Whaa! I am beginning to miss her

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Whaa! I am beginning to miss her
12
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 7:45pm

Whaaaa! I was doing so well. Telling myself...it is all okay. Phluttt! I guess i need to suck it up. Be strong. Blah blah blah!!! Yada yada yada...

Phew... i just needed to vent.

I miss her...even as a "friend"...

Roxy-blue.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 8:44pm

Yep, I got ya. Sometimes it just creeps in, but ya gotta push it out.

Good to vent, though. Be strong.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 9:01pm

Okay...pulling myself up by my bookstraps...

Time makes everything better... what ever "everything" is. Well that is what I am telling myself tonight. It is waaaaay better this go around of "no contact". Big difference.

Maybe because I more than half way expected it so it was no big surprise.

Okay all better..gonna make myself work for about an hour and a half...then bedtime for this female gay person girlie. *wink*

Thanks Blue...How is it going with you? Good as i have been reading here lately..i hope.

Hugs
Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 9:09pm
((((((((((Hugs Roxy)))))))))


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 9:14pm

Thanks Cat! You are always so sweet.

Hey i finally figure out how to add the little icon next to my handle. I thought i could link to my website...but i guess that means my village page? Oh I will figure it out.

Hugs
Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 9:49pm
I am sure you will figure it out......Me?... I am still learning ....and at times can't remember how I did something...

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 10:00pm

You know, Roxy, things have been going great. I am kind of feeling the awful tug of next month, though, from time to time and I have to say for all my bravado here and the immense fun that I have been experiencing, I am freakin' scared......

I have a hugely safe life here. We are well established in our community, respected, I'm at the top of my job and my game, we have all the material things anybody could want. The people that I have told would probably take my secret with them to their death---well, not that far, but close enough. I could do gay in the summer and go back to the old Blue in the fall. I know that is not fair to anybody, though. I haven't knowingly hurt anybody, yet, but I'm gonnna rip this family apart in about 3 weeks. And for what...to be me??? I am so friggin' gay, it's like being left handed(I'm that, too) It's just different from all you right handers. On the one hand, it's so smooth and comfortable and on the other hand I don't know if I can take the crap that is coming. I am really good at being in the closet.

Sorry, hon, the fear has me gripped tonight. Tomorrow, round 7. :( :) :)

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 10:54pm

Oh Blue!!! I just want to make you feel a little better (((BLUE))). I really, really appreciate how candid you are. Truly.

Okay, let me say this. You are a female gay person. I know it. You know it (i am one too).

SO then there is your life as it stands right now. You said, "I could do gay in the summer and go back to the old Blue in the fall. I know that is not fair to anybody, though."

Forget about it being unfair for a sec. Why is that so horrible (the closet, i mean)? Is it? I really have no moral issue about staying in the closet. I think if you are like me and figured this out later after a family has been put together...it is okay to consider all of these things.

I am not for *everyone must come out of the closet* ...i dont even think that staying there is UNFAIR. If you have support, sweets, if it works, I would give it some thought.

I am all for kindness. I tell you. I have a May-December marriage. He is 22 years older. I feel a sense of wanting to be good for him. I guess the good side of obligation. You know? I wrestle with that all the time.

He has given me the okay to find girl love. I just am being as careful as I can too. I am out...but I am also married. And I dont want to divorce someone (him) and leave alone at his age, i know he wont seek anyone else..i know his heart. Outside of me and his aging mom who is in her 90s...he would have NO ONE. No sibblings. His kid died at the age of 18 in an accident. (that was before me).

I see myself becoming the main provider financially too (age difference-remember). I dont want to be unkind. I am hoping somehow it will work out. I am hoping to grow the business to maybe maintain two households if I have to (yes, i am femme--but I seem to have the butch provider in me..ha ha..).

Can you go a little slower with the outing yourself? Or just think about that for a few days. Let yourself have permission. People deal with being a married "female gay person" in so many ways. No way (IMHO) right or wrong. ANd with time it can change.

I, myself, dont know what I will do...but i want to be KIND above all. Maybe that means watching over him as his life unwinds. I tell you he is my family. He represents that to me in a BIG way. This is an understatement, btw.

Okay NOW i am rambling...REST tonight sweet Blue. Let yourself be open to a good solution. I understand the fear. I understand not wanting to hurt people.

Email me if you need to. I will be going to bed...for now. I will be thinking about you and saying a prayer.

Hugs,
Roxy

PS--- my original plan, btw, before I outed myself to him, was to not tell him and not act out (not repress it)...but not act out. God, BLUE, it was so painful because I had NO SUPPORT, no one to talk to. Just know you have us...okay. You have us.

PPS---sleepy, sorry if too many typos here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 10:46am

>>And for what...to be me??? <<


Blue my sweet friend,

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 12:46pm

Thank, Caly. I really know what I want in my heart, but I just get so scared sometimes. I have had those "frozen moments" and they are painful. The last one was when I told M that I loved her. It was excruciating and draining. It's going to happen again.

Also, it looks like it takes forever to get out of a marriage. I have not looked at the laws in this state, but I don't know if we can maintain separate homes, plus the one in Florida for one or two years, plus put our son through college. It's all so up in the air for me!

Thanks

Hugs

Sue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 1:48pm

I would check on the laws in your state to start.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

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