Me again.....
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| Tue, 07-24-2007 - 10:13am |
Hey all....I've been one busy woman in the past month, so I haven't been checking in like I should. And now I'm here again to seek some advice/support.
So, my daughter, who will be 9 in September, was in Seattle for a month visiting her aunt. She had a great time and came back on the 19th. When she got back she opted to stay at her dad's, which I thought was just going to be for the weekend. But then she decided to stay there through the week as well. Mind you, I've now seen her once since she's been back, AND she is moving in with her dad this year for the entire school year, so I won't see her near as often anyhow. Well, sensing that something was up, I asked her dad why she didn't seem as though she wanted to see/stay with me. He told me it's because of my relationship with my gf. So, I talked to my daughter on the phone and let her bring it up, which she eventually did. It was a tough convo. She told me that she wants me to break up with my gf, that "It's wrong, wrong, wrong!" That people don't like me because I'm with a girl, that she isn't allowed to be with me be with me because of my gf. So, after all that was said, I told her that I'm very glad that she's talking to me about how she feels, and reassured her that I will never be upset or angry with her because of her feelings. I reiterated that I always want her to be able to open up and talk to me, no matter what. I then asked a few questions. I asked if she didn't like my gf, like was there a reason she disliked her, or if she wanted me to break up with her solely because it's a woman. She said it's because it's a woman, and repeated the "It's wrong!" I also explained to her that yes, there are people that feel it is wrong, so I understand that, but that there are people within our lives that do not think this way. I then explained that while she was in Seattle my dad and brother and grandparents and aunt and uncle all met my gf and liked her and are very happy for us. She was obviously very frustrated by the entirety of the conversation, so I told her that someday this week I would pick her up for a few hours so we could talk about it in person. I told her sometimes it's just hard to get serious convo's done over the phone. She agreed to this and so we're shooting for Thursday.
Since all of this occured, there is such a huge sadness that is just lingering over me. I feel so very guilty because it's obviously affecting my daughter negatively, which also makes me feel so very selfish. I feel like in being true to myself I am pushing my own child away. I want to believe that this is temporary and that it's all part of her going through stages of acceptance.....but then again I don't know. Before she left for Seattle, she was okay with things. She even told me, I still like gf. She just wanted to make sure none of her friends would know. Other than that she was okay with it. I feel like she's either talked to other adults about this or has overheard conversations that adults in her life have ahd about me. I'm feeling so isolated and alone right now. I don't know many other GLB people in my community that have children, or have had to experience this. My heart is just so sick and I'm so confused. I'm staying true to myself, but I feel like it's costing me so much right now.
Annz

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Hi.
In being true to yourself you are showing her that it is important to be true to herself as well.
There are many kids who do not like the one parents new spouse etc. in a divorce either, but the parents move on.
Kids will adapt. I think you should have a good long talk with her on thursday and explain that you could use her support and that you know not everyone is accepting of your lifestyle. Let her know that you are always her mom and will always love her and hope that she won't b e judgemental about people like others can be.
I think she will do some thinking after the talk and take some time on her own to figure out how she feels about it then.
I am sure she loves you very much and wants everyone to like you. Maybe that is part of the problem.
Maybe she doesn't know how to express that it hurts her to know that there are some people out there who won't like you for who you are. Ask her to try to not be one of those people.
I hope thursday goes well.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Laurie,
Thanks....and you are so right. I think much of this is about her understanding that some people don't like me because of my orientation. And I also did mention to her that since her dad and I divorced he's always had a SO and that he's even remarried now, but that it seems she never wants me to be in a relationship. Her responce was that I always pick the wrong people! Nice..... But, yeah, I'm going to let her talk on Thursday and hopefully with it just being us two, she'll feel better about letting some of the feeligns she has out. I will talk about tolerance and accepting things that are different. I just feel bad because she's being pulled in an opposite direction by two other very influential people in her life, her father and her grandmother (my mom!). It's got to be a lot to carry at that age, trying to please everyone, which I know she does. And, I just talked to her dad this morning, he does not want our daughter to be around my gf at all!! He in fact put DD in the middle by telling her to let him know if I bring her around my gf. I am pissed about that. Anywho....thank you so much for your reply. It helps to know that I'm not some crazy lesbian that is off my rocker!
Annz
Gosh Annz-I could have written your post. Staying true to yourself and watching your loved ones suffer and react. It's sooooo hard. I'm so proud of you for all the steps you have taken to get to where you are. So it should feel good, but it doesn't because your daughter is suffering.
There's no easy answer to this one. All I can say is, if you pulled back from your relationship with your gf, what message would that send? It would confirm that being with a woman is "wrong". I think the best thing you can do is what you are doing-keeping the lines of communication open.
I think what we are going through is so unique. Being with another woman because you want to be is selfish in a way. But in the most profound, life-affirming way. You are standing up and saying that you are gay-and you are not going to let the world tell you that the emotional, spiritual, sexual desires and needs that you have are something you will not deny yourself. That's a real woman. And being true to that will teach your daughter the most invaluable lesson as she grows. It doesn't seem that way now.
I truly understand sweetie. I'm about to rip my own family apart and I'm trying to see ahead to the good in all this. Stay true. Seek more counseling. And do be wary of how adults speak in front of your daughter. You can't control it. But you can tell people ahead of time if you know that she will spend a lot of time with them. Ask them to be extra careful!
Hang in there. Hug her tight and love yourself.
Hugs,
Passion
No you are not some crazy lesbian. I can't believe he won't let her be around your gf. Is there any way to resolve that?
Or is there just no talking to him. I mean what if you did not want her to be around his wife for some reason? He would think thazt would be rediculous.
People need to get thier heads on right. Some people geeze! I hope things get better for you soon.
Keep us posted on your talk with DD please. I would be interested to hear how it goes.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Passion,
Well, I'm happy but also sad that someone else is going through all this crap too! You know, my gut reaction is to pull away from my gf and just live single knowing that would be the way to keep the peace. But, then I think exactly what you said, doing that would just confirm to her that it is wrong, and I don't believe that it is. So, I'll keep going. I just wish I could flash forward and make sure it all ends up alright. I'm afraid that later on she's going to hate me for being so selfish. I know that regardless of how wrong anyone sees this, it is what is right for me and denying it just doesn't work. I also didn't want to keep it a secret because again, that just makes it seem like some secretive awful thing you don't let others know. I'm hoping that in time her dad and my mom, my main two opponents, will see that altho this is not their "norm", that it's not some awful thing. I'm also hoping that DD will understand that altho this seems so abnormal, it's really just about two people loving each other and supporting each other through life. Time will tell.....
Thanks for the support!
I will keep you all posted and let you know how Thursday goes!
Hugs right back,
Annz
I'm sorry this is happening, Annz. I know how much you love your DD and how much she loves you. The words she's saying must be hurtful, but know that she doesn't mean to hurt you. She just doesn't really know what to do with her feelings. She's getting conflicting information.
Have you talked with your mom about how she talks to your DD? Is it possible for you to limit the amount of time your DD spends with her? My XH was very good after we divorced about forbidding his mother to talk about me and Caly to my DDs. She did
Annz,
I'm sorry you're going through this with your daughter. Be strong. Remember, she's only 9 right now. She is still learning and unfortunately she is learning from negative people around her right now. The whole situation sound hard but there's still love between you and your daughter. She did not closed the door to you. Don't give up on the happiness in your life. Because of her age, I'm confident she will come around to being happy for you, no matter who you choose to love. Her statement just sound like old school we're all been through it. Embrase the sadness for now, it's part of the journey. Let it go and show her you're living a happy life. Good Luck!
Annz,
Since your initial conversation with her went so well from what you said, and since you know there are family member who are very negative about your lifestyle it is quite obvious she is being told things she shouldnt be and now feels stuck in the middle.
This line you wrote really bothers me though.." that she isn't allowed to be with me be with me because of my gf."
Hello Annz. I can only imagine what you are going thru. I have a feeling I may be in your shoes in a short time as well. My h has certain relatives that will definitely not be open to me coming out. I keep reminding myself of why I am doing this. I don't have a gf. I am doing this for both myself and indirectly what I am teaching my dd. I want her to be open minded, non-discrimating, intelligent, independent and a strong young woman. If i stay with h i feel like i will be buckling yet again under the pressures of everyone around me. i don't want her to be like that. there is the old saying that we turn into our mothers. AHH! i love my mom but i don't believe she trusts her own strength. i don't want that for my dd. People will discriminate on any issue you like. i'm hispanic (white father) many of my friends are caucasian. i was asked to leave someone's house because of my ethnicity. If people don't want to like you they will find a reason. it is better to know who your true friends are before you need to count on them. Your dd is in a very difficult phase. According to some therapists (saw this on tv) they say pre-adolescence is typically the most difficult age for a child in a divorce situation. Keep in touch with her as much as possible. I have to believe that she will come around to talk to you and spend more time with you. it certainly sounds like she doesn't want to stop having you in her life. if she was so completely angry with you she wouldn't have broached the subject of your gf with you. what does h expect? does he think that you'll never have someone in your life? If he does then he should expect the same in his life.
GnS
I hope your coming out goes as smoothe as is possible!
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
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