Sunday morning coffee thoughts...
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| Sun, 08-05-2007 - 10:26am |
No matter how much I have to do on Sunday I always take time to sit and have a little coffee and get on the 'net and/or watch a little TV, or sit outside and watch the birds. I try to think about things going on in my life sometimes, but other times I'm perfectly content to just enjoy the coffee, the nature in my yard, and to think about nothing in particular.
Today I'm thinking, though, about my friend I originally spoke of on my first visit here. The crush has definitley waned, although I can tell you I still look forward to seeing her at work. I am comfortable with the feelings I have for her, I don't feel uneasy or guilty anymore if my thoughts happen to "go there".
What does this mean for the future for me? I don't know. I have lived on my own for 30+ years, I'm not sure I could be in any relationship where someone lived in the same house as me and shared a bed. I'm not sure anyone would even want me, I am not young and I'm definitely not thin, two things our society seems to revere highly. I do think I'm a valuable person, but as far as romance and a serious relationship, I just don't see it happening for me.
I do realize that I am most definitley drawn to women, though, and I do connect with them more than men. Plus, again there's that whole size thing with men, especially white men. Look at any basic MFW personal ad and it usually starts our like "SWM seeks fit female", "Looking for a SF, no BBWs, please...", and so forth.
Yeah, I know I could lose the weight, and perhaps will, although I've done it so many times before and finally just stopped and accepted that's who I am. I've just had a complete medical workup and I am as healthy as I could be, except for the weight, and my doc says he really can't yell at me about that because all of my tests are so good! That said, weighing less would probably boost my confidence enough to perhaps seek out a companion, and the thought of trying is intriguing to me. It's sort of like: "can I still attract someone, do I have it in me?"
Anyway, I think I'd be able to have a female relationship, but I'm still not sure. And I'm rambling on way too long here. Got some more Sundays and some more coffee to go, I think! :O)

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Hello,
I know you probably don't want my comments but, I thought I'd add on my .02 When I see a woman, I don't see the outside stuff, I look to see what's on the inside. That is if the woman that I'm looking, at isn't going to be rude or ignorant to me.
I've encountered many 'pretty' women in my life, but their 'ugliness' has shone through. When they condencended to give me a minute of their time, I realized after a few dates that they didn't care about me at all, in fact, all they cared about what the money that I had in my pocket.
I'm not a rich guy, monetary-wise, but I'm rich in acceptance, self-acceptance, blah, blah, blah. I can agree with you about one thing, if the next woman that comes into my life and decides that she wants to stay, then she's going to have to accept alot of things about me, if not, then she's not worth me wasting my time with trying to please or to hold on to.
Thanks,
Sebastian
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
Exactly Seb, what is on the inside...? I call it "internal landscape". Everyone is beautiful, but what is inside?
hugs
Roxy
I welcome your comments, Sebastion! Thanks so much for sharing them. I guess one of the good things that comes with getting older is that you decide at some point that you're not gonna put up with other people's BS anymore! :O)
I appreciate your honesty and I wish there were more men out there like you. My friend that I have the crush on is often overlooked by men because she is a little on the chunky side, although she's as cute as can be, and I know it frustrates her because what lies within would be a prize for any man.
Self-acceptance is not a cop-out, as some claim. I think it's just knowing where you are at a certain point in your life and being OK with that, not saying that we can never change because we most assuredly can!
Peace to you!
I think you will find "the perfect body" isn't necessary with most women. I think most women are more understanding and accepting of those of us with less than perfect bodies. But, self confidence is a biggie. You need to love and accept yourself as you are,to know that you are "good enough"......that will shine through to anyone who see's you. As far as youth, well none of us get to stay that way forever! In all honesty, I am more attracted to older women than younger women.......they tend to have their heads on a little straighter. My partner is 10 years older than I am, it's a non issue. If I was single I wouldn't have any problems dating a woman who was much older then me. It's all about the person, not the age.
Shannon
I am glad to hear this about gay women accepting body size, men are much different and most of my straight girlfriends have little or no issues about what size someone is, although there's a few that do have their own personal problems with size. But, those are the people I choose to hang out with.
I am at a place where I am fairly comfortable with myself, but I have days where I am not. I have had a lot of personal, financial and medical issues to deal with in the last 7 years, and those have taken precedence over the weight thing. I am almost back where I was before, and thus I soon will be able to think about other things besides survival, and this is something I will work on.
Thank you so much for your thoughts, Shannon, I really appreciate them. Oh and I agree that us older birds often (not always) have our heads on a little better, life has a way of doing that to you. :O)
Rosebud, if I have not posted it before to you, let me suggest the book "Younger Next Year" by Chris Crowley and Henry S. Lodge, MD. It offers valuable insight for those of us who are at that magical age an in their 40's.
I have pondered this aging, exercise, fitness thing for a long time. I have come to the conclusion that there is not one right way. I tried all kinds of things, weird diets to lose weight, tone up, and become fit. I think we spend so much time, energy, and money trying to find the right thing. AND that's the catch. Finding what is right for each individual body and then being comfortable living that way. I know that you have to work specific muscles if you want to tone and slim down. I have been the weight I am now before in my life, but I have never worn this pant size. The only thing I can attribute that to is core work. Chosing what is best for you now becomse the issue.
I do know this for sure: If you want to lose weight, it's more calories out than what you put in. Period. End of story. I can tell you how the different types of foods that contain calories are used in your body, hence Pritikin, Atkins, South Beaach, etc., but the bottom line is calories in vs. calories out.
Oh, yeah, like somebody else said, It's gotta be ALL about you not FOR anybody else.
Hugs
FgpBlue
You're in my thoughts. I will be checking in on you Bluediamond lady.
:X
Goldnsilver
Thanks for the tip on the book, I'll look it up when I get a chance. You are right about the input/output thing, it really is the key.
I started gaining weight when I was about ten, and was constantly reminded of it by family and friends. Back then there just wasn't the wealth of nutritional knowledge that we have today. It was all about "giving things up", and "will power", etc. Between the ages of 12 and 25, I went on countless starvation diets, and yep the weight came off, only to come back again when I went back to eating normally. Each time I dieted, I subsequently put on more pounds, and finally in my 30's, I just said "enough!", and I stopped.
If only I had ignored all those around me as a teen! I was only about 10 or 20 lbs. over my "ideal" (whatever that is) weight, and I was an athelete, which I believe has helped my overall health to this day. However, I am now well over 100 pounds over the weight I should be, and even though I am active it still tells on me. Simple things like kneeling down and getting back up again are much more difficult at my weight.
It boils down to being ready to do it again, like I did when I quit smoking 15 years ago (I was a REALLY heavy smoker). I spent about 3 months readying myself and then with my doctor's help I threw away my last half pack of cigs and have never picked one up since. They are vile and disgusting things to me now!
When I am ready, and I think it will be soon, I will do it for me and for me alone, and maybe a little bit for my family so I can be there for them as we all get older. Sorry to ramble on so much but it all just sort of spilled out there. :O)
Thanks again for your input!
Thanks, gns. Prayers are certainly accepted if you are in a mind. Positive vibes work also. Sacrifices to the great power might be in order. Somebody out there must have the answer!
Hugs
Blue
Wow, that is amazing about the cigs. My mil, who is a recovering alcoholic says the cigs are much worse that the booze. Well done.
I'm here for you, friend, when you begin the weight journey.
Hugs
Blue
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