Frustrated and sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Frustrated and sad
30
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:25am

I know I've posted about issues Shelley and I have before. I'm not really looking for advice, just a shoulder to cry on. I'm just so frustrated living like roomates. I'm tired of her pushing me away when I kiss her or pulling away from my touch. I'm tired of her telling me that I "don't know how much she loves me". Love is a verb.........show me that you care! Spend time with me. Make love to me........kiss me with some passion. God, the passion between us in the past could have melted steel....what in the hell happened?
She's told me that she is not much of a partner and that I deserve better. She also says when her back is better that will change. I don't know if I believe that, we have had this issue for about 2 years now.....long before her back was a problem. She tells me that if I leave her she won't hold it against me, that she understands. I want my partner back, I feel like I want something I can't ever have.
I don't know what the answer is. Every night I go to bed telling myself that tommorow I'm going to pull away, give her a taste of her own medicine. And every morning I wake up and I can't, because I love her very much. I think I've had my head in the sand for so long about this because I'm usually so busy with work and school. But, I've had all this time on my hands lately and it's really in my face as to how seperate our lives have become. I'm looking forward to going back to work and classes starting back up. It's too hard on my heart to have this void staring me in the face every day.

Anyway, I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if things will change, I just really needed to get all that out.

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:22am

How ever you keep your faith and serenity/sanity...keep it up. Be good and gentle w/yourself. I have been exactly where you are.Your answers will come. And you'll know what is right for you.

Designergrl

"Thoughts are things! Think Good ones!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 7:09am

(((((((((Shannon)))))))))


Know that whatever is going on, its not you.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 9:44am
Shannon,
I have been in this situation with Sheila in the past. It went on for a few years. She could not admit to me that my weight gain had caused her a problem with having sex with me. She gave me all kinds of excuses. I finally demanded the truth or I was going to move on. I told her if it was something we could fix that we would do it.
She admitted she did not like my weight gain and so I have been working on it since and we have been doing much better now.
I say get to the root of the problem. What is really bugging her that she does not want to admit?
Most things can be fixed.
The only thing that would be hard is if she does not love you anymore and you already said that she say's you have no idea how much she does love you. So, I doubt that is the problem.
Things like this happen in alot of relationships. Sometimes that flame just burns down and you have to rekindle it.
I think if you find the root of it you will be able to be on your way to fixing the situation.
In Sheila's case she did not want me to think she was shallow. She still said I was her whole worl and that she did not want to live without me.
So, I started doing my part and taking care of myself.
Whatever the problem in your situation if she loves you like she say's she does then you work this out and stay right where you are. Your relationship will grow stronger through every bump.
Hugs and keep us posted,
Laurie
Laurie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 10:12am

Hi Shannon. I'm going to go ahead with he other fine ladies and offer my advice.

From your other posts and this one I can see how frustrated you are, and worried. I really think not only does she love you, maybe loves you so much, she's worried you will up and move on. The comment you made in the other post about her thinking you will go back to a man if you break up is sign of her insecurity.

I think counseling is a great idea, or like Laurie suggested, demand in a mature way that she get to the root of the issue so you can work on it. It's so hard when two people are sitting right next to each other, want each other, reach, but keep missing. Keep reaching and talking and take care of yourself while she finds the voice she needs to reach back in a healthy way.

Keep your chin up sweetie

Hugs,

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:21pm

Sending you hugs of support. I hope you both can find a way to reconnect in your love.

ML


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:40pm

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Here's a big bear hug for you, Shannon.


Hope you can find a way to open the communication between you and find the love and spark that first brought you together.


Hugs


Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:15pm

I am in agreement with the other women who have posted. I know that you want to continue with Shelley, but I know you are in a lot of pain. There were two very good suggestions make and they are to first get counselling. I wonder if Shelley would agree to it and the second is to make time to have that "mature" discussion about your issues together. Of course, that is such a difficult talk to have because many times people get defensive and then the talk just falls apart.

That being said, I am so sorry for your pain. Nobody can tell you how to feel. It's like crying out in the wilderness and hoping that somewhere your partner/lover hears and answers. It's tough when they can't or don't. I wish I had the answer and could wave the wand for you, but I will walk along with you on this.

Hugs for you

Sue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 3:35pm

I just wanted to thank you all for being so sweet, I really do appreciate it. I don't know what the answer is, I really don't. Shelley won't go to counseling, but I may pursue it on my own to figure out what it is I want at this point. The ball is in her court, she needs to participate in this relationship because I'm tired of it being 1 sided. I don't think there is an easy answer or a quick one.

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 4:02pm

Hang in there, Shannon.

It doesn't sound like the love is lost.

Like Laurie said, talk with her to get to the root of the problem. 2 yrs is a long time to keep suffering.

I hope all work out well soon.
((HUGS))

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 4:30pm

The love isn't lost, but love isn't always enough. I can't believe that I just typed that, I'm such a romantic normally. I guess I've become more of a realist as I've gotten older. Marriage requires effort and compromise on the part of 2 people, not just one. I cannot continue to carry the weight of this relationship on my own. I have so much resentment towards her at this point that I don't even know if this is a matter of me getting her back or her getting me back. I did tell her that I am not going to approach her romantically anymore because I cannot stand the rejection . I told her if she wants to approach me then we can talk, but I'm done with attempting to be the instigator......it's too hard on my heart.

I need to decide what I am going to do if she is not willing to work on these issues because I do believe it will come to that. It's not that I'm a pessimist, but I know Shelley. Everyone of her relationships have ended in the past because of similar issues.If she wasn't willing to work on this with the others, whose to say I am any differant?

Last night she was in the bath and we were talking and she made a comment that if she and I were to split up it would take a long time to seperate our lives from each other. I don't know where that came from. She knows I'm unhappy but I have not shown her the depth of my pain. I cry on my own, I don't share that with her.....she's not someone I can cry with.

Shannon

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