Reconnecting
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| Wed, 08-08-2007 - 9:47pm |
Hi everyone. I've been wanting to reconnect with all of you, but have been so overwhelmed. I've been emailing with Blue regularly-thank goodness for that. She and I are heading into this craziness together and it's good to have a friend going through it too.
So many things have happened!
Anyway-I spent my first weekend in the apartment alone. It's so surreal-yet seems fated. I'm getting it ready for the kids to be with me this weekend. I take care of them during the day and dh comes home and stays with them at night. My 6yo dd is having the hardest time. But we hug a lot and I just tell her it's okay to be sad.
Last week the woman who triggered this whole thing asked me to go to the movies! We have barely had a relationship beyond the gym-she's terrified. Anyway-I went and she was so nervous-I could totally feel her checking me out in the dark theater. I haven't had that happen in years! She smelled so good-put perfume on for me! It was such a great high. And then-she just pulled way back and it hurt so much. I really can see now that she's just not ready for this. So, I have to just be grateful for what I've had and what meeting her did for me.
I came out to a good friend who I knew had a lot of gay friends. She introduced me to a great woman who left her marriage 20 years ago and is now partnered. They took me to dinner last weekend when I was alone. They took me to a restaurant that is in the "lavender district" of San Jose. I never knew. They were great. So affirming. And last night when I was crying my eyes out over so many things, they called just at the right time. I'm so relieved to have some gay friends.
Then, I fired my therapist. Really, I have always felt she had an agenda from day one. She felt I should stay married and have affairs. And then she commented on my hair color once and how nice I looked. I started to get creeped out. I really think she was kind of coming on to me. One of the women who took me to dinner told me to listen to that voice. I found another therapist kind of far but she specializes in coming out and even wrote a book "From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life". We'll see how that works.
I'm going to ask my doctor tomorrow for some meds. I'm not sleeping-waking up with pounding heart. It's nuts. How many things can I deal with at once? Divorce, unrequitted love, coming out, therapist issues-oh and did I mention that my best friend is moving to Chicago? She's been my rock. If I make it through this-I will never question my strength again.
Again-I'm so grateful you're all out there reading and caring enough to understand and post. I would never turn back-even with the anxiety attacks, the back aches, the tears, fears, isolation, doubt and general insanity. I'm a FGP and I'm breathing for the first time in my life.
Hugs,
Passion
ps-I told Blue we will all be hugging her tight when she tells the dh.

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Hey Passion,
Welcome back! I'm sorry the woman who triggered all this for you has pulled back. I have that book by the way! I found it very insightful when I first left my marriage. It's all so over whelming at first and to realize that other people have walked that road and come out on the other side ok, well it made it easier for me somehow. Have you been to Lavender Heights in Sacramento? Downtown there are loads of gay owned businesses.....bars, clubs, eateries, bookstores, homestores, etc. You'll recognize it by the bazillion pride flags hanging all over.........:lol:
Good for you for leaving the therapist! Her advice was ridiculous. That was my Mom's advice.......stayed married for the security and get your happiness elsewhere......whatever.
Be sure to take care of yourself right now,you may be riding the high but you will crash. You need to be eating well and sleep needs to be a priority. I found it helpful to journal when I was coming out. I even wrote out my coming out story, I wanted to always remeber everything I was feeling. Lean on your friends as much as you need to.
{{{[[[[[Passion}}}}}}}}
shannon
Hi Shannon. Thanks for your thoughts. It really does help to read other people's stories. I had printed out a lot of coming out later in life stories several months ago and am rereading them now. I know someday I won't have to read so much to keep me going. I have journaled more in the last few months than in my entire life. I can't even believe it. I think that's a great idea to write my coming out story. That's next.
I know I need to sleep and eat well. I really think I need to ask the doctor for something to sleep. I'm exhausted. I spent all day at IKEA yesterday getting stuff for the apt and then putting furniture together. Exercise really helps. But now I'm trying to decide if I can go back to this woman's classes. I need to decide if it's going to hurt too much to see her.
I've never been to Lavender Heights up there. I haven't been to Sacramento in years. I moved to California from Illinois in 93 and I think I took some students up there for something once-few years ago. I need to journey back up there someday.
Thanks for the positive vibes and hugs. Here's hoping I sleep tonight
Hugs,
Passion
I am here for you. I am thinking of you and I support you and Blue and the other's who are going through this.
Somethings just get worse before they get better, but they do get better.
I am glad to hear that you found some gay friends and a gay district in your area. It is always nice to have a place to go.
Congratulations on your first weekend in your apartment! That must have been the toughest time. It should get easier as time goes by.
The woman you went out with sounds a bit scared, but don't give up on her yet. Just take your time and date for awhile.
Hey, I don't blame you for having anxiety attacks right now. You are stepping in to a new territory and that can be very scarey.
Take things easy for now. One day at a time.
Keep hugging those kids and making new friends.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
C >^. A .
Laurie, I've said it before and I mean it. You are the best. I will be checking in over the weekend. Please send good vibes my way. It's pretty terrifying.
Hugs
Blue
You know I am an email away....
Louise :)
I am sending positive vibes your way. Thinking of you and hoping things will go as well as can be expected.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
(((((((((Passion))))))))
I sooo wish I could hug you in real life.
Wow, Passion! Sounds like there could be something in your future with the woman you originally had the crush on. I'm glad you have so many good friends to stand by you but sorry your best friend is moving away. :-(
It's good that your little one is expressing her feelings, as hard as it is for you to watch. I'm sure you're giving her all the comfort and love she needs right now. I think your set up with H is good.
Like others said, I agree that your therapist was not helping. I hope the new one will be a better fit for you. When I was going through my divorce, my pdoc told me that the best thing I could do was to stay in therapy. It was a lifesaver.
Yes, get some meds to curb the anxiety and help you sleep. You need physical as well as mental strength to get through this!
Take care and keep posting updates when you can.
Hi Laurie. thanks. One day at a time is right. You know, I am really torn about this woman. She originally started this whole thing months ago-and I'm grateful. However, there's this tug and pull going on that's maddening. She's so afraid and I feel my energy needs to go into me. She's married with kids also, so it's just so complex. I won't give up completely, but will try and protect myself.
I'm exhausted. Got some meds today for sleep. Also, I'm heading out to our local LGBT center for a Women's Rap and Support group. I'm terrified. But I really feel it's time to take the leap! Wish me luck
Hugs,
Passion
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