriage. Just imagining being with a woman is more intense than anything I ever had with my dh. My therapist keeps saying there's always a reason why you marry someone. I know now I married him because I could at least be his friend-but more than that has been a struggle. I realize that I can't be myself with him-so we never got close. I can't be myself because he's not a woman-plain and simple. Not a defect on his part-just gender.
Now listen to this carefully-it doesn't matter how long you have been with your husband. If you've been together 30 days or 30 years-you have the right to be true to yourself-even if you only have 1 day left on this earth. Sometimes I get down about where I am in the process. Then I kick myself in the pants because I realize how far I've come-how many risks I've taken and survived them all. And everytime I make a move, I know I'm stronger for it and it's helping me prepare for the next move. Look at me-I have three kids-one isn't even 3 years old yet. Sometimes I think "who's going to want an instant family? Will I be alone forever?" Well, I might be. But I doubt it because I'm pretty fabulous :-} Anyway-even if I'm alone-I can remind myself everyday I risked it all to be myself.
Here's one of my favorite quotes about love:
"Love is everything it's cracked up to be-that's why people are so cynical about it...it really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more" Erica Jong
Now, read the above whenever you think you might be giving something up to be yourself. Yeah-it's risky-but you're damn fabulous too and someone equally fabulous is waiting-guaranteed.
Biggest hugs,
Passion
Oh-and being alone-it can be very liberating. You are your own best company. I doubt you'd be alone for long though.
Hi again Blue. You know-he could want to stay married. Be prepared for that. Many guys do-because they're even more afraid to be alone. I know my dh thought a bit about it-but I'm not going there and I think he's being realistic it ain't happening. But if you are really ready to be your own person-give yourself a chance to find that intensity you talk about with M-then be ready to be the bad guy. You may have to start proceedings-and you can do it! I'm in the process of trying to get all my stuff in order to move on-it's terribly exciting and terrifying all at once!
Also, your fear of being outed at work is very serious I realize. You do have to consider that. Are you in an area that is not diverse? This wouldn't be much of a problem where I am. But I have to laugh-because really-almost every pe teacher I know is gay-really. I just laughed when I saw that part of your post. Again-I know it's serious-but it's kind of ironic also. Every pe teacher and coach I had in my high school years was gay. So, you could start a club or something!
Just a little light-heartedness for the evening. Take care
Hugs,
Passion
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