It takes courage to be a...
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| Thu, 06-28-2007 - 6:31pm |
lesbian. I wanted to answer the Thursday thoughts thread, but am just frozen. I know it sounds silly to say it takes courage to "be" a lesbian. I know I've reached a point to where I had no option other than to start the process of coming out and living my life. But now that I've made so many moves to start that life, I'm terrified.
I now need to separate from my husband, find a place to live, help my children adjust to a new way of life with two different households and watch them grieve. I have to come out to my family and friends. I have to find a job for the first time in nearly 8 years. And I know I can handle all those things. What scares me the most is, I have no one waiting. No one to prove to me I'm doing the right thing-that I really am capable of living this life. The life I lead now, I know. I realize now that it's only been living in a cloud, but I've managed.
This new life-well-it's so untested. But I know there's no turning back, yet I'm not sure how to move forward. I've been feeling very vulnerable the last few days. I know I sound so insightful when I give out great advice to others, but I sit here and wonder how I'm ever going to accept who I am and be okay with having no one to reflect back to me that I'm okay, that I'm right.
So, there's my emotional state right now. I must say, besides my best friend who I lean on too much, all you ladies are my saving grace right now. To know I have a community to reach out to right now is making all the difference.
Hugs,
Passion

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Passion,
I too have felt many of those emotions you are feeling. In fact, I still do from time to time. It's scary, and yes, it does take courage. I now know that I just didn't have that courage years ago when I first knew. When I came out as lesbian, it seemed that it was an open invitation for people to question my spirituality, morality, etc. I thought, "Ya know, I've lived in 'sin' before, having pre-marital sex...why is this so extremely different for the people who lean on religion to tell me that being lesbian is wrong?!?!" It is scary to know that your children will have to go through not only a divorce, but an adjustment to mom being in a lesbian relationship. I know for me it seemed like I was in a dream for a while. Like nothing was relly real. It was so overwhelming to be questioned so harshly, and to know that I was hurting people I loved, just because I was finally being me. But, I also know that for me things are beginning to shift, people are starting to become aware that regardless of their feelings this is who I am. I too am so glad that we have this community to turn to! It's been awesome finding women who have been in hetero marriages previously and are now out and being who they've always been! It has definitely helped me have more courage, knowing that others have gone through it and life didn't fall apart! Best wishes to you and know that you are doing the right thing....you are finally allowing yourself to be you!
((((Passion)))
Annz
I know its overwhelming Passion and my best advice is "Baby Steps".
To thine own self be true.
If being a lesbian is really you, and you feel you want to live YOUR life, then you are doing the right thing.
I have, over the years, been living my life as the above saying goes. I will tell you, I am so much more happy with life.
And those around me are so much more happy too.
Of course not everyone accepted my being a les right away. For some it took a little time for the dust to settle.
Don't expect everyone to be happy for you right away, some will need time. Others will be just fine with it.
Be strong.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Hey, Passion, you know how much I admire you for what you are doing and have been a real inspiraion for me right now. It's all gonna be good when it's finally done. Your kids will be okay and so will your family and friends. You know that saying everybody uses around here, mind/matter stuff. I think it is true.
If I lived close to ya, I'd pick you up for coffee tomorrow and just talk. Since I can't actually get us to Starbucks, let me pour you a cybercup and say anytime you need to just talk or vent, you can email me through my profile or just post here.
"Did you ever know that you're my hero?"
Hugs
Blue
Thanks Annz. I can relate to nothing feeling real at times. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at my life when I feel overwhelmed. I think "Was that me that just did that?". It's almost too real.
I also realize now I didn't have the courage to be myself when I was younger. I wanted so much to be "normal" and not disappoint anyone-especially my mom. I'm the only girl and youngest out of 5 and the weight of her expectations on me was overwhelming. I know that eventually the people who really love me will be here.
Thanks again for your support
Hugs,
Passion
Hey Caly-thanks for your kind words. I know you didn't have anyone when you came out either. I think in some ways it is easier-because you know it's all about you. I know I need to take baby-steps-and to remember how much I've already done.
I know eventually my kids will be better-as the lack of communication and the tension around here are so palpable. It's hard to imagine the life though-the divorced life of sharing kids. Sigh-it is my new reality though.
There are times I feel my inner strength well-up inside of me and it's so fleeting. I want to bottle it and look at it when I'm feeling this way. I know eventually it won't be so fleeting.
Hugs,
Passion
Hi Laurie. I love that saying. I have used it many times. I know I'm doing the right thing in that I no longer want to be with a man. I have a good man-so if were going to work for me, it would have been him. I know now I want to eventually find the love of a woman and give my love to a woman. It's so darn hard to picture that life right now though-in the midst of my current life.
I know I need to take the baby-steps, and eventually it will become more real to me. I really don't mind being alone for a while. In fact, I know I need that. I also know that the people who really love me will be around when the dust settles.
Thanks again for your support. I also realize that the people who love me will be better off for me being me!
Hugs,
Passion
Oh Blue-I could barely get through your reply without sobbing. My emotions are so on the surface right now. Thank you for the hero thing. I know I have it in me to inspire and motivate people. But I also know the side of me that sometimes feels like a phony and not really capable of being brave enough to really be true to myself. But I guess, I have made lots of strides recently.
I know my kids will be okay. You know a moms-we love too much sometimes. I know I can't protect them completely and me being myself will actually be the best thing for our relationship.
I wish you were closer for coffee. I may take you up on emailing sometime.
Biggest hugs ever,
Passion
(((((Passion)))))
I'm so glad we can be here for you. I'll be honest and say you do have a hard road ahead of you, but you will get through it and will come out on the other side a very happy woman I'm sure. Even though you don't have someone waiting for you, I think you will be ok and will eventually find someone special.
Just take things one step at a time, one day at a time. That's all you can do without making yourself crazy. It will be hard not being able to see the kids all the time (assuming your husband will have visitation rights) but you'll adjust.
Hi Ting. Thanks for sharing your story about your girls. That must have been so hard not seeing their faces on Christmas morning. My parents were divorced. My dad actually left my mom when she was pregnant with me. So, I always had to go between houses. I know it's going to be tough. But I'm hoping that the kids will be better off not living with this tension-and complete lack of communication they are experiencing right now.
I made an appointment with our marriage therapist for next week. My therapist filled him in on my situation. He asked me if we planned to continue the marriage and I said no. So he knows it's more for transition. He was so affirming in my own process and it made me feel so good.
I really am not worried about no one being there right now. I know that's not the important thing. All I have is today anyway-as we all do. I keep reminding myself how far I've come and it's the right path! I feel very good about it now.
Thanks again for everything. I'll keep you all updated.
Hugs,
Passion
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