I don't like these thoughts! (long)
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|Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:59pm|
I've always been afraid to tell anyone what I'm going to say, but seeing how this is really annonymous, i guess i don't have too much to be afraid of...I've told my b/f some things, but pretty much toned it down as to not scare him. I'm going to try and explain myself... but forgive me if I don't make too much sense. I barely understand how or why I feel the way I do, so it might not make sense when I type it out.
On and off, out of nowhere, I get these weird feelings, and I visualize what it would be like to die. For example, I'll be driving in my car, and all of a sudden, I'll just get a vision in my head of me completely losing control and hitting the ditch, or an oncoming car veering into my lane and hitting me head on. I know these kinds of thoughts are not normal... I think I suffer from anxiety attacks every so often, but I don't know who to talk to about them. I tried going to my doctor one time, thinking it was either anxiety or PMDD or something of the sort, and he just kind of brushed it away. Granted I didn't go into much detail, like I said, I haven't really talked to anyone about this... but I told him that sometimes I just break down and cry for no reason... I went through about 2 weeks where I cried every single day about something and just felt the lowest I ever had in my life. My dad is a manic depressive, and I know that it can be passed gentically (is that right?), and so I know I'm at risk of becoming depressive as well. Well I told my doc about that and he said "what triggers these?" I looked at him blankly and said "i just told you, I don't know." I mentioned that they're worst after I've had a fight with my boyfriend, and he made me feel so immature, he very subtly rolled his eyes and had a smirk on his face that said "figures. how juvinile". he told me to keep track of my "attacks" and come back if they persist.
Well, I didn't keep track of all of them, b/c they did start subsiding... I don't get them too often, but when I do, they're so horrible... I fear death so much, yet when I'm having an attack, that's all I can think about. I get scared about a family member dying or my b/f dying or anything painful, and at those times, I just wish I had the courage to end my own life so I would never have to feel the pain of others around me die. I know that's selfish and greedy, and i don't WANT to think those thoughts at all!! To tell you the truth, they scare the hell out of me!! I have no clue where they come from, nor would I actually go through with it... but then why do I think about it? Why do I wish that I could have the courage sometimes?????
I don't know where to go to see a counsellor. And I also don't have time... I have a full time day job, and a part time night job, PLUS i'm taking a night course.... I can't afford to pay for one, and the system here is so screwy as well... my dad was telling me about the counsellor he went to... his counsellor could only schedule him in for 30 mins A MONTH! 30 mins a month for a manic depressive??? how helpful is that??
I've told my b/f about my "visions" (car running off the road, etc) and he said that that makes him nervous... I think also, though, the reason why I get fearful of that when I'm driving and that I can visualize it happening is because I was in a pretty bad 4 car accident last summer... I had the impact of 3 other cars hit mine... Had the impact not been "cushioned" by the two cars that slammed into me, I might not be here today. One of the drivers of the other car still has trouble walking. I remember looking over at the car coming towards me, that driver gripping his wheel and closing his eyes tight while he got hit, causing his car to be "thrown" into mine.
If I ever WERE to commit suicide (omg, just saying that word gives me chills... I can't believe I'm writing this...) it would shock everybody. I'm not a disturbed person, I'm not a melancholy "hate the world" type of person... I have an awesomely loving b/f, good jobs, have had some very great accomplishments so far in my life and am going further. I'm usually always a happy person, making others smile and laugh. That is why I really don't understand why these thoughts invade my head... I'm just so afraid of going through immense pain ever, that I figure "well I'll never have to feel that way if i just...." i don't want to think like this. I don't know what I could do. I've broke down in front of my mom a couple of times, and she's tried to be really supportive... she suggested i talk to my dad about it b/c he's been through it, and i just felt akward... i mentioned it to my dad, that i think i suffer from anxiety attacks, and i can't even remember what he said.
I'm sorry this is so long... I can't believe i've been babbling so much... I have no clue what compelled me to write this... Nothing bad is happening in my life right now... I have no reason to be depressed... in fact, I'm not even sure I am feeling depressed right now... just that I've got these thoughts that come out of nowhere, and I want them to go away!!!! I don't even feel relieved that I'm getting this off my chest... instead I'm feeling guilty I'm writing this and having these thoughts to begin with... how could I ever devestate so many people who love me like this???
Thanks for reading this far... it'll mean alot to me if someone replies....