What does it mean to be "attracted"

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Registered: 05-20-2007
What does it mean to be "attracted"
24
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 6:50pm

So, that's a loaded question. I had this fascinating discussion with my friend this weekend, and then another good one with my therapist. My friend doesn't like the labels, thinks they're silly. Of course, she's hetersexual, never doubted it for minute. She says the reason this is a heterosexist world is because of procreation. She doesn't think she's homophobic at all. Ha!

Anyway, I got to talking to my therapist today. I asked her what does it mean to be attracted to someone-are we lead by our hearts or our genitals? Now, please go along with me here-I'm going somewhere. I know in my past, I never really "checked" women out. But I fell in love with a woman, and went on to have two brief physical relationships with women in my late teens/early twenties. But I never went around looking for them. My heart found them.

Do you think we woman are conditioned to ONLY look at men. Somehow we are "required" to mate up with a man. Of course, many or most women do tend towards that direction, so that's okay if they do. But I know that my heart has always found women, even if they were just close friends. My only strong, spiritual bond with a man has been with one of my brothers. But I feel much more intimacy with women. Are we women so conditioned not to trust our feelings that we just don't allow ourselves to go there? Is that why for some of us it takes until we're older-maybe stronger-to explore and acknowledge these feelings?

My friend said if it weren't for procreation we would all be lesbians. She said all women feel closely bonded with other women-need to have those bonds-and they can still be married and have those longings fulfilled with intimate friendships.

Anyway, lately I've really let myself check out women. I have to say, I like the way a woman moves her body. It's sensuous and mysterious in some ways. I like their backs and waists and well, other things. But when I'm looking, there's this voice that says it's unnatural to do this. Is that my inner homophobia? I do think men are attractive also, but I'm not fascinated with the way they move-it doesn't make me stare. This is new for me, because I never consciously checked women out before. I think I just turned it off for self-survival. I also doubt I would want to find someone based solely on those kinds of attractions. I know for me, my heart needs to connect with that person in a very deep way for me to feel the intimacy I'm referring to.

So, what was my original question? Yikes, there are a lot of questions here. Shoot away, I'm so interested in what you all think.

Hugs,

Passion

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Registered: 03-25-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 7:15pm

Yep, passion, for me, it's everything you said. SB and I were having this very discussion about 2 weeks ago. I started just letting myself go. Watching the way women walk, carry themselves, all the stuff you described and more! lol Don't get me started........ **weg**
I don't have any voice telling me it's unnatural. I have the inner voice telling me to be careful, because the mainstream of society won't like what they see and my job and social setup are important to me right now. Next month, not so much. :)

You know, the ancient Greeks didn't have all this sexual hangup. If they found each other attractive, then they would have sex with that person. I am not sure how their society reacted going outside a marriage, but is sounds fascinating. I leaned this in a School and Society class I took last semester.

Good thread to start. I will think on it some more and get back to you.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
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Registered: 04-08-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 7:35pm

Passion,

I don't know if women are more naturally drawn to men, but we are raised to do so. Most people assume that their children are straight. A friend of mine has a 1 year old daughter and she made a comment that she hopes her daughter marries a man who is the same ethinicity. I was quick to remind her not to assume she would marry a man. When I was a kid my Mom never told me a fairy tale about Cinderella finding her princess, it was always the prince. It was assumed I was straight and would marry a man and have children of my own.

I do think most women have close bonds to other women, but that does not mean they are gay. A close loving friendship with another woman does not a lesbian make......:lol: I don't believe that most women would be lesbians if it were not for procreation. Some women have a strong deep desire to be with a man and some have the same desire to be with a woman.

Attraction for me is part heart and part lust. The first part of attraction for me is always someone's personality, intelligence and humor. If that spark is there, the physical attraction becomes very intense for me. I love how a woman feels, the curves and softness of her body. I love the intense emotional and physical connection that I can feel to the right woman.

Shannon

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Registered: 04-23-2006
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 8:25pm

Interesting questions..


First off if indeed its a "heterosexual world" purely for procreation purposes, then why do people who are infertile still want to have sex? Why do

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 8:39pm

Hey Caly. I totally agree with the procreation idea. Sex is supposed to by pleasurable. I didn't agree with this friend-I just had to throw it out there with this discussion. It goes to show you how narrow some peoples' thinking is. \

The reason I said that about women not letting themselves "go there" is because I have read many stories about women coming out later in life who said they were never aware of their attractions when they were younger. They were self-confessed boy-chasers. So while I agree that lesbians are born this way, what accounts for those women who didn't have the attraction earlier? Is it because they just didn't allow their feelings to take them to that place? It's a very complex issue, so I just like to toss it around. I am just trying to remember if I "checked" women out then like I do now.

And I very much agree with the soul and spirit being vital to this issue. That is what makes the ultimate bond. I think some people can more easily have sex for pure pleasure without the spiritual/soul bond.

Thanks for input!

Hugs,

Passion

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Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 1:32am


Hi passion girl, I can agree with Blue, we did have this conversation two weeks ago. I can tell you, and I know this is going to confuse you, but just read this all the same:

I think for me, my attraction to women is a bit of both. I mean when I see a woman and I mean a real flesh and blood woman and not just on tv, I just get like WOW! lol!

I've said to Blue, the best time for me to go babe watching is when I have the time to go downtown, during lunch time and just watch the business women go by in their business suits and skirts and dresses and just flirt. For me, I just love to see a woman, whether she's attractive or not too attractive, just walk by me and we smile at each other.

I've never felt the need to "mate" up with a man, for me that's the most unusual feeling to me.

I think we all have some inner homophobia even some transexualphobia, but it all works out in the end, by accepting ourselves as we are.

I think guys are ok to watch, but they make me laugh at how they walk and strut. Sometimes I think they do it because it's just human nature to walk and strut with your chest out. I've noticed that some woman will actually swing her hips a bit more when she walks with another woman. Ah, the human animal.

Thanks for letting me jabber.

Hugs,

Sebastian

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 3:56am

Hi Passion.. For me attraction is a bit of both.. Physical and Lets say Spirtual... One can or ok lets just go with myself on this.. I can be attracted and... have been.. LOL... to many males and females.. But we'll go with the females


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 9:32am

Hi Sebastian. Thanks for your input. I think many of us don't want to admit we have that internalized homophobia or transexualphobia. But let's face it, we live in the world we live in. Take a look at everything we're bombarded with on a daily basis and tell me it's okay to be who I am. Just reading the cover of any womens' magazine while standing in line at the grocery store is enough to send any woman to therapy. Next time you get a chance, read the covers and just think about the implied message in most of them. We should be focusing all our attention on getting or keeping a man, being thin or rich and keeping the homefront calm and serene. Very little on how to listen to your gut, take control of your life for YOU, how to put yourself first.

So, there's my rant. Anyway, I am going to now just enjoy watching women and let it be what it is. Life is very short and we need as much pleasure as possible!

Hugs,

Passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 9:44am

Hi Cat. I agree with the old tapes in your head, the programming. I'm really starting to see how strong that programming is and how we have to allow our hearts and bodies tell us what we are feeling, and not so much our heads. And as I unravel my symbiotic relationship with my mother, I realize how powerful her message was to not trust my feelings. The message from her, as I'm sure she also received from her family, was to quell your passion, don't think or feel for yourself, but constantly be aware of what is happening on the outside of your world, not your inner world. This started at a very young age for me.

I appreciate what your'e saying about it being a choice. I actually to some extent agree with both views. I see some men who are attractive, but their bodies do not have the pull on me that womens' bodies do. Really, we could all be considered bisexual, as we all the same equipment and are able to "mate" with anyone. However, I do feel the pull to one gender or the other is so powerful. It's like you said, it all connects for you with a woman.

And finally, I completely agree with taking sex out of the equation. The only reason I hate the labels is that people are automatically in your bedroom when you say you're gay or lesbian. If someone just assumes you're straight, they aren't obsessing over what you're doing alone with your mate. They see the multi-dimensional person. Of course, many people are much more evolved than that, and hopefully more openly gay and lesbian people will help teach tolerance to the rest of them!

Hugs,

Passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 9:50am

Hi Shannon. That is what I mean. Every message in this world tells women we are supposed to be drawn to men. We're programmed. And I think it depends on the messages you were sent from an early age as whether or not you should trust your inner voices. My mother always sent the message to not feel what you're feeling. I'm sure she was taught the same. If you are raised to trust yourself, I think it's much easier to go in the direction your heart takes you. I have always questioned so much of what I feel, based on what I thought I "should" do according to the outside world, not my inner world.

And of course, there is no "Cinderella" story for a woman finding her princess or a man finding his prince. Could it be the next Disney animated feature? I think we should pitch it.

Hugs,

Passion

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Registered: 11-16-2005
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 10:33am

Those are lots of great questions, passion. I still haven't had enough coffee yet to be able to address them all, but I can relate my own experience and feelings. In many ways I think personal

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