I'm moving out
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| Thu, 07-19-2007 - 12:01am |
Hi everyone. So, I went apartment hunting today. Things at my house have deteriorated so much that it just isn't healthy anymore. I realize now how emotionally inmature my husband is. He's a good man, but really has no way to process this whole thing and refuses therapy. The mood here is awful.
I found a place. The price of living here is so high, but what can I do? I found a small place and we are going to have the kids a week at a time. It's kind of a transition right now. I can't stay in an apartment forever. But there's no way I can get a home right now either. Babysteps. I also have a parttime job homeschooling an emotionally disturbed boy for a couple hours a day. So I have income to supplement what my h will give me.
I know it's right, so how come I feel so yucky? I know-it's yucky. It really seems like a dream most of the time. But it has to happen. Sometimes I feel numb. So much of the excitement I felt when I realized who I really was is gone. Will it ever come back? Last night I just walked through the evening like I was sleep walking.
I know many of you have been through this. And it helps to know you've survived. Now I have to tell people, and I can't even fathom that. I won't tell them about me, just about the separation.
Well, I'm rambling now. I'm so tired and tired and tired. Thanks everyone.
Hugs,
Passion

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Awwww Passion, big hugs for you! It does get easier. In the begining there is so much going on that it's all just jumbled together. I left my marriage a little over 3 years ago, to be with my partner. We didn't have kids ( thank God for infertility! ) but it was still messy and going through that period of time was not all sunshine and roses. But, after the first few weeks things did get easier, and 9 months later when my divorce was final things got MUCH better!
Take care of yourself and keep your chin up. Things will look up,
Shannon
I wish you wouldn't have to feel so alone. I know we are so far away. But we are here the best we can be.
You will find joy again I promise, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.
Many hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Hi Shannon. I know right now it will be very messy. I can't even imagine setting up a whole other household. But I will be doing it. Having kids does make it that much more difficult. I know I can't protect them from everything, but it's hard to not feel like I'm doing the damage right now.
I'm trying to stay focused on the prize at the end. Peace. Anything else would be icing on the cake!
Thanks for the support. I feel like this is my real community now. I don't really fit anywhere else at the moment!
Hugs,
Passion
Hi Laurie. Well it won't be two years. I told him no. I know myself too well. I'm way too passionate to stay in this situation and not stay civil. I signed the lease today, so it's a done deal. He's just worried about being a single dad. I can't blame him for being worried. However, if I didn't make the move now, he would never really try and stand on his own two feet while I'm around to make things smooth.
It's funny. While in the midst of my marriage I was just plugging along, keeping my head above water. Now that I really think about it, we were not very good co-parents. I really think we will both be better parents apart. Maybe I'm trying to make myself feel better, but I'm sure this will be the case. I think some people work so much better together as parents, keeping the flow going. We never did. He will really have to step up now.
I have no family here. In some ways, it may be better. They will really have a hard time with this news-just the marriage part. I'm not sure how to tell them everything, or when. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
The other really hard news is that my best friend-who has been so wonderful through this whole thing-just told me she and her husband will be moving to Chicago in the very near future. I'm so happy for them, as they need the change. But gosh-she's my emotional rock. I think my changes have given them inspiration to change. But I really can't imagine not having her here to lean on. I'm really going to have to find more strength than I ever imagined.
I know I'll find joy-I can't imagine going through all this and not finding it. Actually, just the faces of my kids bring me joy everyday. I have to focus on that right now.
Thanks so much for your wonderful support. You all have been a great community to keep me going.
Hugs,
Passion
I am sorry that your BF is moving away.
How far from you will she be? What state do you live in?
I think you are right about your dh having to stand up and be a parent now.
I understand the passionate person thing and needing to be out of that situation. I am that way too.
Your kids can feel that too. When things are not happy in the home I mean, kids do pick up on that.
You are doing the right thing I believe.
I hope your parents will take the seperation as well as can be expected. Maybe wait on the rest of the news until later.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Hi Passion,
This is a hard time for you and I know you feel yucky. You took a big step and it may not seem like it now but down the road, you'll look back and realize it was the best thing that happened. You deserve to treat yourself well and pamper yourself through these hard times. Go out and buy bubble bath, candles, wine, books, coffee, chocolate, whatever makes you happy inside and puts you at peace!!!! Listen to mellow music or do yoga - whatever might make you feel better. Just take it one day at a time! You have the strength to make it through all the good and bad. We're here for you and you aren't alone!
Hugs,
Blue
Laurie-that was the "congratulations" was the best thing you could say to me. It made me think of this as a good thing-not just a downer. I'm excited about the move, although I'm grieving also.
I'm in California. The good thing about my bf moving to Chicago is that I'm originally from Illinois and most of my family is there. So I'm there a lot. She and I are so close that distance won't hurt completely. However, with all that's happening, it would be nice to have her around.
My kids will be upset, but I know for sure they feel all the tension. We haven't lived as a family for quite a while and I think there will be some relief.
Sooner or later it will all fall into place after some hard work.
Thanks again for the encouragement.
Hugs,
Passion
Hi bwcblue. I had some moments earlier when I felt so good about what I've done. I know during these really tough times it can be hard to see good times ahead. I just need to let myself feel it all, or later it may hit me harder.
I'm trying to be gentle on myself. I do plan to pamper myself even more when I get to my new place. I'm looking forward to making into a place I will feel free to heal from all this upheaval. How'd you know I love chocolate, bubble bath, wine, coffee music and books? They are added to my shopping list!
Thanks again. I will keep coming here to feel welcome and supported.
Hugs,
Passion
You have probably said Passion, but how old are your kids and how many do you have? Do you mind sharing? I am amazed at your courage by the way.
Hugs
Roxy
Hi Roxy. I have one ds-10, and two dd ages 6 and 2. The dds will be 7 and 3 in Sept.
You're really sweet about the courage thing. I look at courage like this-I'm still pretty scared-but I'm doing it anyway. I try and tell my ds those words a lot, as he's not a risk taker. I don't know anyone who doesn't have fear. But I'm trying not to let it stop me from moving forward. Not always easy!
Hugs,
Passion
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