incompatible sex drives--what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
incompatible sex drives--what do I do?
10
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 2:00am
I don't know what to do. My boyfriend and I, who are compatible in every other way, have conflicting sex drives. He's had more partners than I and before we were dating I had heard stories of his somewhat over-active libido. I have a much shorter sexual history and he's really the first man that I have been able to be comfortable with my own sexuality with (if that makes sense). The problem is that the last five months I've had a much higher sex drive than he has had. He just never is in the mood and it really makes me feel horrible. I feel like I have to pressure him to have sex and I definately don't want to do that. I'm always the initiator of sex, I feel like if I don't then we'd never have sex anymore. It's very upsetting. Right now I just feel completely undesirable to him. I've tried to talk about it to him, but it just makes him feel bad. He says it isn't me he just isn't in the mood. I don't know what to do. I love him and our relationship is not about sex but the problem is putting a big strain on the relationship. I'm confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 12:57pm

I am sorry to hear of your troubles!

Nadine - deenie1979

jesussig.jpg image by nadine1979

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 8:56pm

Hi deadmouse and welcome to the board.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:26am

Oooops.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:21pm

Hi again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:43pm

Thank you so much for the replies. It feels so good to have support. Somedays I just feel like a total freak, and it helps just to know I'm not alone. After I posted my message a found the CL message boards and those have helped a lot. Thank you very much for being there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 8:02am
I know that some meds can enhance male libido. I heard that herbal supplement ZuPro is very effective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 6:46am
I really don't think it's too much to worry about. My husband & I have been married for a little over 9 years. (We've been together for almost 12 years.) Our sex drives have varied throughout the years. When we were first married, I had the higher sex drive. Then, for a while, he had the higher sex drive. Now, we're getting closer to being even. His is still a bit higher, but not by much.
I know it can be a problem at times. The one who's "being rejected" can feel unattractive. But, it's usually not about that. It's just that one person might have a lot on their mind at that time. Or maybe their not feeling very good about themselves. I've gained weight. So, I didn't want to have sex because I didn't feel sexy. I finally told hubby that & he explained that he still finds me very sexy. So, now, I've started to feel better. When hubby is on the low end, it's usually because he's been working a lot of hours or his job is more stressful than usual.
Basically, just hang in there. It'll get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:41am

You forgot to mention this site..it is more for High Libido support when the LL's aren't all that supportive:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing

M. Davis is also on there for a short time...she wrote THE SEX STARVED MARRIAGE..he's taking questions.

ENjoy! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 2:46pm
Thanks for posting the board.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 2:54pm

NP

It has a similar topic to this board, BUT its predominantly High libido types and the focus there is primarilly support for them. There are LL's there too, but again its not focussed on solving issues of low sex drive. Its there to help high libido's through that same storm. :)