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| Fri, 08-17-2007 - 4:20pm |
A very long time ago I loved a woman. I wanted to shout that from the rooftops. I found out that was not wise. I ran away from her and that part of myself. Now I'm old, retired, used up. I love my husband as a friend, but I don't want the physical any more. Never was all that great, even with caring about him. It just wasn't really me, you know? I did what I thought I was supposed to. Life has brought me to reconnection with a part of myself I've kept hidden for a long long time, even from myself. Attending a service at church about the need for equality, and same sex marriage, and getting to know lesbians there brought that missing part of myself back to me. I like the vibes, the connection. I have always felt more comfortable with women. It's just a feeling, a good feeling. I don't have a crush on anyone. I just came face to face that all these years I did what I thought I was supposed to, but now I'm on empty.
I used to be strong. Energetic. Positive. It's been many years since I felt any of that. I haven't been happy for a long time. Real laughter has fled. My women friends, some have died, some have moved away, some I lost track of. I miss a close relationship with women. I miss the strength, the ability to be myself, not this caricature I've created of me, fitting in on the outside, empty on the inside.
I am just rambling. I'm sorry. Maybe this is the wrong place to post? I don't want a divorce. I'm afraid of all that, of hurting my family and I'm afraid of going it alone at this time in my life. I'm not young any more. I don't want to be alone. Who'd want me now, with wrinkles and an old body? lol I'm confused. I don't know who I can share these feelings and thoughts with, in my real life. I've been lurking a couple of days here, and felt the warmth and caring. Can I come to visit here while I'm trying to get to know myself again and sort things out?


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Hi Mountain Lover. You certainly did come to the right place. These women and gentelman are so caring and will always take time out to reach back to someone in need.
Your post really spoke to me. I relate to so many of the things you said. I have already taken the steps to leave my husband. I'm separated, but still coming home to take care of my 3 kids. I too felt the missing passion in my life was because I chose to get married, when I had loved at least one woman passionately, and was also briefly involved with two others in my younger years.
So, here I am, having so many of the same fears as you. I miss the comfort of my family life, but not the comfort of my husband. He's a good man, but I never wanted him to want me in the way a woman wants you. And I've never felt connected to him the way I've been connected to women. Having said that, leaving a stable, acceptable way of life is extremely difficult, especially if you don't know what's out there.
A lot of the time I sit and wonder if anyone would want a woman with 3 young children who's been married for 12 years. It's damn scary. But I also knew that my life as I was living it was not authentic anymore. So, I'm in transition. I'm trying to reach out to the gay/lesbian community. I have lots of doubts sometimes, mostly because I knew the life I was living in so many ways, it was predictable and safe and this new "life" is pretty new.
So I say, try and stay here and post anything. This can be the start of your new community as you try and decide what to do next. This is the first place I came and felt so welcomed. Don't think no one would want you. I try and remind myself there are some women out there that are looking for exactly the person that I am, and the person who I finally do find will be very lucky to find me!
"Fitting in on the outside, empty on the inside". Could have written that. Let us help you find that woman again. Hang in there-really. As dark as it seems now, you will find her again.
Hugs,
Amy
Hi,
I think you should post here as often as you wish. The two ladies who host this board are very nice. They will accept you and welcome your presence. I very much enjoy the mountains. I like your picture. I recently was given a hiking stick. I love hiking.
Well it is nice to meet you. Have a great weekend!
Thank you so much! It means so much that another person "hears" me, and understands.
Authentic is a really good word. I haven't felt more than a role for so long. I'm just
going to let my awareness grow at its own pace. I just feel lost. I don't feel I've wasted my life. But I just wonder what it could have been like? Who might I have been?
ML
ML
Thank you, too. I like my picture, too. :) I wish I could look out a window and see that! lol I love the mountains and wish I could be a hermit, just me & my dog, sometimes. Alas, I live in the city. :p
Hope you have a great weekend, too.
ML
ML
You know at times I think "what would have been". But try and think forward-and see what could be. Easier said than done. You're who you are now-and you're being brave enough to question what could be. A lot of people never get to that questioning place-so be kind to yourself.
I met a woman last week who left a marriage after 42 years to a good man when she realised she was gay. So-you just don't know. Stay here-I know no better place to say all these things and let yourself discover new feelings and ideas. I wouldn't be where I am now without the people here. We all have to find our way alone in a sense-but it takes a lot of courage to reach out to others-and you'll be amazed at their compassion and understanding.
Take care
Hugs,
Amy
ps-where on the west coast are you-in general if you don't want to be too specific. I'm in Northern California
Hey, ML, welcome to the Board. If you've been lurking for a little bit, you know that passiongrl and I are in the middle of coming out, leaving husbands and family. It's never too late to come to yourself. I think I have been the oldest one regularly posting, but you can certainly take my place. lol
It's a good home with safe people. Nobody is condescending and we are all making our way together.
Just got back from the mountains in CO last week, saw the Tetons and Yellowstone, and cried when I had to leave. In my dream world, I live in the mountains in the summer and a southern shore in the winter with all my friends and family who love me.
Hugs
Blue
C >^. A .
You wrote my story so well. I am retired too. and more or less in the same suitation too.
I need a female in my life too. I did move to the mountians though in the east. But I have a soft spot for Ca. dreaming, SanFransisco wearing a flower in my hair. and like a prayer you can take me there. Yes along time ago I could of shouted from the roof top too
oh oh oh . I am realy glad you'r hear and hope to be reading many of your posts.
hugs Ziggy
HELLLOO!!!!!
You have most certainly come to the right place!
And welcome.
You certainly have come to the right place. I am sorry that you have been so down. I almost did what you did. I was going to marry a guy when I was 18 just to have a "normal" life. Then something inside snapped and I could not do it. I said no. I went into the Navy got away from my small town of Youngstown, Ohio. And started my new life.
I am so happy I did too.
I came out to everyone very young. I decided to get it all over with, you know, the shock and awe.
I am 47 yrs old now and have been living as a lesbian since I was 18 yrs old. I have been able to be myself almost all my life.
I feel so sad for people when I hear stories about how they had to hide it and live a str8 life.
You come here and be who you are and say whatever you need to say.
Maybe one day you will find a woman again and you will shout it from the mountain tops, lol.
Hugs,
Laurie
Edited 8/18/2007 10:44 am ET by lauriedav
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