Musings..............

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Musings..............
11
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 11:22pm

I've spent the last 3 years putting all of my soul into making someone else happy with very little thought of myself. Now I have to find myself again and make myself happy. I've been doing alot of journaling and thinking. It's hard, it's like putting yourself through the ringer emotionally over and over again. The biggest question I've asked myself is why did I allow this to happen. Certainly I have no control over Shelley, but I have control over me. Why have I held on to a troubled relationship with such a death grip? I know it's not fear of being alone. I'm not afraid to be alone. So what's my problem? I don't think I ever believed I deserved more. I mean from the outside we look perfect. We have a cute house, good jobs, 2 dogs and 2 cats........the lesbian dream minus the picket fence. LOL From the outside we look like best friends, I suppose we are in some ways.

I deserve more. I have alot to give the right woman and I deserve the same in return. It's not enough to have someone who says they love me. I need someone who shows that freely and frequently. Someone who backs up the I love you's with actions that speak louder than words.

I hope no one minds me posting this. I'm just working through my own head these days and sometimes it just feels enormous. LIke more than 1 person can bear..........

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 2:09am

You DO deserve more Shannon! I'm glad you are recognizing this about yourself.

A relationship is a two-way street. Sometimes one partner leans a little more on the other, and other times it is the other way around. However, all the rest is a joint 50/50 partnership and 1 person cannot carry it alone. It sounds to me like you've been doing all the carrying for a very long time. It just won't work that way. Unless Shelley decides she wants to be a part of it, there is little else you can do other than love yourself enough to move on. We can't change other people...we can only change ourselves. Seems like Shelley just isn't willing to make the changes to keep her 50% in the relationship alive and well.

You deserve to love yourself and take care of YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 7:45am

Well, Shannon, thanks for sharing your thoughts. At least in the 3 years that you've been in your relationship, you can recognize that somethings aren't going the way that you think that they should go.

I'm just sharing my experience. When I was in a relationship with a woman that obviously didn't want to be with me, I hoped against hope. Well 5 years later, and after many emotional scars, I've learned my lesson. It hasn't stopped me from being a loving person, just a very, very cautious one. It takes a person with a sensitive heart to be able to love someone that obviously doesn't want anything else, romantically, to do with them. (Now remember this is my experience).

Today, I'm very, very choosy about who I give my heart to, and I have a right to be loved by a woman that isn't selfish, self-centered, and abusive. When I posted my 100 things about me, I meant what I said "I'm not above going to an online dating service to find my true sweetheart". I'm just sharing my thoughts with you.

But, please, continue to share your musings with us.

Hugs,

Sebastian

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:18am
Shannon,
I have been in your shoes. At one point I shut down almost completely and was ready to leave this relationship for the very same reason.
I am so glad I didn't.
There could be problems with her libido from her meds. You mentioned before that Shelly is diabetic and bipolar. If she is on meds etc this alone can cause her to have a low libido.
also depression can cause low libido.
You have to think about the relationship and Shelly too. Do you want her in your life forever. Can you live like this forever.
If not, then maybe it is time to move on.
I made the decision to stay. I am glad I did. We went a couple of years without sex and it killed me.
I finally got to the root of the problem but it still did not "fix" the problem completely. I thought she was no longer in love with me. She swears there is no room in her heart for anyone else and that if I would leave her it would just kill her.
She finally went to the doctor and found some hormonal and female issues that can be causing her to have a low libido.
I have decided to live with it because I love her so much and I know she loves me so much.
I also know that there are times when we do make love that really count. I cherish those times very much.
We have other intimate moments now that we didn't used to have because she was afraid I would think it would have to sex and she was not up for it.
I have told her that kissing and holding etc does not have to lead to sex all the time and now she does not shut me out like she did before. She even initiates the kissing etc.
I don't pressure her for sex. I let her decide when it is going to happen. I have to take care of things myself at times but that is ok.
I hate to hear you feeling unloved or shut out. I hope you and Shelly can work through this.
If not, and you just need more than she is willing to give you then you might have to move on sweetie.
You are still young enough to find love again. We all are here.
Shelly has to be willing to talk about this and tell you the root of her problem without all the excuses. I put my foot down when it came to excuses and let her know that this was serious enough to end our relationship if she was not going to tell me the truth.
In our case she started to talk. But she knew I was serious.
This would be the only glitch in our relationship and I no longer make an issue out of it. since then we do make love at times but not like every week. And it goes in spurts.
We do share skin time and make out and enjoy each other in many ways though. I think that is becuase we agreed that not all intimate times have to lead to the actual act of sex.
Well, enough out of me.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:51am

Shelley and I had it out last night, and I ended up feeling like a monster. We were talking about how stressed out I feel right now. Basically I was asking her to try and pick up some of the slack here in the house. She started complaining that I complain too much. So I told her I would deal with this the way I've dealt with everything the last 3 years.......on my own. NOW, I went for the jugular, I admit it. I was hurting and I was cruel.......I'm never cruel. I thought she was going to cry. She and I see "being there" for someone in 2 differant ways. I don't know, just seeing that vulnerability from her has softened my heart to her again. I could also see alot of pain she is holding in, that she won't share with me. I need to work on her with that, if she's willing.
As far as her meds go........I don't think it's any of them. She's no longer on psych meds, just an anti anxiety as needed. She takes Metformin for her diabetes and her hemoglobin A1C has come back at nondiabetic levels for the last 2 years.......!
I don't know what to think right now...........I want to hold her and make it all better.

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 11:11am

(((((((Shannon)))))))


Sounds like you are so conflicted right now. I'm sooo sorry. Right now you have to be honest with Shelley, as hard as it is for both of you, or the chance that things will work out will lessen.


Stay strong! It'll be ok.


Hugs


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 11:27am
You know, we went through these same ups and downs. I would feel alone then I would lash out then I would feel like a heel and she would be so hurt.
I could not take it anymore. Finally we really talked about it because I said that I needed to really know if she was just here because she did not want me but did not want me with anyone else either. I told her I was going to move on if something did not change.
We both cried alot and talked about it. She still feels she is in love with me just has a low libido and not interested in sex. She like to be intimate but does not want to lead me on to think it is going to be sexualy involved so she would not let me in at all. This all happened a few years ago.
She also admitted that our weight gain hadmade her less interested in sex by not feeling sexy anymore. So, that was something we could change right then. I have and she has been working on that.
the other intimacies such as kissing, holding, cuddling etc, are going very well because we know that it does not always have to mean sex. I stopped pressuring her for sex too. Now, we have a sex life but let me tell you it did not come right away. And it is not as much as I would like either, but at least it is there.
I have been happy now though and I know we love each other very much. I won't blame myself for our lack of sex. I am doing my part.
I also dedicate alot of time to taking care of me now so I think that helps too. I feel better about myself than ever before. Even though I am on disability. (That depressed me for a long time.)
You need to find a way to get her to really talk to you about what is going on here. She needs no you deserve that much.
I hope it works out, but if not, I hope you have the strength to move on before it goes on to long.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 7:55pm

Thanks for the hugs! I am conflicted, to say the least. Somedays I just want to walk away and others I want to stick it out and work on it. For now I just want to not have to think about it. I know that sounds lame, but it's so emotionally draining. I need my energy for school, this is such a vital semester for me. I have worked too darn hard to undermine all that by dwelling in my sadness too much. So for now I guess we'll just see what happens and go from there.

I took a small step today in working for my own happiness. I'm a foodie, there isn't much I won't eat. Shelley hates the smell of alot of things I love......lamb, smoked oysters, sardines, anchovies, etc. For 3 years I haven't eaten any of that because of her objections. When I was grocery shopping this morning I bought it all! In fact, I just ate a can of sardines........so good! She says she won't kiss me now. Oh well, her loss.......I'm a freaking awesome kisser! lol

Shannon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:54pm

{{{{{Shannon}}}}} I could have posted this same post a couple of years ago. I was in a relationship with a selfish woman. I kidded myself that she really cared about me although it was probably no more than a relationship of convenience for her.
I felt increasingly pushed aside and it became apparent that my feelings counted for diddly squat. She would do just enough to keep me hanging around, but not until I was on the verge of leaving. Even so, eventually it was her who came out and said she can't do this anymore. The relationship was realistically over long before, it just needed one of us to come out and say so. (we were together close to 3 years)

Looking back, I kick myself for hanging in there so long. I don't understand how I could let someone treat me so badly and then keep going back for more.
She played dirty tricks on me and almost had me believing that no one else would have me. She criticized almost everything that I did, put me and the kids down all the time... it was a relief to get out for the sake of the kids if nothing else.

I was out and dating not even a month before I met my partner. Neither of us were looking for a relationship at the time... I was only looking to make friends of the "unavailable" variety. One of the first things she said to me when we first met in person was that she was surprised I didn't have a whole queue of women waiting to go out with me... lol

So while YOU are putting all this effort into your dead end relationship, those women out *there* are missing out!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 12:14pm

I know that you have spent the summer agonizing over this situation. You know how I feel. I think that relationships are two way streets. It's okay to back off for awhile and let the other search for whatever it seems it is that they have lost, but eventually she has to come back around. I know you have been waiting for Shelley to come "back around." I can't tell you to go out on your own, but I am glad that you kind of had it "out" with her.

Take care of you, babe.

Hugs

Blue

BLUE DIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 6:58pm

Thanks hon.........

We've been having it out alot in the past few days, some confrontational, some not. It's such a game, as soon as I pull away she's all over me like white on rice. I just don't get it....I hate games!I'm not a game player.If I love someone I say so. If I care about someone I say so. I am an open book and I wear my heart on my sleeve. She's been extremely attentive today? I think some of it is me pulling away from her. I think she also realizes how stressed I am right now. It's slowly dawning on her how freaking hard I work and how little down time I truly have. I showed her my schedule for the next week and she said it was too ambitious......well I don't have a choice! It all must be done. So, maybe she's realizing.......maybe not. At this point it's more about me figuring myself out and deciding what I want. I can no longer give someone else the power to control MY future, not even my wife.

Shannon

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