Uncle

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Registered: 05-20-2007
Uncle
40
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 11:58am

Is it too soon to give up? You know-give up on this being out thereNow, I know I'm gay, no problem there. Paid lots o' $ in therapy to come to that conclusion. And I know that I have already whined on here about the dating scene. But I am really realizing that women are harder than men. Can I just say that here? Women are freakin complicated.

I am a very low drama person-I know-not very female. I grew up with 4 brothers and I think that's one reason why men are easier. Now-I don't mean I want to be with a man again in that way. But I'm wondering if there are enough women out there to choose from who I can relate to without all the damn drama.

I won't go into details as to why I'm feeling this way. I think I'm also terrified because I know my feelings for women have always been so intense-and they were never that way for men. Am I really prepared to deal with those feelings for real-not just the recent crush I've had-which is pretty damn intense.

I feel like crying uncle now. I can already hear the responses-it's not been that long. My new therapist was saying the unusual thing about lesbians is that our pool of friends is the same as our pool of potential lovers. I don't know why I mention that-other than that this is so new to me and I feel lost.

So one thing that really did get to me yesterday is this friend I had met at the LGBT center accused me of threatening her. She said I threatened to tell of her secret love for another woman that I happen to know. I was floored by her accusation and really hurt because she was one of my first gay friends and has introduced me to others. It's so not me to threaten someone-it's the antithesis of me. I'm so freakin loyal that sometimes I forget myself. So I'm just so hurt and feeling like running back into the closet.

Okay-thanks for listening.

Hugs,

Amy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
In reply to: passiongrl
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 12:31pm

{{{{{{Amy}}}}}}}} You know, your therapist is right. It reminds me of a joke......"What's the lesbian word for foreplay?" "Friendship"

Most likely any woman you begin dating will be from a pool of friends, or a friend of a friend kind of thing. I hate drama with a passion and sometimes with a woman there is ALOT of it. In terms of dating the only remedy is to really look for someone who is upfront with their feelings and their expectations. I think that can cut down on alot of drama when dating, and also you being really upfront about what you want. Women ARE harder though, more complex. Also, no one in this world can hurt you like a woman you care about. Maybe it's because we form such deep connections with women?

I haven't had alot of dyke drama with lesbians I am friends with. We love each other, support each other, drive each other slightly nuts at times......but not much drama. I'm not sure where your friend's accusation is coming from? Maybe a miscommunication? If you can maybe you should have a private talk with her, see why she thinks you did this. It may just be a misunderstanding that you can work out as friends.

{{{{{Amy}}}}}} It's not always an easy road, but we are here to listen.

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
In reply to: passiongrl
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 12:49pm

Hi Shannon. I was just sitting here thinking how a woman really knows your vulnerability in a way a man just can't-and that's what makes it so scary. The potential pain is so much greater-but I also know the potential love is like no other. Ah-life.

This woman and I did talk about it. I know where her accusation is coming from-it was totally misconstrued and her reaction is just totally uncalled for and hurt me because it's so unlike me-what she accused me of. We did talk about it, and the end she seems to be holding on to it. I guess that's what hurts the most. I can usually get someone to see what I really meant and who I really am, and she's not giving in. I do know that's about her and not me. But I don't have a lot of lesbian friends right now and worry about alienating anyone when I'm just starting out. It was so hard to jump in there as it is.

Thanks for chiming in. I've wanted to respond to you and what you're going through with Shelley, but lately I've felt inadequate with helping anyone else! This damn roller coaster ride. The other thing is that I was just getting ready to come out to my family-really feel like it's time and I needed the support of my gay friends when the fallout comes. Now I worry about making that move and having no one to back me up.

Oh-and PMS-does that make it worse?

Hugs,

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
In reply to: passiongrl
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 12:56pm

The PMS does seem to make everything harder, doesn't it? You are right, a woman does know your vulnerability and it's scary. The potential love, I cannot even describe it. Regardless of what has happened with Shelley and I, I have no regrets. I followed my heart and it drew me to her. It's a love like I have never before experianced, I can't describe it.

Good luck coming out to your family, I hope it goes well. They may suprise you, 90% of my family responded with........duh! we've always known, when I came out. lol

It gets easier, it just takes some time.

Big hugs for you,

Shannon

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Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: passiongrl
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 12:57pm

"women are harder than men" Oh yes they are!!! I echo that. I am low drama too. But women are so complicated...god i feel for men who love women!

Hugs
Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: passiongrl
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:00pm

Lordy Amy...what in the world made her say that???!!!

How could she misunderstand that...is it rumormill gone mad?

I am sorry...how upsetting

Hugs
Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
In reply to: passiongrl
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:56pm

It's funny-both you and Shannon say you are low drama. That's 2 for 2 for who's reponded. But I have run into enough drama already to make me want to hide in my apt-or only connect with lesbians here!

Hugs,

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: passiongrl
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 3:00pm

(((((((Amy)))))))


I also agree with what your therapist said, and we have a group of friends now, most of whom have slept together. So, the stereotype is true to some extent.


We were talking to one of our friends on Saturday night about the drama. She has been out for 20+ years and has slept with many, many women over the years. She said exactly what we have all speculated here - women's emotions and feelings are so much more intense than men's. We hurt deeply and love deeply. We are passionate and giving. I can see how co-dependency could be

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
In reply to: passiongrl
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 3:08pm

Hi Ting. I'm amazed at how open women are at telling me how many women they've slept with. I'm not passing judgement as much as I'm amazed! I guess we do just connect faster and deeper and don't need to wait as long to go there?!

I have so much to learn! So, I'm holding out hope that there are lots of women out there without the drama. I guess if my life were less complicated-as in no kids or stbxh to deal with, I could have more tolerance for the drama. But probably not-it's never been my thing.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Hugs,

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: passiongrl
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 3:15pm

Another thing I was going to mention is that part of the drama involves jealousy - because we are so passionate about and protective of our lovers. Our friend told us that it is very easy to be picked up by women. Caly and I could be

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
In reply to: passiongrl
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 3:24pm

YES! I can't believe how easy it would be to be picked up in literally minutes. Now, I guess you could take that in a flattering way, but somehow it's scary as hell. I mean, can I just sit down and take one drink of beer before you're rubbing up against me?

I guess I will learn as I go along. It's so tempting to either not be out there, or to just find someone NOW-so I don't have to worry about it. Is that part of the Uhaul syndrome?

Thanks for sharing Ting. You all are better than a manual!

Hugs,

Amy

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