Too late now for waking up?
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| Fri, 08-17-2007 - 4:20pm |
A very long time ago I loved a woman. I wanted to shout that from the rooftops. I found out that was not wise. I ran away from her and that part of myself. Now I'm old, retired, used up. I love my husband as a friend, but I don't want the physical any more. Never was all that great, even with caring about him. It just wasn't really me, you know? I did what I thought I was supposed to. Life has brought me to reconnection with a part of myself I've kept hidden for a long long time, even from myself. Attending a service at church about the need for equality, and same sex marriage, and getting to know lesbians there brought that missing part of myself back to me. I like the vibes, the connection. I have always felt more comfortable with women. It's just a feeling, a good feeling. I don't have a crush on anyone. I just came face to face that all these years I did what I thought I was supposed to, but now I'm on empty.
I used to be strong. Energetic. Positive. It's been many years since I felt any of that. I haven't been happy for a long time. Real laughter has fled. My women friends, some have died, some have moved away, some I lost track of. I miss a close relationship with women. I miss the strength, the ability to be myself, not this caricature I've created of me, fitting in on the outside, empty on the inside.
I am just rambling. I'm sorry. Maybe this is the wrong place to post? I don't want a divorce. I'm afraid of all that, of hurting my family and I'm afraid of going it alone at this time in my life. I'm not young any more. I don't want to be alone. Who'd want me now, with wrinkles and an old body? lol I'm confused. I don't know who I can share these feelings and thoughts with, in my real life. I've been lurking a couple of days here, and felt the warmth and caring. Can I come to visit here while I'm trying to get to know myself again and sort things out?


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You know Laurie, I've always sensed from your posts that you are friendly and compassionate. I never picked up that you were judgemental. But thanks for checking in. These issues are so complex. The reasons we marry, these reasons we stay as long as we do, the reasons we come out or don't. Some are related to sexual orientation, some not. I think that's what's so great about reaching out here and reaching out to anyone to make connections, we learn so much from one another and can grow if we listen.
I came out to another friend yesterday. We talked about the importance of labels. I told her that if it weren't for the labels, how would be find each other and share our common experiences? As long as we don't stay in that box for everything, and we realise all the aspects of ourselves, it's okay to have the labels and learn.
Thanks for the respect. I'm doing this for me, but so many wonderful people have been there to recognize what's happening and standing by me. I appreciate it
Anyway those days are in the past. I have learned some important lessons in my lifetime. I am very open minded and that is why I am able to learn the truth instead of being close minded and being set in my ways.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Hey Laurie. I don't think you're judgemental. We all have moments when we judge others. And we definitely all have our insecurities! You're just brave and mature enough to post them for all to know!
Hugs,
Amy
Just wanted to let you know why maybe she was having a problem with it. And to reassure you that it is not you.
I do admit I have flaws. But I am always open minded about things and willing to see the other side.
Hugs
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
((ML))) No not too late at all.
Hugs
Roxy
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