Too late now for waking up?
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| Fri, 08-17-2007 - 4:20pm |
A very long time ago I loved a woman. I wanted to shout that from the rooftops. I found out that was not wise. I ran away from her and that part of myself. Now I'm old, retired, used up. I love my husband as a friend, but I don't want the physical any more. Never was all that great, even with caring about him. It just wasn't really me, you know? I did what I thought I was supposed to. Life has brought me to reconnection with a part of myself I've kept hidden for a long long time, even from myself. Attending a service at church about the need for equality, and same sex marriage, and getting to know lesbians there brought that missing part of myself back to me. I like the vibes, the connection. I have always felt more comfortable with women. It's just a feeling, a good feeling. I don't have a crush on anyone. I just came face to face that all these years I did what I thought I was supposed to, but now I'm on empty.
I used to be strong. Energetic. Positive. It's been many years since I felt any of that. I haven't been happy for a long time. Real laughter has fled. My women friends, some have died, some have moved away, some I lost track of. I miss a close relationship with women. I miss the strength, the ability to be myself, not this caricature I've created of me, fitting in on the outside, empty on the inside.
I am just rambling. I'm sorry. Maybe this is the wrong place to post? I don't want a divorce. I'm afraid of all that, of hurting my family and I'm afraid of going it alone at this time in my life. I'm not young any more. I don't want to be alone. Who'd want me now, with wrinkles and an old body? lol I'm confused. I don't know who I can share these feelings and thoughts with, in my real life. I've been lurking a couple of days here, and felt the warmth and caring. Can I come to visit here while I'm trying to get to know myself again and sort things out?


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When you get to be 40, people will start to show you some respect.
Hmmmmmmmm? Maybe I need to starting telling people I am 47. LOL
*Hugs
ROFL! I don't know!
We are glad you found the board as well.
Welcome, ML! I'm sorry I'm late welcoming you. It's great to have you, and I'm glad you've jumped right in and started posting. I think you have a lot of great things to say.
You've gotten a lot of good thoughts and advice from others, so I'll just add that I think it's great you are recognizing your feelings and starting to form friendships again. You can definitely count on us to be supportive. We like to
Hi ML. I'm glad you checked things out. Caly was right, everyone knows when the time is right to get out there. However, I will add that although I knew it was time to "get out there" I was also in stuck mode for a while because it can be hard to make that leap. Starting here was great, but I really had to conjure up some courage to step into the LGBT center the first time. I had to muster up courage a lot along this journey. I just kept asking myself "what's the worst that can happen?"
See the discussion I started about my "rite of passage". I was worried about coming across lesbians who would judge me for being married. I found one the first night. You know, I worried so much about it, and it happened-and I survived! Not only did I survive, I held my ground with her and filled her in a bit on the hell I've been through. And then I let it go, as it's not my problem but hers.
Anyway, it's scary hon. It's scary, but it's worth it. You've been given a gift-even this late in life. You've been given the opportunity to realise your true self-whoever she is. Take it-let us be there to help. It's not too late. I know you love your dh and dd-that's why you're a great person. If you didn't love them it would be easy. But they'll benefit from you being honest with yourself. I'm starting to see the benefits with my family, even though it was hellish and first. I know more tough times are coming. (I'm still on my Castro-high!).
So I know this is a stretch-but if you even want to come down here and meet me and I can take you the LGBT center with me. You wouldn't know anyone down here probably and maybe not as scary. I'm not scary-I don't think. That's just a thought. That could be weeks or months down the road-but keep it in mind. I've traveled this path.
Okay-it's become a novel. Hang in there!
Hugs,
Amy
Why? I say keep 'em all guessing!!!!
You know me...
Hugs
Sue
C >^. A .
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Forgot to respond about dogs... :p I love dogs. I've always had dogs anywhere from 55 to over 100 lbs. I like big dogs I can hug, like long walks, and in my younger years, backpacking & camping, and that generally aren't hyper. Larger dogs sure require more walking, though! :O Which is good for me! :p Looks like Weimaraners, as a working dog, can be a challenge as well as a pleasure:
http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/weimaraner.htm
One of the greatest treasures in life, is having animal friends. ;) My dog is a border collie mix, about 75 lbs. Keeps me busy with long walks daily (otherwise we both become neurotic - lol) and is great company in my more hermit like existence. Somebody said they lived like a hermit in the city??? I can't remember who. Well, that's me, too. Hermit in the city. :p
ML
ML
Thank you for your offer. I may just take you up on that in the future! :) I need more time to just "live with" these realizations going on within me right now, but it would be so great to meet you and go with someone, and not alone. I can sure understand the courage you had to walk into the center alone...
I found this place within easy driving distance, but it may be tuned to younger people:
http://www.pacificcenter.org/
Is this anything like the center you went to?
ML
ML
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