Too late now for waking up?
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| Fri, 08-17-2007 - 4:20pm |
A very long time ago I loved a woman. I wanted to shout that from the rooftops. I found out that was not wise. I ran away from her and that part of myself. Now I'm old, retired, used up. I love my husband as a friend, but I don't want the physical any more. Never was all that great, even with caring about him. It just wasn't really me, you know? I did what I thought I was supposed to. Life has brought me to reconnection with a part of myself I've kept hidden for a long long time, even from myself. Attending a service at church about the need for equality, and same sex marriage, and getting to know lesbians there brought that missing part of myself back to me. I like the vibes, the connection. I have always felt more comfortable with women. It's just a feeling, a good feeling. I don't have a crush on anyone. I just came face to face that all these years I did what I thought I was supposed to, but now I'm on empty.
I used to be strong. Energetic. Positive. It's been many years since I felt any of that. I haven't been happy for a long time. Real laughter has fled. My women friends, some have died, some have moved away, some I lost track of. I miss a close relationship with women. I miss the strength, the ability to be myself, not this caricature I've created of me, fitting in on the outside, empty on the inside.
I am just rambling. I'm sorry. Maybe this is the wrong place to post? I don't want a divorce. I'm afraid of all that, of hurting my family and I'm afraid of going it alone at this time in my life. I'm not young any more. I don't want to be alone. Who'd want me now, with wrinkles and an old body? lol I'm confused. I don't know who I can share these feelings and thoughts with, in my real life. I've been lurking a couple of days here, and felt the warmth and caring. Can I come to visit here while I'm trying to get to know myself again and sort things out?


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Wow, I'm really late to the welcoming party (but I'm always late here, time zones and all lol) but you look so comfy here already... we have such lovely group :)
Another one who is late to the party in welcoming you! This really is a great group of people and a very fun and supportive place.
I really identified with what you said about you used to be strong and energetic and positive and it's been a long time since you felt that. I came out at 28 and got divorced from my husband and I remember feeling truly alive for the first time in so long. I felt like I had been walking through life numb and then suddenly everything came alive around me. Or maybe I came alive.............
I think regardless of age or circumstance it's never to late to be happy. That means differant things for differant people, but you don't have to figure it out today. It's a journey for everyone..........
Shannon
I find that younger people are pretty accepting of us if we make the first move. I hang with all the twenty/thirty somethings at work and have a great time.
You will never know unless you make the first step.
Hugs
Blue
Hey Nony. I agree that someone doesn't need to divorce or live openly as a gay person to reclaim themselves. But, if a person is gay or lesbian and has buried that person for so long, to remain more closeted I think makes it very difficult to fully realise the strength you do have. I knew from the beginning of his journey that if I was honest with myself and everyone else, I would start to find Amy again-all the lost parts. This part of me was the first to be buried years ago.
And I love what you said about finding it in the female form! YES! I told people that so many times when trying to explain my journey. It's not about not liking men, but the total package of a woman and how I feel around women and particularly a woman I love and am attracted to, well, there's no comparison. And just being out there again with other lesbians recently, I felt so powerful and myself and it was just great.
Hugs,
Amy
"It's not about not liking men, but the total package of a woman and how I feel around women and particularly a woman I love and am attracted to, well, there's no comparison. And just being out there again with other lesbians recently, I felt so powerful and myself and it was just great."
This is how I have felt over all these years, although I have not had an affair or allowed myself to be attracted to another woman, in all this time. I've been faithful to the commitment made to my DH as he has been with me. But being able to spend time with strong women, some lesbian, some not, is where I thrive. I just haven't had much of that in my life for a very long time. And the result has been living without the kind of nurturing love I want, and gradually just watching parts of myself become silent and buried. Maybe that kind of love isn't possible from a man, at least for me. I thought it was possible, but I think I talked myself into it. I remember after DH & I had begun dating heavily and I sensed he was going to propose, that I had nightmares about running away, about being invisible, about losing my identity and myself. I just thought it was pre-marriage pre-commitment jitters... Now, I'm not so sure. Of course, I rationalized the dreams, and went on in the direction I was heading. I didn't know then the importance of intuition and dreams, that they are guides and the voice of my true self. :-\
I don't know where this new awareness is going to take me in this life. The road signs are not clear, some of the roads are washed out. I am just glad to be here with everyone. It's just an intuition that I'm working with now, and I am really trying NOT to ignore or bury or rationalize it all away, and get buried again. It would be so easy to do. Until I read of Blue's courage and yours, and others here on the board.
I feel like I have this wonderful secret growing inside of my heart and spirit, but I can't tell anybody about it, except all of you here.
ML
ML
Thank you, Nony. :)
"Perhaps you're finding there are too many parts of yourself that you've ignored for too long? I don't think a person has to divorce or live as an out gay person to change who you are or who you project to the world. You CAN redefine yourself.
It's about remembering what we're good at, what we enjoy and what we CAN do, and finding/appreciating others who can do the same."
This makes me feel much more hopeful about all my inner awakening... :)
ML
ML
Thank you, Shannon! :)
I'm glad I don't have to figure it out today, LOL! Your phrase, "walking through life numb," is a good description for what I have been doing for decades. There's just nothing that deeply interests me, motivates me to learn or pursue. I've just gradually over the years, become a hermit inside my home, with just my dog as companion. DH home at night. DD grown and on her own. Just to go out somewhere, is like a big undertaking to me now, and I have a lot of inertia to fight, to make plans to see a friend rather than just email. Just to get out to do necessary errands takes a lot out of me. I did join a church earlier this year, a Unitarian Universalist one, that flies the rainbow flag, so maybe that was something pointing the way? The Goddess helping me move along. ;) I sought some way to be of use and to regain contact with people who potentially have the same outlook or values that I do. So perhaps that was Step 1 in this journey? :)
ML
ML
"You will never know unless you make the first step."
You are SO right... :) And thank you for responding in the midst of all your own struggles and process.
ML
ML
Hey sweetie-you are on the path, just by all you're saying here. I can hear all the wisdom you already need in your posts. Where it will exactly take you isn't for sure, but you know you're heading there.
I too was very faithful to my committment to my dh. I'm that kind of person. He's a fine man and we had a good life. I also didn't "allow" myself to even entertain the thought of another person-let alone a woman-for years. Meeting and connecting with this woman at the gym was the trigger-the catalyst-to remind me of that true part of myself. I realised what could be and I'm trying to make the changes to get there.
I do think for many women-and I guess that would be mostly lesbians if that's the true defintion, true intimacy is not really possible with a man the way it is with a woman. I have read this many places and I agree with that. The men in my life are very important to me. I have 4 older brothers and lots of important men in my life, so it's not about not liking men or need them. But in terms of giving myself in all those ways, I connect and need a woman's whole package in order to feel that connection and intimacy.
So, I say you're here now-with us. You know at least you need this-need us. I can hear you loud and clear-you're moving along. Remember my offer to come down sometime when you're ready and we can connect-if you don't feel comfortable doing so up there.
I love your wonderful secret inside of yourself! I too feel that a lot and hold onto when I'm terrified out of my wits!
Hugs,
Amy
Yes, Passion it is her problem and always remember that when you run into this situation. It is an insecurity problem on the part of the person who judges you.
Besides,many lesbians get married for the reason of doing the right thing and not wanting to come out to people at the time. I would not let anyone pre-judge you or judge you for when you decide to come out.
It is a shame for lesbians to judge other lesbians who are coming to terms with their own sexuality and especially when they have so much to lose for it.
I have so much respect for what you are doing and going through. And the other's too.
I did it the easier way by coming out when I was 18 yrs. old and having not much to lose. No kids, dh, home etc, or anything like that.
I support all of you and will never judge ever again. I have learned my lesson on this one.
And in my case it was truly an insecurity thing at the time.
I have even been with men in my life, it was a phase I was going through, lol, but I went through it trying to see if I could be str8 and maybe just didn't meet the right man, as everyone was telling me.
I bet there are plenty of bi-sexual people out there and that would make sense. I will never judge again, I am so reformed and feel bad for having felt that way in my past.
Take care and don't let THOSE lesbians get to you.
Hugs,
Laurie
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http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
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