What does it mean to be "attracted"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
What does it mean to be "attracted"
24
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 6:50pm

So, that's a loaded question. I had this fascinating discussion with my friend this weekend, and then another good one with my therapist. My friend doesn't like the labels, thinks they're silly. Of course, she's hetersexual, never doubted it for minute. She says the reason this is a heterosexist world is because of procreation. She doesn't think she's homophobic at all. Ha!

Anyway, I got to talking to my therapist today. I asked her what does it mean to be attracted to someone-are we lead by our hearts or our genitals? Now, please go along with me here-I'm going somewhere. I know in my past, I never really "checked" women out. But I fell in love with a woman, and went on to have two brief physical relationships with women in my late teens/early twenties. But I never went around looking for them. My heart found them.

Do you think we woman are conditioned to ONLY look at men. Somehow we are "required" to mate up with a man. Of course, many or most women do tend towards that direction, so that's okay if they do. But I know that my heart has always found women, even if they were just close friends. My only strong, spiritual bond with a man has been with one of my brothers. But I feel much more intimacy with women. Are we women so conditioned not to trust our feelings that we just don't allow ourselves to go there? Is that why for some of us it takes until we're older-maybe stronger-to explore and acknowledge these feelings?

My friend said if it weren't for procreation we would all be lesbians. She said all women feel closely bonded with other women-need to have those bonds-and they can still be married and have those longings fulfilled with intimate friendships.

Anyway, lately I've really let myself check out women. I have to say, I like the way a woman moves her body. It's sensuous and mysterious in some ways. I like their backs and waists and well, other things. But when I'm looking, there's this voice that says it's unnatural to do this. Is that my inner homophobia? I do think men are attractive also, but I'm not fascinated with the way they move-it doesn't make me stare. This is new for me, because I never consciously checked women out before. I think I just turned it off for self-survival. I also doubt I would want to find someone based solely on those kinds of attractions. I know for me, my heart needs to connect with that person in a very deep way for me to feel the intimacy I'm referring to.

So, what was my original question? Yikes, there are a lot of questions here. Shoot away, I'm so interested in what you all think.

Hugs,

Passion

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 9:26pm

It's always the kickboxing instructor! That's who did it to me. She "woke me up". For me it was an obsession for awhile-and then one day I had the wind knocked out of me when I walked into the gym and everything started spinning. I was in love with her. And it immediately took me back to those experiences when I was younger. Even though I have been married and loved my husband, nothing compared to the feelings I had for this woman or the first person I ever fell in love with-another woman.

So, my journey has been arduous and crazy. I can tell you the minute I knew how I felt about her I knew I couldn't stay married. It was an epiphany. It took me a few months to say I was a lesbian-it happened in therapy. The difference with my relationship with this woman is that she was the pursurer. She started it. But what's happpened with us now is that I want to change my life to give myself a chance to have another woman in my life. For her, I think she's very conflicted and most likely could never make the changes I'm making. I'll never say never, but right now this is about me.

I would caution you in pursuing a friendship with her unless you are ready for the fallout. You could get over your feelings for her, or you could go on to feel much more and then your whole world could change. I can tell you while this has been incredibly painful, I wouldn't go back for anything. I remember now the passionate feelings I had for women and it's such a gift to know myself now. This may not be the case for you. But I worry when you say "I thought I got it all out of my system". I can tell you-if you have attractions to women-I'm not sure that's possible to "get it out of your system". I understand the thinking that you pretty much plan to stay married, but don't deny yourself the chance to find out what the attraction means.

Don't brush it off as "endorphine highs". When I fell in love with women earlier in my life I was playing a lot of sports. It doesn't surprise me now that this woman who triggered this is involved in exercise. I think I'm in touch with my body again. Also, I look back over the past few years and realize most of my sexual fantasies involved women in order for me to be intimate with my husband. I also used to lay in bed and feel this desire to have someone spoon me who had breasts. I also sometimes wished my dh would have an affair. Lots of messages coming up over the years that just mean so much now.

Sorry this became so long. I feel you're searching and that's good. Look at all angles and be true to all your feelings, whatever it turns out to be. Keep coming back and asking questions and email me if you want.

Hugs,

Passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 10:14pm

Hi Passion,
Thank you for your reply. I'm still trying to figure out how this message board and e-mail work.

I thought the first part was very funny and I bet I'm not the only one in the class who keeps going just to check her out but I would never know because noone ever talks about it.. So it is such a releif to have found someone who understands what I'm going through. I think that is awesome that you have the courage to become who you really are. In the long run you will be happier. For me right now I have my children and the fact that I love my husband to keep in mind. This attaraction wasn't somthing I went looking for but once I realised it there was no stopping it. I thought the friendship would be long over after I said somthing to her but she still seems to be talking to me and in fact brought her son over for a play date today. So I'm not sure if she just wants to be friends (which is all that could ever really be anyway) or if she is the tiniest bit intrested. How will I know? I never considered the fallout.
Sorry for the disorganised post and spekking mistakes I'm just having trouble getting it all out. Talking is so much easier.

Thanks so much for your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 12:27am

Hey, today. Ditto what Passion said. We are muddling through this at almost the same speed on slightly different tracks. Hang in there.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 7:25am

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