Me again.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Me again.....
14
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 10:13am

Hey all....I've been one busy woman in the past month, so I haven't been checking in like I should. And now I'm here again to seek some advice/support.

So, my daughter, who will be 9 in September, was in Seattle for a month visiting her aunt. She had a great time and came back on the 19th. When she got back she opted to stay at her dad's, which I thought was just going to be for the weekend. But then she decided to stay there through the week as well. Mind you, I've now seen her once since she's been back, AND she is moving in with her dad this year for the entire school year, so I won't see her near as often anyhow. Well, sensing that something was up, I asked her dad why she didn't seem as though she wanted to see/stay with me. He told me it's because of my relationship with my gf. So, I talked to my daughter on the phone and let her bring it up, which she eventually did. It was a tough convo. She told me that she wants me to break up with my gf, that "It's wrong, wrong, wrong!" That people don't like me because I'm with a girl, that she isn't allowed to be with me be with me because of my gf. So, after all that was said, I told her that I'm very glad that she's talking to me about how she feels, and reassured her that I will never be upset or angry with her because of her feelings. I reiterated that I always want her to be able to open up and talk to me, no matter what. I then asked a few questions. I asked if she didn't like my gf, like was there a reason she disliked her, or if she wanted me to break up with her solely because it's a woman. She said it's because it's a woman, and repeated the "It's wrong!" I also explained to her that yes, there are people that feel it is wrong, so I understand that, but that there are people within our lives that do not think this way. I then explained that while she was in Seattle my dad and brother and grandparents and aunt and uncle all met my gf and liked her and are very happy for us. She was obviously very frustrated by the entirety of the conversation, so I told her that someday this week I would pick her up for a few hours so we could talk about it in person. I told her sometimes it's just hard to get serious convo's done over the phone. She agreed to this and so we're shooting for Thursday.

Since all of this occured, there is such a huge sadness that is just lingering over me. I feel so very guilty because it's obviously affecting my daughter negatively, which also makes me feel so very selfish. I feel like in being true to myself I am pushing my own child away. I want to believe that this is temporary and that it's all part of her going through stages of acceptance.....but then again I don't know. Before she left for Seattle, she was okay with things. She even told me, I still like gf. She just wanted to make sure none of her friends would know. Other than that she was okay with it. I feel like she's either talked to other adults about this or has overheard conversations that adults in her life have ahd about me. I'm feeling so isolated and alone right now. I don't know many other GLB people in my community that have children, or have had to experience this. My heart is just so sick and I'm so confused. I'm staying true to myself, but I feel like it's costing me so much right now.

Annz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 12:24am

((((((Hugs Annz))))) I can truely feel your feelings on this.. My son's


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 5:19pm

Wow Caly, that was good.

FgpBlue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 5:27pm

Hey, Annz. Sorry I haven't posted sooner. I have been somewhat out of the loop. This is really tough. A bad situation for you and your gf. I do agree with Caly, that if the custody agreement says that she is to be with you, your xh cannot ban you. It would be great if you, your gf, and your dd can so some things together. THAT doesn't always work, either. I do not envy you what has happened, but I know that you are strong enough to get through to wherever it takes you. Women always sacifice all the time. It has become to group culture ingrained. I think that you can do what you have to do and have a little life(or a big life)of your own. It's tooooo darned short.

I am here in suppport and giving you and your gf massive hugs

FgpBlue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 6:35am

Annz, I've scanned the board looking for an update on this. I'm really hoping your talk with your daughter went well.


This is probably one of those things that will take time for your daughter to process. Sounds like before someone filled her head with crap, she may have liked your gf and not found the living situation too unusual to bear. Now, doubt and shame have been introduced and she can't help but react.


I'd be tempted to ask her to explain her statement, 'It's wrong.' Ask, according to whom? Why? You may have to expose some of the gaps in religion that man has filled with bs.. if religion is her basis for calling it wrong. You may need to point out the growing number of other countries that have accepted our relationships, given us equal status, if her reason is more one of social acceptance.


You can give her the facts and let her know you trust her to make the right decisions. Her gma and father's shoving the 'wrongness' down her throat will become annoying and she will explore the arguments you've given her, within her own head.


She'll also be given an example of the better parental love you offer, in that you'll continue to love her EVEN if she thinks opposite you regarding this matter.


A few women never come out, chosing instead to live in denial rather than face societal disapproval. Young people have less experience in standing up for themselves ...AND the oncoming teen years give peer pressure that much more sway over a kids' choices. It's not surprising then, that your daughter has adopted her viewpoint. It's TOUGH to stand against the many.


Keep the faith hon. I believe she WILL come around, in her own good time.


*many hugs* ~ Nony


 

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