That's wonderful advice, Sebastian. I love taking it from the angle of "this is my family" - because that's what we are. I must say that I have a really awesome child. I didn't realize quite how perceptive and comfortable she is with everything until last night. She's the kind of girl who will (and already does)
Wow that's a tough one. When I moved in here 3 years ago all of Shelley's neighbors had already seen plenty of women come and go. LOL She bought this house 11 years ago. When the older couple next to us asked about me Shelley told them I was a roomate. I'm not sure what they think but they are always very sweet to me. However, if they had asked me I would have told them the truth. I probably have a differant take on this for 2 reasons.......I live in a gay friendly or at least tolerant state and I don't have kids. It's easier to not give a rats rear what people think about you when you don't have kids to worry about. The consequences of me outing myself to the neighborhood would be mine and Shelley's alone. Does that make sense? I'll also tell you that some of the times I have been the most hesistant to be honest about my life have been the times that have suprised me the most in terms of acceptance. I have a friend (who is a conservative Christian and I was terrified to come out to) who gave me her take on this. She said that you can be honest but quietly live your life with dignity. And that doing that makes more of an impression than anything else. She's always been impressed with how "normal" our life is because it goes against every stereotype she was ever taught. So what would I do if I were the 2 of you? If the girls feel comfortable with it I would be honest. I would just say that you are partners and leave it at that. My feeling is that if you don't put it out there people will speculate about your relationship.
Anyway, just my 2 cents. I'm sure everyone here will have more good advice!
Those are good thoughts, Shannon. So far, especially with the girls and their friends, we have been nonchalant, so even though a lot of their friends know about us, it's an unspoken kind of knowledge. That has worked well.
You are being so sensible to give this some early thought so you're not surprised. Kids can be so amazing and I love how they can formulate such simple solutions where adults have to factor in every little detail (like I tend to do!). As an aside to the discussion, I have a daughter and when I had the "talk" with her about my orientation, she took it so darn well (age 9). She lives with her dad mostly and I didn't want him or my mom to tell her before I did. Both are prone to having their own selfish agendas. Unfortunately, a lot of people do. It stinks that we as lesbians have to have this dilemma where we want to be truthful and be accepted/respected for who we are and have to consider choosing words that can also keep things pleasant for us and our children.
On consideration is that even if you are in a more liberal area, it can still just take one hateful person or family who learns for sure that you're gay to cause hassles. When my partner at the time and I moved into our house, we decided that we have no idea if there could be a hateful or emotionally unstable person in the neighborhood and you usually never know until it's too late. And with my daughter being over here sometimes, I didn't want to risk any possible aggrivation. Already in our professions (we worked for different companies and couldn't be out with our employers), when describing our living situation, we referred to ourselves as very close friends and said we considered each other family. So we decided to do the same in our neighborhood. It worked out well at work and around here. No one ever directly questioned either of us if we were gay. Those that suspected were probably sensible enough not to ask. My having been married to a man in the past, having a daughter and having certain femme qualities probably kept a lot of people from wondering.
But get this... a couple years later, our sweet little (but homophobic and narrow minded - she was still sweet in other ways) elderly neighbor got sick and had to move into a nursing home and sell her house. We never told her we were a gay couple and I can't see how she could have figured out we were. Not loud, she was practically deaf anyhow, we didnt' do anything obvious in our back yard, etc. A lesbian couple bought her house and when introducing themselves said that our previous neighbor had said that we (me and my partner) were a "cute couple" and that they were glad to have another lesbian couple living next door. Of course, my draw dropped for a second. ;) Our older neighbor who supposedly said this was sweet but very judgemental, even putting down gays sometimes. I am thinking that she didn't exactly say that, but the new couple that moved in, because they are lesbian, took whatever comment she did make to mean that we were lesbian. ;) But what bugs me is that those new lesbian neighbors, although become close friends for a long time until their move, took the LIBERTY of telling two other neighbors on our street that they were gay, but also that WE also were gay. Nothing detrimental happened and in fact, it's nice to know those neighbors are cool with it, but the decision of who we directly reveal that to should have been ours, not the other lesbian couple's.
Thanks for sharing all of this, Picture. I'm glad you have experience to share with us. What you did is what my DD suggested - refer to each other as very good friends. I like adding the part about being family too. I've noticed that there are some elderly people in our neighborhood. You never know how they'll take it! It's interesting because there are lots of narrow-minded people sprinkled in with the liberals in our town, so it's hard to know what people are thinking. I'm sure we'll get a feel for how accepting our neighbors are at the block party.
I can't believe your lesbian neighbors outed you! That's horrible! I'm glad there were no negative repercussions for you.
I wish you the best in having lots of WONDERFUL neighbors. It's too bad that our gaydar can't also tell us who we should be careful in revealing our orientations to. ;)
Your situation in moving to a new community reminds me also of the dilemma that some Christian gays/lesbians face. Even if the public stance by a particular denomination is loving/welcoming of gays, that stance can have little impact if a particular congregation within that denomination
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Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
That's wonderful advice, Sebastian. I love taking it from the angle of "this is my family" - because that's what we are. I must say that I have a really awesome child. I didn't realize quite how perceptive and comfortable she is with everything until last night. She's the kind of girl who will (and already does)
Wow that's a tough one. When I moved in here 3 years ago all of Shelley's neighbors had already seen plenty of women come and go. LOL She bought this house 11 years ago. When the older couple next to us asked about me Shelley told them I was a roomate. I'm not sure what they think but they are always very sweet to me. However, if they had asked me I would have told them the truth. I probably have a differant take on this for 2 reasons.......I live in a gay friendly or at least tolerant state and I don't have kids. It's easier to not give a rats rear what people think about you when you don't have kids to worry about. The consequences of me outing myself to the neighborhood would be mine and Shelley's alone. Does that make sense?
I'll also tell you that some of the times I have been the most hesistant to be honest about my life have been the times that have suprised me the most in terms of acceptance. I have a friend (who is a conservative Christian and I was terrified to come out to) who gave me her take on this. She said that you can be honest but quietly live your life with dignity. And that doing that makes more of an impression than anything else. She's always been impressed with how "normal" our life is because it goes against every stereotype she was ever taught.
So what would I do if I were the 2 of you? If the girls feel comfortable with it I would be honest. I would just say that you are partners and leave it at that. My feeling is that if you don't put it out there people will speculate about your relationship.
Anyway, just my 2 cents. I'm sure everyone here will have more good advice!
Shannon
Those are good thoughts, Shannon. So far, especially with the girls and their friends, we have been nonchalant, so even though a lot of their friends know about us, it's an unspoken kind of knowledge. That has worked well.
Thanks and hugs!
Hi Caly,
You are being so sensible to give this some early thought so you're not surprised. Kids can be so amazing and I love how they can formulate such simple solutions where adults have to factor in every little detail (like I tend to do!). As an aside to the discussion, I have a daughter and when I had the "talk" with her about my orientation, she took it so darn well (age 9). She lives with her dad mostly and I didn't want him or my mom to tell her before I did. Both are prone to having their own selfish agendas. Unfortunately, a lot of people do. It stinks that we as lesbians have to have this dilemma where we want to be truthful and be accepted/respected for who we are and have to consider choosing words that can also keep things pleasant for us and our children.
On consideration is that even if you are in a more liberal area, it can still just take one hateful person or family who learns for sure that you're gay to cause hassles. When my partner at the time and I moved into our house, we decided that we have no idea if there could be a hateful or emotionally unstable person in the neighborhood and you usually never know until it's too late. And with my daughter being over here sometimes, I didn't want to risk any possible aggrivation. Already in our professions (we worked for different companies and couldn't be out with our employers), when describing our living situation, we referred to ourselves as very close friends and said we considered each other family. So we decided to do the same in our neighborhood. It worked out well at work and around here. No one ever directly questioned either of us if we were gay. Those that suspected were probably sensible enough not to ask. My having been married to a man in the past, having a daughter and having certain femme qualities probably kept a lot of people from wondering.
But get this... a couple years later, our sweet little (but homophobic and narrow minded - she was still sweet in other ways) elderly neighbor got sick and had to move into a nursing home and sell her house. We never told her we were a gay couple and I can't see how she could have figured out we were. Not loud, she was practically deaf anyhow, we didnt' do anything obvious in our back yard, etc. A lesbian couple bought her house and when introducing themselves said that our previous neighbor had said that we (me and my partner) were a "cute couple" and that they were glad to have another lesbian couple living next door. Of course, my draw dropped for a second. ;) Our older neighbor who supposedly said this was sweet but very judgemental, even putting down gays sometimes. I am thinking that she didn't exactly say that, but the new couple that moved in, because they are lesbian, took whatever comment she did make to mean that we were lesbian. ;) But what bugs me is that those new lesbian neighbors, although become close friends for a long time until their move, took the LIBERTY of telling two other neighbors on our street that they were gay, but also that WE also were gay. Nothing detrimental happened and in fact, it's nice to know those neighbors are cool with it, but the decision of who we directly reveal that to should have been ours, not the other lesbian couple's.
It's an awkward decision, I know!
::::hugs::::
Thanks for sharing all of this, Picture. I'm glad you have experience to share with us. What you did is what my DD suggested - refer to each other as very good friends. I like adding the part about being family too. I've noticed that there are some elderly people in our neighborhood. You never know how they'll take it! It's interesting because there are lots of narrow-minded people sprinkled in with the liberals in our town, so it's hard to know what people are thinking. I'm sure we'll get a feel for how accepting our neighbors are at the block party.
I can't believe your lesbian neighbors outed you! That's horrible! I'm glad there were no negative repercussions for you.
Hi Ting,
I wish you the best in having lots of WONDERFUL neighbors. It's too bad that our gaydar can't also tell us who we should be careful in revealing our orientations to. ;)
Your situation in moving to a new community reminds me also of the dilemma that some Christian gays/lesbians face. Even if the public stance by a particular denomination is loving/welcoming of gays, that stance can have little impact if a particular congregation within that denomination
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
Hey Buddy!
Thanks for your wonderful insights as always.
Hey Shannon!
Thanks for the input!
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