Too late now for waking up?
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| Fri, 08-17-2007 - 4:20pm |
A very long time ago I loved a woman. I wanted to shout that from the rooftops. I found out that was not wise. I ran away from her and that part of myself. Now I'm old, retired, used up. I love my husband as a friend, but I don't want the physical any more. Never was all that great, even with caring about him. It just wasn't really me, you know? I did what I thought I was supposed to. Life has brought me to reconnection with a part of myself I've kept hidden for a long long time, even from myself. Attending a service at church about the need for equality, and same sex marriage, and getting to know lesbians there brought that missing part of myself back to me. I like the vibes, the connection. I have always felt more comfortable with women. It's just a feeling, a good feeling. I don't have a crush on anyone. I just came face to face that all these years I did what I thought I was supposed to, but now I'm on empty.
I used to be strong. Energetic. Positive. It's been many years since I felt any of that. I haven't been happy for a long time. Real laughter has fled. My women friends, some have died, some have moved away, some I lost track of. I miss a close relationship with women. I miss the strength, the ability to be myself, not this caricature I've created of me, fitting in on the outside, empty on the inside.
I am just rambling. I'm sorry. Maybe this is the wrong place to post? I don't want a divorce. I'm afraid of all that, of hurting my family and I'm afraid of going it alone at this time in my life. I'm not young any more. I don't want to be alone. Who'd want me now, with wrinkles and an old body? lol I'm confused. I don't know who I can share these feelings and thoughts with, in my real life. I've been lurking a couple of days here, and felt the warmth and caring. Can I come to visit here while I'm trying to get to know myself again and sort things out?


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Sweet Cat, 39 years young. Who would have ever thought???? 39 is a nice number. When you get to be 40, people will start to show you some respect.
Big Hugs
Blue
Love your little animal, babe. So is it a bear or a mouse with big ears?
Hugs
Sue
I feel like I am on another planet, looking and thinking about things through my personal time tunnel to the past, or like Rip van Winkle, who has just woken up and somehow my world is radically changed.
Oh, and I'm in Northern CA, too! ;) From what I've read here and researched, this is a pretty good state to be for domestic partnership laws. Not the same as marriage, but at least a lot better than other places.
ML
ML
Thank you! I love your dream world. That would be my choice, too. :p I don't love snow. lol I like the mountains in the late spring, summer or fall. I'm not crazy about hot weather, either... I'm a wimp. rofl
We can share the title of oldest poster, if you like. lol Until someone else comes along. I am a little surprised that there are women like me, having the realizations I'm having, so much later in life. Perhaps that shouldn't really be a surprise as we humans are good at burying things about ourselves, deep down, to make life a bit easier in other ways. I don't know whether to be happy I'm digging deep and getting to know my true self, or whether it would have been better to stay "asleep." :o
I have always wanted to see the Tetons and Yellowstone. Haven't made it yet. They are beautiful places!
ML
ML
Thank you! It is wonderful to receive your support! I will go and read some of the archives, too. I like the idea of many years of being 38. I don't think I could get away with that now, but perhaps I should have thought of that strategy earlier. lol
I see older women, even with white hair (I'm not *that* old as yet), who are vital and alive and full of energy and purpose. So, I know, even though I am beginning the downhill slide of the aging process in my life, that doesn't have to be my mental or emotional outlook. And I don't have to live that way. I think I'm still in the being stunned stage about my self-discovery.
ML
ML
Thank you for your welcome! :) I was one of those hippies in SF all those long years ago. lol Long peasant skirts, long hair, believing in the world, in positive energy, in beauty and nature and free love. I didn't live in the Haight, but would visit with friends on the weekends. So long ago... Happy memories. :p
ML
ML
I like that --- we are young until we die. :)
I like the possibility you mentioned -- having women friends again. I think I'd like to start there. Perhaps I should look around and see where women hang -- I've read here about going to some bookstores or coffee houses. How/where do I look? I'm not a drinker and I haven't been in a bar for decades. lmao
I am so glad I found this board! :)
ML
ML
You know, I *knew* all those years ago. I just was a coward. ;( I had learned too well the lesson of please others, do what they expect. Well, now that our daughter is raised, maybe it's my turn again?
Thank you, also, for your welcome. This is a wonderful place!
ML
ML
Hi ML. That's a good way to put it. You are kind of on another planet. My therapist said it's like moving to a new country in some ways-and you have to figure out how to live with the new "culture" and new ways. I really feel like I'm in a dream sometimes. How did I get here? Did I make this all up?
I used the words "awake" to my therapist when I first started going. I felt so alive. Some of that is gone because I'm going through so much stress, but all for the right reasons. Hold onto any good feelings you are having. Journal a lot-I wrote so much, and need to get back to doing that.
Can you go to therapy?
I'm in San Jose-so lots of places to reach out here. I'm going to our local LGBT center-and actually feel so comfortable walking in there now. Are you in an area with some resources? It's hard to reach out at first, but gets easier.
Hugs,
Amy
Ziggy
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