Frustrated and sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Frustrated and sad
30
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:25am

I know I've posted about issues Shelley and I have before. I'm not really looking for advice, just a shoulder to cry on. I'm just so frustrated living like roomates. I'm tired of her pushing me away when I kiss her or pulling away from my touch. I'm tired of her telling me that I "don't know how much she loves me". Love is a verb.........show me that you care! Spend time with me. Make love to me........kiss me with some passion. God, the passion between us in the past could have melted steel....what in the hell happened?
She's told me that she is not much of a partner and that I deserve better. She also says when her back is better that will change. I don't know if I believe that, we have had this issue for about 2 years now.....long before her back was a problem. She tells me that if I leave her she won't hold it against me, that she understands. I want my partner back, I feel like I want something I can't ever have.
I don't know what the answer is. Every night I go to bed telling myself that tommorow I'm going to pull away, give her a taste of her own medicine. And every morning I wake up and I can't, because I love her very much. I think I've had my head in the sand for so long about this because I'm usually so busy with work and school. But, I've had all this time on my hands lately and it's really in my face as to how seperate our lives have become. I'm looking forward to going back to work and classes starting back up. It's too hard on my heart to have this void staring me in the face every day.

Anyway, I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if things will change, I just really needed to get all that out.

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 1:01pm

I can't cry with Shelley because she gets very uncomfortable when people cry. Also, it just gets us arguing in never ending circles and I cannot emotionally go there with her all the time.

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Than just keep crying in front of her till you either stop crying or she leaves the room. Don't even bother telling her your pain if she didn't see what's in front of her.
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And she makes it impossible to even have a mature discussion because her answer is always "get a younger girlfriend"..........oy! That's NOT an answer!

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Seems like you two are in a different place mentally. After two years, you think of her as your wife but she still using the word girlfriend?? Does she consider you in a spousal sense or is she saying cheat on her with a younger lady?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 1:22pm

We've been together for 3 years, but have had alot of issues for the last 2, probably more actually. She considers me her spouse, the certificate is framed on the dresser in case she forgets! LOL The younger girlfriend comment........that's always her retort. That if I'm unhappy with our sex life (what a joke, we don't have one) that I should find a younger woman to keep up with me. She's 10 years older than I am. I feel like our ages have very little to do with our issues. It's just an easy excuse for her.

I have cried in front of her before, but she will usually leave the room after a few minutes. She's like this with everyone. We had a friend going through a really painful breakup and she was always over here, she really needed a shoulder to cry on. Shelley would leave and let me deal with it. She likes to say I am the heart of our coupling.........I am comfortable dealing with people on a very emotional level and she is not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 1:39pm

She likes to say I am the heart of our coupling.........I am comfortable dealing with people on a very emotional level and she is not.

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That's ok when it's concerning other couples but she should realize she also need to be another heart in your relationship. She must remember how her heart felt when she was dating you. How can she explained where that heart went.

I am sorry you are going through this.
Remember, others have gone through this tough relationship situation and came out the better. With or without their partner. (((HUGS)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:09pm

((((((Shannon)))))))


One of the things that jumped out at me in one of your posts was the word "resentment". I was thinking that you were probably getting to that point and when you're there, it's not a good place to be. It just gets worse if the other partner won't address the issues and be willing to work on them. My therapist helped me through that with my XH. Ultimately, things didn't work out, but she gave me some tools to deal with it.


Sounds like you have a good handle on all the issues. Sending lots of positive vibes your way as you figure out next steps.


Hugs


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:53pm

Hi Shannon,

I've been reading this post and all of the threads thereafter with great interest.

I'm of the mind, that if someone cheats on me the first time, then, I would have no reason to keep them in my life, much less marry them. Some of us knows how to forgive and move on. Infidelity in my book, is a cardinal sin, one that is not so easily forgiven. Me, personally, I would have to be pushed beyond human endurance to not have sex with my spouse, and to step outside the relationship, to relieve my tension in that area.

Now some folks would give their partner another try and work on trust as the years go by. But to go on with a relationship where there is no sexual activity with a person that they are in a monogamous relationship with, I'm sorry, I just think that's just plain sexually abusive.

I've been where you are, except I've been accused of infidelity, but I've never committed such a crime. The woman that I was involved with, did it behind my back, and out of guilt she refused to have sex with me. So, when she left our home, and continued to do what she wanted to do, is when my human endurance was surpassed, and I did what I wanted to do. When she asked me if I was going to do it again, I responded, in plain english, "Yes". I consider myself to be an incurable romantic, but when the rose-colored glasses are taken off and reality sets in, I have to do what I need to do for myself. Move on, or step outside my committed relationship.

I don't condone infidelity, not at all. But enough is enough. Call her bluff. I'm not suggesting that you actively seek out, anyone, sexually, outside of your marriage. But let her see what she will be missing if she keeps pushing you away.

But, you have your own mind.

{{{{{{{{{{Shannon}}}}}}}}}}

Hold on, you'll be ok.

Sebastian

Edited 8/22/2007 2:56 pm ET by igentleheart

Edited 8/22/2007 2:57 pm ET by igentleheart




Edited 8/22/2007 3:00 pm ET by igentleheart

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 6:10pm
I can only say that I agree that your age difference has nothing to do with your issues.

 PPCLSIG.jpg picture by CalyD44

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 6:19pm

Hey Seb, thanks for the hugs.

I know alot of people think it's stupid to forgive infidelity. At the time I REALLY struggled with what to do. In the end I followed my heart, I wasn't ready to walk away from her. Also, the fact that it was only 1 time and that she confessed the very next day played a part in my decision. She knows that if it ever happened again I would be gone.......no discussion. Forgiving and forgetting aren't the same thing.........I have forgiven her but I haven't forgotten.

That is not when our problems started though. We had a few months afterwards that were very very rough, but it's only been last year and this year that the sex issue has been really bad. I've heard so many excuses I don't know which ones are real and which are merely convienet. I've made it clear to her that this needs to change in order for us to have a future. But, only time will tell what happens.

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 6:47pm

I agree, Caly. I try and keep my dance card full! LOL

Seriously, there are just other issues at play here. The sex thing is a cover.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:46am
I am sending ((((Hugs Shannon))))..I won't give any advice..I am still as I have found lately.. healing from wounds and things that surface for myself in my relationship..(Just today I fell to that and was way angry and lashed out. but things are ok now)..

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 8:12am

(((Designergrl)))

I am sorry you are having a tough time...this too shall pass.

Hugs

Roxy

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