Reconnecting
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| Wed, 08-08-2007 - 9:47pm |
Hi everyone. I've been wanting to reconnect with all of you, but have been so overwhelmed. I've been emailing with Blue regularly-thank goodness for that. She and I are heading into this craziness together and it's good to have a friend going through it too.
So many things have happened!
Anyway-I spent my first weekend in the apartment alone. It's so surreal-yet seems fated. I'm getting it ready for the kids to be with me this weekend. I take care of them during the day and dh comes home and stays with them at night. My 6yo dd is having the hardest time. But we hug a lot and I just tell her it's okay to be sad.
Last week the woman who triggered this whole thing asked me to go to the movies! We have barely had a relationship beyond the gym-she's terrified. Anyway-I went and she was so nervous-I could totally feel her checking me out in the dark theater. I haven't had that happen in years! She smelled so good-put perfume on for me! It was such a great high. And then-she just pulled way back and it hurt so much. I really can see now that she's just not ready for this. So, I have to just be grateful for what I've had and what meeting her did for me.
I came out to a good friend who I knew had a lot of gay friends. She introduced me to a great woman who left her marriage 20 years ago and is now partnered. They took me to dinner last weekend when I was alone. They took me to a restaurant that is in the "lavender district" of San Jose. I never knew. They were great. So affirming. And last night when I was crying my eyes out over so many things, they called just at the right time. I'm so relieved to have some gay friends.
Then, I fired my therapist. Really, I have always felt she had an agenda from day one. She felt I should stay married and have affairs. And then she commented on my hair color once and how nice I looked. I started to get creeped out. I really think she was kind of coming on to me. One of the women who took me to dinner told me to listen to that voice. I found another therapist kind of far but she specializes in coming out and even wrote a book "From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life". We'll see how that works.
I'm going to ask my doctor tomorrow for some meds. I'm not sleeping-waking up with pounding heart. It's nuts. How many things can I deal with at once? Divorce, unrequitted love, coming out, therapist issues-oh and did I mention that my best friend is moving to Chicago? She's been my rock. If I make it through this-I will never question my strength again.
Again-I'm so grateful you're all out there reading and caring enough to understand and post. I would never turn back-even with the anxiety attacks, the back aches, the tears, fears, isolation, doubt and general insanity. I'm a FGP and I'm breathing for the first time in my life.
Hugs,
Passion
ps-I told Blue we will all be hugging her tight when she tells the dh.

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Thanks Cat. I need all I can get
Hugs,
Passion
Holding on tight Louise!
Thelma
Thanks Caly. I wish I could have the in person hugs too. This is the most isolated I've ever felt in my life. But-guess what? I'm going to a women's rap and support group tonight at the LGBT center here. I'm so terrified-but I have to connect or I'm going to go crazy. I hope they accept me.
I knew I needed to get rid of that therapist. You know-both her daughters are gay. She told me that so that I would think she was accepting. But in reality I think she's thought she could "save" me because she couldn't save her daughters! And I just wonder if she herself is gay-if both daughters are. Just a hunch.
I'm pooped-really need to sleep tonight. I'm looking forward to having my kids sleep with me this weekend.
Hugs,
Passion
Hi Ting. At times I think there's something in the future with this woman-we have a strong connection. However, I think she's more deeply closeted than I am and has a long way to go to be where I am. But never say never.
I got the prescription, so will take it tonight after I go to a women's rap and support group at our LGBT center here tonight. I hope I actually have the guts to walk in there! I desperately want to connect with some friends.
Thanks again for the kind words
Hugs,
Passion
Passion,
Passion,
You should definitly go to that support group. There is nothing better than being around people who have "been there". Believe me I have "been there" like most of us have and its terribly hard and frightening.
Go...make some new friends...have a good cry and be "ok" with yourself and your decisions!
Daronda
Hi everyone. I actually walked into the center last night. I was a bit nervous, but really, it wasn't as hard as I thought. It was a very small group-only the facilitator and one other woman at first, and then another woman joined later. I'm glad it was small.
All of the women had been married at one time. And the woman who joined later had been married 42 years! Count em-42! She was so impressive. She said she and her ex have doubled dated since the divorce. I thought that was great.
All in all I'm really glad I went. I just needed to take the first leap. Now I'm looking for other groups or activities to join to feel connected and involved.
I took the Xanax last night and slept for more hours than usual before I woke up with the racing heart. But there was more sleep than usual. I worked out (but not V's class-don't need the drama now) and now I'm looking forward to having my kids all weekend at MY place. It seems weird to say that. They are excited also.
Check in later
Hugs,
Passion
Oh, {{{Passion}}} so many things going on with you right now!!
So glad you went to the center and stayed for the session even though it was small. Keep finding more things to get involved in.
Also, thinking of you and your kids this weekend, I hope you have a great weekend!
How are you liking your apartment so far? Do you plan to go back to the center?
How are things going between you and DH?
So many questions. I am always so full of questions, sorry.
Anyway, congratulations so far, you are being very brave. I am sure it is not that easy.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Sending loads of (((((((hugs))))))! You aren't alone, Passion. Many women have done this and you will make it through to find the real happiness and satisfaction you're looking for!
~ Nony
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