I don't like these thoughts! (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
I don't like these thoughts! (long)
5
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:59pm
I posted this on Suicidal Thoughts and feelings, but I'd just like to get some feed back from people here as well, seeing as I think and believe that "those" thoughts stem from an anxiety disorder... maybe someone can relate?

I've always been afraid to tell anyone what I'm going to say, but seeing how this is really annonymous, i guess i don't have too much to be afraid of...I've told my b/f some things, but pretty much toned it down as to not scare him. I'm going to try and explain myself... but forgive me if I don't make too much sense. I barely understand how or why I feel the way I do, so it might not make sense when I type it out.

On and off, out of nowhere, I get these weird feelings, and I visualize what it would be like to die. For example, I'll be driving in my car, and all of a sudden, I'll just get a vision in my head of me completely losing control and hitting the ditch, or an oncoming car veering into my lane and hitting me head on. I know these kinds of thoughts are not normal... I think I suffer from anxiety attacks every so often, but I don't know who to talk to about them. I tried going to my doctor one time, thinking it was either anxiety or PMDD or something of the sort, and he just kind of brushed it away. Granted I didn't go into much detail, like I said, I haven't really talked to anyone about this... but I told him that sometimes I just break down and cry for no reason... I went through about 2 weeks where I cried every single day about something and just felt the lowest I ever had in my life. My dad is a manic depressive, and I know that it can be passed gentically (is that right?), and so I know I'm at risk of becoming depressive as well. Well I told my doc about that and he said "what triggers these?" I looked at him blankly and said "i just told you, I don't know." I mentioned that they're worst after I've had a fight with my boyfriend, and he made me feel so immature, he very subtly rolled his eyes and had a smirk on his face that said "figures. how juvinile". he told me to keep track of my "attacks" and come back if they persist.

Well, I didn't keep track of all of them, b/c they did start subsiding... I don't get them too often, but when I do, they're so horrible... I fear death so much, yet when I'm having an attack, that's all I can think about. I get scared about a family member dying or my b/f dying or anything painful, and at those times, I just wish I had the courage to end my own life so I would never have to feel the pain of others around me die. I know that's selfish and greedy, and i don't WANT to think those thoughts at all!! To tell you the truth, they scare the hell out of me!! I have no clue where they come from, nor would I actually go through with it... but then why do I think about it? Why do I wish that I could have the courage sometimes?????

I don't know where to go to see a counsellor. And I also don't have time... I have a full time day job, and a part time night job, PLUS i'm taking a night course.... I can't afford to pay for one, and the system here is so screwy as well... my dad was telling me about the counsellor he went to... his counsellor could only schedule him in for 30 mins A MONTH! 30 mins a month for a manic depressive??? how helpful is that??

I've told my b/f about my "visions" (car running off the road, etc) and he said that that makes him nervous... I think also, though, the reason why I get fearful of that when I'm driving and that I can visualize it happening is because I was in a pretty bad 4 car accident last summer... I had the impact of 3 other cars hit mine... Had the impact not been "cushioned" by the two cars that slammed into me, I might not be here today. One of the drivers of the other car still has trouble walking. I remember looking over at the car coming towards me, that driver gripping his wheel and closing his eyes tight while he got hit, causing his car to be "thrown" into mine.

If I ever WERE to commit suicide (omg, just saying that word gives me chills... I can't believe I'm writing this...) it would shock everybody. I'm not a disturbed person, I'm not a melancholy "hate the world" type of person... I have an awesomely loving b/f, good jobs, have had some very great accomplishments so far in my life and am going further. I'm usually always a happy person, making others smile and laugh. That is why I really don't understand why these thoughts invade my head... I'm just so afraid of going through immense pain ever, that I figure "well I'll never have to feel that way if i just...." i don't want to think like this. I don't know what I could do. I've broke down in front of my mom a couple of times, and she's tried to be really supportive... she suggested i talk to my dad about it b/c he's been through it, and i just felt akward... i mentioned it to my dad, that i think i suffer from anxiety attacks, and i can't even remember what he said.

I'm sorry this is so long... I can't believe i've been babbling so much... I have no clue what compelled me to write this... Nothing bad is happening in my life right now... I have no reason to be depressed... in fact, I'm not even sure I am feeling depressed right now... just that I've got these thoughts that come out of nowhere, and I want them to go away!!!! I don't even feel relieved that I'm getting this off my chest... instead I'm feeling guilty I'm writing this and having these thoughts to begin with... how could I ever devestate so many people who love me like this???

Thanks for reading this far... it'll mean alot to me if someone replies....

thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:14pm
Hi there Raindrop Tears, Welcome to the board! This place is really wonderful and everyone here is so understanding so dont be concerned with writing down your feelings. Just because everything in your life is good doesnt make you a bad person for having scary feelings and thoughts. I understand about the thoughts I get thoughts like what if I ever went crazy and hurt somebody? I get these alot and when they first started I was scared out of my mind I thought I was loosing it! I have found out alot of people have thoughts just like me but they are only thoughts and they are obessive thoughts for me anyway, I have panic attacks, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. I started therapy in september and I just started meds 7 days ago. If you go to your doctor they should be able to refer you to a councler or if they dont take you seriously I would find another dr! My primary dr refered me to one that I didnt like and then my friend told me about another one that I am with now that I really do like. Maybe try talking to your father about it he may understand how you are feeling and maybe it would be good to talk. I think one thing that made me feel better is knowing others have these kinds of thoughts too. There is an OCD board too I am there alot also. I hope that you will ask if you have any other questions.

Take care, Robin.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 9:14am
Welcome raindrop! It's nice to have you here and I'm SO GLAD that you decided to talk about your feelings and what you've been experiencing. I'm not a doctor, but I feel like there are several things going on with you. It's sounds like you are living a full life, working hard, having fun, you are basically healthy, in love and have a circle of friends. In the back ground you have a parent that struggles with mental illness, a recent auto accident, stress and a fully functioning mind that you allow to wander to "awful" scenes and possibilities. You do not want your basic life to be messed up, you do not want to struggle with bi-polar disease, you do not want to suffer extreme pain and you have basic fear with which to deal. Now I can't say that I feel you are any worse than most of us that struggle with living. I've done the same thing myself and it's almost like I want to test myself; what would I do, what would I feel, who would help me, and so on. I've not ever considered ending my life even when I was almost house bound with this darn anxiety/panic/phobia thing that I've tried to cope with all my life. What do I do with these mind images of disaster? I think about something else and remember that I only have limited control in my life. I don't like those thoughts either, but the reality is I do not know what's up for the next moments in my life. So it's my responsibility to make the best of the current moment. I'm sure I'm much older than you, I've had time to build experience concerning the "what-if's" and I want to tell you that I've learned that 99% of what we imagine, NEVER HAPPENS. I feel like it would be a good idea for you to talk with a counselor and say out loud what you've posted here. Pent up and stuffed feelings do lead to trouble. I also feel that you need to understand that you have far more courage than you give yourself credit for. If you are having a mild depression period, off and on, there are meds that can help you with that. My mom was an untreated bi-polar, a fact that I did not know until AFTER she died, at age 82. So I can tell you that genes don't always follow to the children. Get busy and get the help you feel you need and in the mean time continue to live your life as full as you can. You are always welcome here and we really do have a group of kind and caring folks on this board. Blessings to you. Suz

Blessings, Suz   Posts in this Community   

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 4:18pm
Having "visions" of something horrible happening, afraid of immense physical or emotional pain in the future - I have both of these. Never understood it before I started to read up on anxiety disorder. That was when I realized I'm not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. Approximately ten million people in this country have anxiety disorder (possibly many more because people often don't admit it). Just remember that it always passes and tomorrow is another day.

I believe if you're going to see a councelor for anxiety it should be AT LEAST once a week, preferably twice a week. Once a month is not enough for the kind of support you need.

Please forgive me for not being more helpful, but at least in my case, it was very comforting just to discover that millions of others suffer the way we do. Everyone has their own "mental problems," if you want to put it that way. And the very people that you think might be looking down on you have their own unique problems. Not a one of us is perfect. The older I get, the more I realize this. E-mail me anytime.

Randi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:37pm
Hi Raindrop Tears, I know exactly how you feel - I am the same way! My thoughts are terrible things happening to my children or myself. These thoughts seemed to just come out of the blue one day and they were very scarey. I also started having obessive thoughts of getting terminal illnesses and being in a lot of pain, dying, etc. I became very anxious all the time and was not able to handle these thoughts. I called my internist who sent me to a psychiatrist. I went to several before I found one I felt comfortable with. After several sessions with this doctor, she put me on Paxil which was very helpful - I took the lowest dosage and it stopped these thoughts and I felt like my old self again. I am now on the lowest dose of Effexor and it seems to be working well for me. If your internist doesn't seem to take you seriously please find another doctor - ask your friends for a recommendation to one they like and go to. Life is a beautiful thing - take positive action and see someone who will help you with these thoughts. I'm glad you posted your thoughts - you are not the only one and I hope it helps you just knowing that you're not alone. Please let us know how you're doing. Take care - Linda
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:35am
I read your post and can relate. My mother is bipolar but I am adopted so I thought it doesn't matter, wrong it does. The stressful environment I was raised in coupled with ( I recently found my birth mom and she has had problems with depression) my genetic makeup gave me GAD, and I understand the thoughts your speaking of. It seems when I get down I get terrible thoughts in my head and I can't stop them. I too put up a good front. Most people would be shocked if they "only Knew" what goes on in my head. I joined the gym in January and try to go 3 times a week, I started therapy a month ago and I am going to make an appt to get on meds. I just can't live like this anymore. I have been posting on the antidepressent board and the gals over there have some great advice. One thing seems clear if you find the right med and the right therapist you can start living your life like you should. I hope this helps.......don't stop trying. Find a good doctor that listens. It makes a difference. Hugs to you. Eileen