Too late now for waking up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Too late now for waking up?
55
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 4:20pm

A very long time ago I loved a woman. I wanted to shout that from the rooftops. I found out that was not wise. I ran away from her and that part of myself. Now I'm old, retired, used up. I love my husband as a friend, but I don't want the physical any more. Never was all that great, even with caring about him. It just wasn't really me, you know? I did what I thought I was supposed to. Life has brought me to reconnection with a part of myself I've kept hidden for a long long time, even from myself. Attending a service at church about the need for equality, and same sex marriage, and getting to know lesbians there brought that missing part of myself back to me. I like the vibes, the connection. I have always felt more comfortable with women. It's just a feeling, a good feeling. I don't have a crush on anyone. I just came face to face that all these years I did what I thought I was supposed to, but now I'm on empty.

I used to be strong. Energetic. Positive. It's been many years since I felt any of that. I haven't been happy for a long time. Real laughter has fled. My women friends, some have died, some have moved away, some I lost track of. I miss a close relationship with women. I miss the strength, the ability to be myself, not this caricature I've created of me, fitting in on the outside, empty on the inside.

I am just rambling. I'm sorry. Maybe this is the wrong place to post? I don't want a divorce. I'm afraid of all that, of hurting my family and I'm afraid of going it alone at this time in my life. I'm not young any more. I don't want to be alone. Who'd want me now, with wrinkles and an old body? lol I'm confused. I don't know who I can share these feelings and thoughts with, in my real life. I've been lurking a couple of days here, and felt the warmth and caring. Can I come to visit here while I'm trying to get to know myself again and sort things out?


ML Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 7:30pm

I could be a hermit in the mountains as well. Actually I am a hermit. LOL But a hermit in the city. Not a loner by choice I might add though. Circumstances - life. Anyway, I love dogs! I have always had a soft spot for the German Shepherd. A German Shepherd saved my life when I was child. But recently, I have become rather captured by a beautiful breed I didn't know existed until I watched a realty show on Bravo that featured someone who had this breed as a pet- a Weimaraner. Those are the most beautiful dogs. They are like enchanted ghosts with sparkling eyes.

Anyway, I'll probably be best to stick with a smaller breed. A Weimaraner would probably walk me instead of me walking it. LOL I do want a dog that enjoys being active as I am an active person.

I'm a future happy dog owner. :)

Well, how's that for rambling! Take care - chmod

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 9:18pm

Hey there Mountain Lover...


I absolutely DO think that

Spring SiggyBlinkie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 12:07am

I don't think we can afford it, even with our health coverage with DH. And since I'm keeping my current upheaval inside, with no one in IRL to talk about this with, how could I explain my sudden need for therapy to DH or my grown DD, without causing a lot of turmoil when I don't know what direction I'm going? :O

I'm in the East Bay, just north of you. :) I have spent the last couple hours googling for resources in my area, and found only two that weren't all the way in SF. One is for seniors, but I'm not sure I'm old enough for them. lmao The other thing is they are located right in town and again, like the therapy concern, I'm not sure I want to be that "out" about what's going on inside of me as yet.... :-\ The other org is in Berkeley and that is a possibility.

I just don't know if I'm ready IRL, yet. lol All this is pretty new and raw to me, and I'm not ready to let it outside myself yet...I just don't have any answers. Just a lot of fear and concern for my family and wanting to handle this well and make the best choices for all of us about any changes in my life that will come. I love them both very much. A lot of the time I think, since I'm nearing the end of my life, rather than at the beginning of it, so to speak, maybe after all these years with DH, I should just deal with the life I've created rather than hurt them. I'm not sure what purpose would be served by causing total life upheaval at this late date. I am very afraid.

ML


ML Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 12:09am

I will try to be patient with this process I've begun. Just posting and talking about things here, brings up a lot of fear about making changes. I'll try not to just freak out and bury myself deep inside again...

ML


ML Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 12:50am
Mmmmmmwhuaaaaa!!!

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 12:56am
There Ya Go!~ Now your getting it!~ *Smiles~and I'll try getting away with 39 as long as I did 38... LOL..

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 1:01am
Haaa... chmod.. You made me giggle at your line.. "Actually I am a hermit".. Witty

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 8:12am

Hey check this video out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6wFGSXl_0o

You'll see a real cute Weimaraner.

Signed,

Hermistpha :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 8:20am
To sweet. And yes, they are known for their eyes. They are almost human like eyes.
Beautiful dogs.
I myself am a German Shepherd dog lover and Pug lover. I have 1 German Shepherd and 2 Pugs. Also a Yorkie/chuahua mix that is very cute.
I hope you can get your puppy soon I just can't imagine a home without one.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 10:49am

Hi Laurie,

Sounds like you have a wonderful household! German Shepherds are beautiful dogs. Last Sunday I met a lady walking her Pug. It was so sweet. I also love Labs too. I will most likely stick with a smaller breed though. I like Terriers. It would be fine with me to have a mixed breed. I'm not into dog shows, so papers and such is not a big deal to me. I just want a friend! :)

It has been two years since the death of my bird and coming home to an empty apartment has not been easy. So, a fur friend to come home to will be a welcomed thing. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should get another bird. But, birds do not sit in laps too well. LOL They climb on your back however and chew holes in your shirt. LOL

Take care and hugs - chmod

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