Curious Question
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| Sat, 08-25-2007 - 2:44pm |
From the threads I have read since I've been here, it seems the majority of you came out later in life. I read once, in a lesbian research book, that woman do not have sexuality until their mid 20s-early 30s. The jest of the book was that from the moment we are born we are trained to be girls, wives, mothers, caretakers and to take care of the man's needs while not considering our own needs. It isn't until we mature and begin the discover who we really are inside (usually starting in the 20s)that we also begin to realize we are sexual beings as well. Thus never really have formed a gender preference we are attracted to, rather, going with what we have always known and were taught.
Here is my question.
If dating was removed as an option, say until age 21 do you feel at that age your attraction towards women would have been more prominent? Meaning if all the pressure of having to have boyfriend/future husband was removed up until age 21, do you think you would have discovered your lesbian sexuality sooner?
To answer my own question.....YES! I would have definitely figured it out before making the mistakes I did. I completely dismissed my attractions towards women because it was never the "normal" way of being. Is wasn't until I was mature enough to realize I have feelings for another woman and it IS all right to feel that way. I can live my life and be true to myself and it isn't anyone else's business unless it is harmful to others.

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Hi Moon!
Interesting question, thanks for asking it.
From my personal experience I have found that most lesbians 'knew' they were gay earlier in their life (for me it was about 13) but don't come out because of fear, or societal pressure, or a combination of things.
Hmmm, well I "knew" I was a lesbian at 11 years old. I didn't know the word for it, but I knew I liked girls in a romantic way. I was 13 or 14 when I first heard the word lesbian and knew that was the word for how I was feeling. My first romantic and sexual relationships were with women, I had my first real girlfriend at 19. Fast forward to my mid 20's. I had never really came out to my family and no one asked. I had been through a pretty nasty breakup with a woman and my heart was broken. I had alot of pressure from my Mom to get married. I wanted to have kids, was too afraid to come out, and too heart broken to pursue another woman. So, I met a man and got married at 26. I knew I was a lesbian, and he knew I had been with women in the past. I met a woman at work and we were good friends for about a year before I told her how I really felt about her. A few weeks later I left my husband, we had been married for less than 2 years. That was 3 years ago. I am still with the woman I left my marriage for, and we are married(as close as you can get here in California, domestic partners) I am out to all my friends and family and live my life very openly as a lesbian.
I wish I had been so open with my sexuality when I was younger and had not "gone with the flow" and gotten married. It was the biggest mistake of my life. But, maybe that was the path I had to take to find my way? I wish that it was not assumed I was straight. I wish one of my sisters had shared their feelings with me that I was a lesbian, because I would have come out to them and then the rest of the family at a much younger age. But, they figured I would tell them when I was ready.
Shannon
This is an interesting question, mooondaizy.
At age 5 I knew that I wasn't like the other little girls, but I didn't know what a lesbian was. I just went with my feelings. Of course, my story is a bit deeper and has many layers to it. I didn't come out until I was 18 yrs old and I had graduated from high school. That book that you read sounds pretty interesting, because my mom was very careful about me "taking care of" guys. My mom always taught me that I'm supposed to work together and not take care of anyone.
When early adolescence reared it's rosy head, my mom, and rightfully so, but then again, it wasn't necessary, watched me like a hawk. The reason why I say it wasn't necessary is because, I had no interest in boys, but the girls, watch out!!! LOL! When I went out on my first date with a woman, I was maybe 19 or 20, and I didn't know what to do. lol!
I never dismissed my attraction to women, in fact, I did all of the "teenage" things to attract a woman, until I realized that if a woman doesn't like me for who I am and for not what I can give her, then she's not worth my time.
But as I grew older and started posting here, I realized the fact of my transexualism, and I eased into it, it was like I was putting on on old familiar pair of shoes.
Thanks and friendly hugs,
Sebastian
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
well for me, I had gender identity issues for as long as I can remember- probably from about 5 years old. I was convinced I was meant to be a boy and at that age if someone had offerred me that choice, I would have taken it. Into my teens, I went to an all girls school and I think that alleviated some of the "i want to be one of the boys" feelings and I grew to accept ok, so maybe I could just make the most of what I have got.
I never liked the word "lesbian" and although I knew that was what I was... I didn't go along with that because I was afraid of the reception I would get from my close friends. I was really only interested in one of them, but I was worried my friends would think I was hitting on them whenever I was being nice, lol. Sounds funny now, but was a very real fear for someone who didn't make any friends til her teens. I did have 1 friend through primary school. His name was Paul, he now has a boyfriend and belongs to some strip revue group.
Then my nephew was born. I never thought I wanted kids, but when he was almost 7 my sister moved away so to cut a long story short, I picked a male friend, figured we got along well enough and got drunk enough to embark on starting my own family.
Looking back- I have no regrets about having children. I think when I thought I should have been a boy I hadn't considered that boys turn into men and I never had any desire to be a man. I am happy enough in my own skin these days and have found my niche in being a boyish, soft butchy girl. I know I am female but I am comfortable wearing mens clothes- not because I am trying to be a man, but because they tend to fit my physique better! I no longer want a sex change operation but wouldn't say no to a breast reduction....!
My partner has a theory about coming out later in life. She believes that if you look back at the beginnings of society family groups consisted mainly of women bringing up children together. She says it goes back to the basics - survival of the species.
Men tended not to live very long as they tend to do more stupid things than women. Men still do though their life expectancy seems to have increased some. Probably due more to the advancement in medicine than them doing less stupid things... and because humans tend to be geared to parent in pairs and it's easier for 2 women to raise 4 children between them than 2 children each- it made sense to have the ability to pair up with women to ensure survival of their offspring and pass on genetics to a new generation.
Her theory is that if you were to do away with religion and all other forms of objection, the natural order of things would be that women pair up with men to reproduce then pair up with women to raise their children.
****If dating was removed as an option, say until age 21 do you feel at that age your attraction towards women would have been more prominent? Meaning if all the pressure of having to have boyfriend/future husband was removed up until age 21, do you think you would have discovered your lesbian sexuality sooner?****
I was in my early teens when I realized something shocking about myself. It hit me how deeply I felt about friends occasionally, how close I really wanted to be to them... and I thought, 'I am a FREAK'... cos I really didn't know the word lesbian or connect it to my feelings.
And I turned and ran the other way as fast as I could. At 17 I moved in with my only boyfriend, married him a few years later and we had gorgeous kids. Late to mid 20's, I realized I was eyeballing women again, lusting after them and still I thought I must be a freak, because that's ALL I thought about in bed!
Somewhere it hit me, lesbian! I still didn't believe it, I was married.. but the longer I whispered the word inside my head, the better it fit. For a while, I tried to buffer myself, thinking I must be bisexual. But I threw that idea to the curb soon enough, realizing I didn't desire men, my own included. Lesbian fit too well to ignore.
I think, if the social stigma wasn't there, if we could count on finding our friends and families more accepting, we would find ourselves sooner. I would have.
I like your question, moondaizy. If I haven't said hello yet, welcome to the board!
Ya know what all those women said before me. Yeah.
Knew about 13, maybe before. No name to it.
Knew again in college-but dated and married a boy, ya know, "the right thing."
Knew again in the late 80's
Well, here we are. Came out to family two weeks and two days ago. Family is falling apart(changing, Caly would say).
Will probably be divorced by the end of the year and a relieved with it.
Was called an abomination yesterday, was told that they could make a "woman" of me. Actually heard somebody say "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" out loud yelling at me, no joke(as we sometimes do). Met some new gay friends also, yesterday.
So, school begins tomorrow. More fun in the works.
Blue
OMG where were you yesterday? Are you ok?
Shannon
I'm fine, babe. I was "out of town." We went to an outdoor art festival. That was the first time since I have been out that I have experienced that kind of hatred. The bad part was that while all of this shouting was going on we began to attract the attention of people around. We couldn't cross the street and get away, 'cause traffic would not let us pass. I know it didn't last very long, but it seemed like forever and it made me feel awful. My friend was laughing at them, but my mind went stupid. We went to a birthday party after that, and I was fine, but later on in the night, I wasn't. I couldn't sleep so I went outside to sit with myself. I cried a little bit, sang myself some sad songs, and then went to bed. It does give you pause, though. It's all kind of new for me on this side of the line. I'm tough. "I get knocked down, but I get up again..."
I used to volunteer for Planned Parenthood. I was going to a formal dinner for them one evening and the protestors were out. They shouted all kinds of awful things, too, but I was in a large group of people and it didn't bother me as much. This time was only the two of us, although I saw plenty of other family around. Had a nice weekend, though.
Hugs
Blue
Ahhh the stupidity of the masses! I've only had that experiance once. Back before my gay pride bumper sticker got ripped off my car. I was leaving the drug store at night and some teenagers on bikes followed me to the car. They saw my bumper sticker and started screaming dyke, f****** dyke! I got in the car and hauled my butt out of there.
I hope the rest of the weekend was good,
Shannon
Well, if this is the only bad experience I have, I'm glad to get it out of the way now.
Blue
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