Frustrated and sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Frustrated and sad
30
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:25am

I know I've posted about issues Shelley and I have before. I'm not really looking for advice, just a shoulder to cry on. I'm just so frustrated living like roomates. I'm tired of her pushing me away when I kiss her or pulling away from my touch. I'm tired of her telling me that I "don't know how much she loves me". Love is a verb.........show me that you care! Spend time with me. Make love to me........kiss me with some passion. God, the passion between us in the past could have melted steel....what in the hell happened?
She's told me that she is not much of a partner and that I deserve better. She also says when her back is better that will change. I don't know if I believe that, we have had this issue for about 2 years now.....long before her back was a problem. She tells me that if I leave her she won't hold it against me, that she understands. I want my partner back, I feel like I want something I can't ever have.
I don't know what the answer is. Every night I go to bed telling myself that tommorow I'm going to pull away, give her a taste of her own medicine. And every morning I wake up and I can't, because I love her very much. I think I've had my head in the sand for so long about this because I'm usually so busy with work and school. But, I've had all this time on my hands lately and it's really in my face as to how seperate our lives have become. I'm looking forward to going back to work and classes starting back up. It's too hard on my heart to have this void staring me in the face every day.

Anyway, I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if things will change, I just really needed to get all that out.

Shannon

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Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:17pm

Shannon your post makes me ache for you. So many things you said point to pretty big issues and I can hear you feeling you are near the end of your emotional rope.

What I sense from Shelley-without even knowing her-is that she starts to push people away maybe when it gets too intense. She probably is so afraid to really love someone all the way, and when that starts to happen, she pulls back. It's called a self-fulfilling prophesy. She's so sure it's going to hurt, it's going to end and she's going to pull away first. She thinks it won't hurt then-but she's wrong.

That's her issue. But it's your relationship's issue too. The biggst problem is how much more you can take. Why can't you cry with her? It just doesn't feel safe or right? I'm so sorry. But you're right, it takes two and at this point you're walking alone. This is a tough one. But hey-don't cry alone. Who is around you can cry with?

Hugs,

Amy

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Registered: 04-23-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:27pm

Going to counselling on your own if she wont go, IS a good idea Shannon.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:29pm

Thanks for the hugs Amy, I do appreciate it. I can't cry with Shelley because she gets very uncomfortable when people cry. Also, it just gets us arguing in never ending circles and I cannot emotionally go there with her all the time. It's too tiring. But you are right that I have hit my end, emotionally.

And she makes it impossible to even have a mature discussion because her answer is always "get a younger girlfriend"..........oy! That's NOT an answer!

The only friend we have that really knows how bad things are is Jeanette. She and Shelley have been friends for over 20 years and she and I are very close. I'm going with her to a party on Saturday, so we'll have a little chit chat. When I saw her a few weeks ago her advice to me was to be Shelley's best friend in the world but to leave her romantically because Shelley is incapable of change. It's pretty bad when your oldest friend is advising your wife to leave you!

Shannon

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Registered: 04-23-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:38pm

Oh Shannon,


I am so very sorry.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:41pm

Thanks for the hugs Caly!

I do think I am going to try and find someone to talk to on my own, I think I need to decompress all my sadness and anger before I can really be rational in my dealings with Shelley. And I feel like such a monster right now to be so selfish when she has so much going on with her back. I am not a selfish person but everyone has needs,even me.

This has been 2 years in the making, it didn't happen overnight and it won't be resolved overnight.....one way or the other. No matter what happens I'll be ok, I'm a strong person and I'm very optimistic. But, I can't control what Shelley does or thinks or feels......I can only control myself.

Shannon

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Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 6:24pm

I understand about the never ending arguements and going in circles. I'm glad you have someone to lean on who knows both of you. It may be she's incapable of change, who knows. I still go on the notion that she's trying to push you away to keep a pattern that's had all her life. Sounds like it to me anyway. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.

I hope you get the support you need from your friend and maybe seek out counseling for yourself. I know there's a good book called The Intimacy Dance-written specifically for same-sex couples. May be a good resource.

Hugs friend,

Amy

sending warm vibes up the freeway to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 7:03pm

{{{{{Shannon}}}}}


I agree with those who have said that you should look into counseling for yourself, although for a slightly different reason than most are suggesting.

Spring SiggyBlinkie
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Registered: 04-08-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 7:20pm

You ladies are all awesome..........really and truly. I feel so much better, just getting all this off my chest. I have swallowed alot of my pain for too long, it always catches up with you eventually. Shelley and I have numerous issues, stuff I have not discussed here. The belief that she pushes me away so that I cannot hurt her is pretty dead on. 6 months into our relationship she cheated on me. The person she did this with was very carefully chosen to hurt me I think........a coworker. I still have to see her everyday I work. At the time I blamed myself.......I wasn't good enough, sexy enough, thin enough. Looking back now I do believe it was an attempt to push me away before things got too deep.
I need to do some work on myself regardless of what Shell choses, I'm going to see my Dr for a referal to someone. Anyway, I am just trying to do things for myself now and be positive........only time will tell what happens beyond that.

Shannon

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Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 8:39pm
Shannon,
That is good to do. Just take care of you for now.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 12:53pm

Shannon, maybe you should let her see you cry. She should see the pain she is causing. I think you’re still a romantic. Who else but a romantic willing to keep looking toward her love even after feeling like she’s been rejected. You still have love for her in a romantic way (she's lucky). *smile*

It’s up to her to show you the same thing or she should get off her butt and tell you otherwise so you don’t live in this limbo indefinately. It’s not fair to you.
Have you gone to a relationship counselor? I think I’m pretty sure she will say no to the idea but have you consider going by yourself? It’s good you’re venting on this board and we will try to help as much as possible but you also need someone to listen to your voice and provide you with some workable tools to fix this situation you're in at this time. I don’t know about you but sometime just kicking a punching bag at the gym or throwing a stone into the ocean as hard as I can to get my voice out helps me at times.

Whose to say you’re any different? Shelley should. She should because she loves you and she should show you she is willing to work out the issues she seem to be carrying around with her. I say, since you’re already carrying this around with you for two years, it’s her turn to carry you and make it better. Think about looking into a LBGT org in your area and ask for recommendations on a good counselor. You need to get yourself in a better place. (((SHANNON)))&SMILE