Would you want to know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Would you want to know?
44
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 3:19pm
I have a friend who has lived with the same roommate for 10+ years and many people suspect that they are a couple. I'm certain they're not ready to come out if they are and I want to respect their privacy. As a very close friend to one of them though, I almost feel like she should KNOW that she and her roomie do come accross as a couple...but would this be an appropriate topic of conversation to have with her, or should I not even go there?!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 5:15pm

If it were me i would not go there. Love can be such as sacred thing. IMHO, if they want to keep it to themselves, they should be respected.

If she really wanted to talk to you about it, she would. Maybe she sense she will be judged?

Thanks for asking the question!

Megan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 5:20pm

I think that if they are a couple, it is their business and they will tell people when/if they are ready. I will tell you that if they are not a couple, I think they already know that some people will perceive them as such and they probably don't care.

Are you sure it's not just you who really, really wants/needs to know? There is no judgement in this question, but an opportunity for you to reflect.

Good Question

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 5:31pm

That is a good point - I'm glad you brought it up. It very well could be ME who wants to know, as I've been friends with her for over 15 years and I've always felt that I've known her very well. We've always been close friends. I feel bad because I really think she's starting to live this secret life and is shutting a lot of people out. She's been caught in a few lies here and there by me and another close friend and she was NEVER the type to lie. She also makes a lot of excuses. She keeps talking about wanting to find a man, but she never does anything about it, so we're left assuming that this is a cover-up, since all other outwardly visable signs point to her and her roommate being a couple.

As for being judgemental, maybe I am. I'd like to think that I'm not and I would be overjoyed and thrilled for my friend when and if she chooses to come out. I suppose she could be worrying about other friends though...and correct me if I'm wrong...if you come out to one person, you pretty much are choosing to come out altogether, correct? Unless, of course, you kill them afterward. Kidding...but honestly, it's risky business sharing a secret that big with ANYONE aside from a counselor or a religious figure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 5:37pm

I would not go there. Some people are very private and I try to respect that. I had a coworker like that who had the same "roomate" for 30 years.........lol. I saw them in the grocery store together one day and after that she told me they were partners and begged me not to tell anyone. This was before I came out, so I don't know why she told me. Maybe I set off her gaydar?

I've never approached anyone about their sexuality, everyone comes out in their own way and time.

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 5:59pm

Funny you should say that.

When you first utter the words, whatever you choose to say, you can never "unring" that bell. I do know people who belong to an "exgay" group, but I seriously can't wrap my head around that concept. I think that they are fooling themselves.

The very first people I told after a truly bad experience were very carefully chosen and I told them jokingly that "I knew where they lived." I came out to a very close friend today and she will be the last one that I just up and tell. I think she was hurt that she was the last, but she has always made a lot of gay jokes and I thought she might have loose lips when she drinks. I had to make that call myself for my own protection and personal feelings.

If your friend is a lesbian and they are a couple, she will tell you in her own time. She won't speak until she is ready. Don't feel bad for your friend. She's a big girl, making big girl decisions all on her own. She may just be fooling herself into thinking that nobody notices, and that's fine. Let her live that dream. It's okay, really.

It's okay for you to be the friend who knows last or never knows. Just continue to be the best friend you can be. If you are having problems, may chill for awhile. She'll come around.

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 6:00pm

"if you come out to one person, you pretty much are choosing to come out altogether, correct"...um nope. Not in my experience. You just have to know who to trust. If you knew...if she told you and said dont tell anyone else? Would you?

I came out in stages...and I am not out to my sibs...they are very religious and right now I think they worry I was going to burn in hell fire damnation. I just dont want them to worry.

Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 6:02pm

"Maybe I set off her gaydar? " Oh yeah ding ding ding ding!!! Lol! That is the sound of the gaydar going off! *smile*

Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 6:04pm

Blue...! You give good post! lol

*wink*

Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 6:06pm

Nah, Roxy, with Irish it's "ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling" ROFL

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 6:08pm
I guess I'm feeling hurt now to think that I wouldn't be one of the first people she'd come out to. I know I shouldn't feel that way...but we've been friends for so long. Maybe she feels that we share too many mutual friends and IS worried that I would tell others. I hate to think that she doesn't trust me, but if she doesn't, she doesn't. Or maybe it IS just a matter of her not being ready because she's scared of my potential reaction, or she just isn't ready, period. I can totally picture others knowing though. I could be wrong about this, but it wouldn't surprise me. I will respect her reasons, whatever they are and will be patient. Thanks everyone for your input.

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