Stranger in my own house
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 08-12-2007 - 9:47pm |
So, today is my 12th wedding anniversary. So weird. Dh is playing golf and I brought the kids home from the first weekend at the apt. It was an okay weekend. My youngest dd has a cold so she was so grumpy. She kept asking to go home. Today was better. There's a pool at the apt and the kids swam everyday. Thank goodness for that.
Now my dh is making me feel like this is no longer my home. He has rearranged a lot of stuff and "cleaned". I was always the messier person, and I'm sure it's a message about what a slob I was. I know some of what he's doing is healthy for him, but it makes me feel like so awful. I know I have to start giving up the attachment to this house, just another goodbye. And the apt is really home yet-but I'm sure it will be soon.
Today I was really feeling like I want to meet more lesbians-but not necessarily to date. I just don't feel ready for that. So I starting searching online and found a womens' softball league. I printed out the schedule and am going to go watch a game tomorrow night. Can't really see walking into a bar right now. Nothing better than going to go watch women play ball-that's where it all started for me.
Oh-and I'm PMSing-just makes everything that much worse.
I wish I had energy to answer all your posts. You've all been so supportive. Someday I'll be stronger and able to give back. For now I'm a taker-not a role I'm used to. Thanks for being givers.
Hugs,
Amy-my "real" name

Pages
(((((((((Amy))))))))))
I am sorry you are hurting right now.
((((((((Passion))))))))
I understand that feeling of being a stranger in your own house, and it's tough. I've been divorced for 2 1/2 years, and it's still hard for me to go into my old house. There are so many emotions and memories (good and bad) there.
I wouldn't take your STBX's cleaning as a message about your cleanliness. I actually think it's a good thing that he is changing things around. Like you said, it's a healthy thing, and it's good for him to be making the break. It's incredibly hard to watch, though. I hope the attachment to the house will ease in the coming days for you.
Don't worry about being a taker! That's what you need to be right now, hon. Just take care of yourself and your kids. I'm glad you're getting out and doing things with other lesbians.
Hugs
Softball games are a good place to meet lesbians. That and the Navy did it for me. Lol.
Maybe you could invest in some decorations for your apartment to make it feel more homey to you.
Set it up all comfy the way you would like it to be. Even if you can only do one room for now. Just one comfy room for you.
Maybe buy a plant or something you like or some candles that relax you or a print...
A little welcome home mat or sign to hang to get you in the mood that this is home now...
I have moved alot being in the Navy so, I got used to making new homes feel like home pretty fast.
Hey, home is where you hang your hat as they say, right?
Buy a little gold fish so you have a little pet to come home to. He will swim to the top to greet you and get fed. And you will have a reason to come home.
Ok, I am trying here. I hope you can feel more comfy in your apartment soon.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
You have alot of women flirting with you right now.
I just got called out on it awhile back. So have been low key in the flirting area.
But, I will tell you you have no need for a sagging ego. ; )
Now pull that ego up and move forward.
Did you sleep with dh in the same room?
How did Sunday night go? Cool that he is cleaning the house.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Hi Loretta! I'm glad you found the time to stop by and visit. The women and gentleman here are so supportive and we have some fun from time to time! Keep coming by and getting to know everyone. Tell your story when you're ready!
Hugs,
Amy
Hi Caly. These are strange and uncharted times, but I know with each new experience I'll gain more confidence, even when it's painful. I need to talk to the dh about the house. I actually spend more time here on some days than I do at the apt and I still feel it's my home in some ways. We'll figure it out.
Hope I can still go tonight for softball. The ds is sick and I may hang out here if he's not feeling better.
Hugs,
Amy
Hi Ting. Yep-it's painful. Sometimes I feel numb-sometimes I feel like I'm on a high. The darn rollercoaster.
I'll tell you, I really didn't want to do the Xanax-but I have finally been sleeping-3 nights in a row. I feel less volatile now-but still kind of down.
Thanks for the hugs and support
Hugs,
Amy
Hi Laurie. Can't sign up for the Navy now-not going to fit in with my life! But, the softball games I'm looking forward to. If I thought my knees could handle it I would sign up myself. I just might.
I really do need to focus on the apt and make it more mine. I really want a computer there next-so I don't have to do all my computer time at home. But decorating is next. I actually spend more time at the house most days, so it makes it hard. This transition time is going to take some getting used to.
A goldfish-never thought of that. We had two golden retrievers for several years. One died 3 years ago and the other 1 1/2 years ago. I always wanted another, but the dh doesn't want the mess. The kids really want another dog. When I get a place that can have a big dog, that's what I want. I like a big goofy dog that greets me when I get home and lays on my lap and thinks I'm the greatest thing in the world! But I guess a goldfish would be a good start.
Thanks for your caring.
Hugs,
Amy
I thought a goldfish because you are in an apartment and have to go to the house all day so a dog might not work out right now.
You could name your goldfish Dog. That way you can tell people you have to go home to feed the dog.
I have a big German Shepherd that loves to lay on my lap, he is goofey too.
I think a Gold fish named Dog for now...
Let me know what you think...
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Oh my did I need that now! That's great. Okay-a goldfish named Dog. It's perfect. All I can handle right now. I'm actually allowed dogs at the apt, but just can't handle that right now.
Okay-you're good at the advice thing. Here's a tough one. This woman I like-the "trigger" woman-well, I'm stuck on what to do about her. We've been going round and round for months. She was always the pursurer. I've just been going along for the ride so to speak. After we get close she always seems to get scared and pulls back. She's also married with kids and we've never spoken out loud our feelings.
So we did the movie thing a couple of weeks ago and she was nervous as heck. Smelled and looked great though-kept checking me out in the theater. The next week in class (she's the fitness instructor) she goes on and on about her dh to the class-right after she said outloud how great my back looks (I think she just let's it slip out and then realises she said it outloud and has to cover her tracks). Anyway-I feel like she wants it all. She doesn't want to let go of me and the attention I give her, but I can tell there's no way she's ready for anything else.
So, I skipped her class today. I just can't deal with the push and pull. And tomorrow is the day I take two of her classes in a row. I haven't missed a Tuesday in MONTHS! Really, I go faithfully-for obvious reasons. I mean-I'm really toned these days. So, I really want to avoid going tomorrow because I feel she needs to miss me a bit-you know? But I'm really waffling right now. Not only do I want to see her-I need to kickbox! But-I know I should stay away an entire week and see what she does. Usually, she comes right back and reconnects.
Okay Laurie-you were talking low-maintenance pets and I went into what to do with the rest of my life! Let me know what you think dear
Hugs,
Amy
Pages