I'm moving out
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| Thu, 07-19-2007 - 12:01am |
Hi everyone. So, I went apartment hunting today. Things at my house have deteriorated so much that it just isn't healthy anymore. I realize now how emotionally inmature my husband is. He's a good man, but really has no way to process this whole thing and refuses therapy. The mood here is awful.
I found a place. The price of living here is so high, but what can I do? I found a small place and we are going to have the kids a week at a time. It's kind of a transition right now. I can't stay in an apartment forever. But there's no way I can get a home right now either. Babysteps. I also have a parttime job homeschooling an emotionally disturbed boy for a couple hours a day. So I have income to supplement what my h will give me.
I know it's right, so how come I feel so yucky? I know-it's yucky. It really seems like a dream most of the time. But it has to happen. Sometimes I feel numb. So much of the excitement I felt when I realized who I really was is gone. Will it ever come back? Last night I just walked through the evening like I was sleep walking.
I know many of you have been through this. And it helps to know you've survived. Now I have to tell people, and I can't even fathom that. I won't tell them about me, just about the separation.
Well, I'm rambling now. I'm so tired and tired and tired. Thanks everyone.
Hugs,
Passion

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Congratulations, Passion!! I know the first steps can be incredibly difficult, we feel so tied by obligations to others, and an identity that no longer fits.
But you're a brave, brave woman. I'm so proud when I see other women who realize THEIR happiness is important too!!
I think the yuckiness is par for the course, just natural grieving and worry. Those things will fade as one step leads to another and you discover you CAN do this and experience all the lovely new options your life will present.
I hear you, Passion “I look at courage like this-I'm still pretty scared-but I'm doing it anyway."...I am having to do that as I build my own business. Plenty of times I feel afraid but I just plow right through...and "do it anyway". If I had a shy side, I had to let it go by the wayside and press on.
I think if I was not focusing on that part, I’d be so consumed by this journey...I call my business my baby..because for me being an entrepreneur is like creating a "baby" in the sense that it is highly creative. To build something out of nothing.
Anyway, I wake up thinking about it when I don’t wake up thinking about K...*sigh*
Wow, your kids are little...yet adorable ages! Yes, that does take BIG courage in my book.
Hugs
Roxy
Wow Passion!
I want to add my congratulations.
((((((Passion))))))
Sounds like you're slowly making your way through this. It will be painful at times, but you will make it through. Big hugs
Hi Nony. Obligations-yes those are heavy. It's become so clouded now. I'm trying to trust that the wonderful moments will return in time. I do think it's so hard for women to claim their own happiness. We are trained to be for everyone else.
I know if I hadn't been posting here with you all I probably wouldn't have gotten this far. I truly thank you. I will keep you updated
Hugs,
Passion
Hi Roxy. Good for you on the business. I think about that option a lot too. It's nice to be self-employed. No one to answer to so to speak.
I'm shaking in my boots Roxy-really. Can't quite comprehend sometimes what's happening-only know I must keep moving. There's no turning back now!
Thanks for your thoughts.
Hugs,
Passion
Hey Caly. Thanks so much. It did take a lot of courage to walk into that leasing office. I wanted to run out-but was propelled in at the same time. I really thought long and hard about staying in the house, as we were trying to be civil. But "trying" was the word and it wasn't working. Our kids are a mess as they know it's not good. So this is the best choice all around.
I keep thinking I will be so peaceful that first night also. But then I feel guilty about that thought-because of all I'm leaving behind. But hopefully I can push the guilt aside.
I will be coming back here a lot to keep in touch in the coming days, as all your support has been awesome
Welcome back from vacation. I hope it was great.
Hugs,
Passion
Thanks Ting. It does feel like a snail's pace at times, and other times I think "wow-am I in a hurry?" But really, life's so darn short. I'm ready to keep moving. Hopefully I'll feel peaceful again soon
Hugs,
Passion
Welcome back!
Ting
I don't want any pain. It has been painful enough living like I have. Can't it just all go away?
Hugs
Blue
((((((((fgpBlue))))))))
I wish I or someone else could make it all go away. Once you get past the initial discussion and over that hump, I think you will find that it will not be as bad as you think. One piece of advice I have, do your best to put up a wall between you and your emotions. It seems cold, but really, one way to survive this is to fight the emotions in the beginning so you can do what you have to do to move on with the practical stuff (getting the divorce underway, etc.). But, don't push those emotions aside forever...they have to come out and be dealt with at some point. Others may not totally agree with this approach, but it worked for me. I knew I had to be strong and stoic or I would not have made it through the initial come to Jesus discussions with XH.
Big hugs
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