Why am I always the bad guy?
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| Tue, 08-28-2007 - 11:29pm |
Sorry guys, this is just me venting more about Shelley. After school today she asked me to make dinner for 6pm and we would eat together. That is a rare occurance, we don't eat together very often because she is always playing her computer games. So, dinner is ready at 6pm. She tells me another 30 minutes, fine. After an hour I ate alone, packed everything away and did the dishes. Now she's angry with me because I'm upset with her. I kept asking her why she couldn't just tell her little gaming buddies that she had to go eat? Because she doesn't want to dissapoint them. Are you kidding me? So it's ok to hurt me, but not her little online gaming friends? It's ok to disrespect me on a daily basis, but not them? This isn't anything new, but my patience for it has worn really really thin.
So, now I'm the bad guy for not being more understanding. On top of that I came home to a HUGE mess in the house. I know she's got a very bad back right now. I don't expect her to do anything in the house(she never has, even when her back was fine) I just want her to clean up after herself. You know.....dishes in the sink, garbage in the trash, laundry in the hamper. I didn't realize I was asking for the sun and the moon?
All of this is just a symptom of deeper problems that we have, mostly her lack of respect for me.
God, how did we get here? If you had told me 3 years ago that this is what would be happening now, I never would have believed you. I thought we had the makings of a lesbian fairy tale.......maybe we didn't. Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see. I don't know anymore........
Shannon


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C >^. A .
Thanks for the hugs Cat, I appreciate it. I'm sure everyone is sick of my sniveling by now, but I can't help it. I can't even cry about it anymore, I just feel empty. I love her so much, but that may not be enough. I need her to give some of that love back to me and treat me the way I treat her. I'm numb right now...........
Shannon
Dont' forget to BREATHE, baby. Brrreeeaaattthhheee. And take care of yourself. Maybe a nice bubble bath with candles, nice music in the headphones.But I get where you are.
Brandy
"Thoughts are things! Think Good ones!"
*hugs* Shannon, yes that was disrespectful of her to do that. You aren't the bad guy, sounds like she's trying to throw her own guilty feelings onto you. =(
I wish you could find a way to talk to her. Keep your chin up!
This is just my opinion and I lay no claim to being an expert of any kind, but what you are dealing with Shannon, is an addiction. Like any other addiction, once you get started on it, you get sucked in by it and it's very difficult to pull yourself away from it.
I have lived through this, as the addicted person and living with an addicted person (as I currently do). I needed to have it spelled out to me. At the time I formed the internet addiction I didn't have a lot of friends irl- I lived in a small town and had very little in common with everyone else. I was doing a similar thing as your partner- only I was a solo parent and it was my kids who were missing out. I would go to make them dinner and think the same thing- just half an hour more....
I gave myself a fright when I was late picking the kids up from school. I didn't know where they were and I panicked. They had walked to their father's place and everything was ok but I had to seriously rethink what I was doing on the computer. I had to set myself boundaries and learn to stay within them.
My partner is addicted to the internet- message boards, im's and chat rooms mainly. I was feeling the same way you are- I ask her something, she begins to answer and then is distracted by something someone said to her online... I became invisible. I try to talk to her about something that is important to me but it's obviously not as important as what she is doing online. Then I got to wondering if she wasn't having an online affair with one of the people she was chatting with...so I started looking for little hints that would support that theory. Closing chat windows when I enter the room, positioning the computer so that I couldn't read over her shoulder, getting up after I had gone to bed to chat some more.... it was really ticking me off!
I tried joining the message board she posts on. I thought maybe I could get to know some of her friends as well and that would make it a bit easier but what I didn't expect was that they wouldn't like me very much, a lot of them were rude and one woman was downright nasty. It made it even harder for me to understand why she is doing this?
In the end, I confronted her. I told her how this is making me feel. She insists there is nothing going on, she had the idea that it was the other way around. She was playing online because I was ignoring her?!?! The odd hours were because most of her friends live in the states and it's the time zone thing. She had reasonable excuses for all of it, but knowing how I feel we set some boundaries. She admitted it was an addiction.
We are still working through it. I need to tell her when I am feeling shut out. Things are improving. She is working on the computer most of the time anyway- she is working on a thesis which is well overdue. She is on her 3rd extension. She would like to blame the change in her circumstances but at the end of the day, it's her. I am not getting my hopes up that she will pass her degree. If she doesn't, she has no one to blame but herself.
I work long hours and like you, was coming home to housework. I don't expect her to do the housework but I have let her know that I do appreciate it when she puts on a load of laundry or does some dishes. Actually she is pretty good, will often do all the laundry and dishes and is quite happy to drive the kids around.
I think you need to spell this out to Shelley. She has a life which is more important than the game she is playing. I think she needs to hear what this is doing to you and I think you two need to work out some sort of compromise.
{{{{{{Shannon}}}}}} I hope you two can work this out.
{{{{{{{{{{Shannon}}}}}}}}}} Keep venting, keep taking care of yourself. When you get tired of taking care of a grown woman, then you'll get tired of taking care of a grown woman.
I wouldn't feel like I'm the bad guy just because I want to spend time with my honey, but then when I was in a relationship, there were no computers, but there was the tv and such.
I didn't hide in the tv, I slept most of the time, of course, when you work 12hr a day that's what happens.
So, when you get tired of taking care of a grown woman, then you'll get tired of taking care of a grown woman.
Thanks and hugs,
Sebastian
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
I think this are such wise words mschiffven. My instincs were the same as yours, though i dont have that experience. I do live with a recovering Alki but he has been in complete recovery the entire time we have been together and prior to that. His recovery is 16 years and counting.
I have read and read a lot about addiction and attended alanon meetings. This may not be alcohol, but like you say, mschiffven, it really reads, feels and acts like an addiction. That addiction hurts everyone who is close to the addicted person. Plus it is very common for the addicted person to 1) be in denial about their addiction and 2) to not take personal responsibility for the actions and will blame *everyone* else around them (not a very endearing trait at all.
Sweet sweet women (((hugs))) you both deserve partners who actively participate in helping around the house!!! What is going on with that? You both work hard, and do most if not all of the housework and cooking and this is ignored or not appreacited fully by your partners!
It hurts to read about it. I hate to see Loves being taken for grated. Does your partner also work mschiffven? When i did graduate work and completed my degree I also work. I dont know how you can have time for any recreational computer time what so ever? It was so intense and required dedication and commitment. I would wake up at 4 am some times to do course work.
Oh ((Shannon)) I am so sorry. This must hurtt so much. Seb and MsC gave you some wise words. You are *not* the bad guy at all. You deserve the sun and the moon..!
Hugs
Roxy
((((((((Shannon)))))))))
I am so sorry, but you are definitely not being the bad guy, she is just taking advantage of you 8-(
Wish there was something more I could say, but I am sending lots of hugs!
*Hugs
How awful! I am sorry this is going so bad for you. You have to start putting your foot down about dinner and some of the other things like the mess etc. If she still does not respect you then maybe it is time to move on. You deserve better than this and you can have better than this.
After three years with my ex I decided to move on it just kept getting worse for me. Then I found Sheila. And 10 years later we are doing great. That is not to say we have not had some bumps in the road. Just not long lasting things that kept getting worse instead of better. And the one important thing we always have is respect.
Shelly is taking advantage of you and putting other's first.
Put your foot down about dinner to start with and see what happens.
That is not asking much at all.
Hugs,
Laurie
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