I need constant reassurance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
I need constant reassurance!
5
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 7:14am
Whenever I'm in a relationship with a guy I am in need of constant reassurance and I believe this is what drives them away. I've never been cheated on that I know of, but I just can't help but think that when they aren't with me that they aren't thinking about me in the least. I think it stems from guys telling me that they will call me and many times they don't and I obsess about it. Now everytime a guy says he's going to call me I can't help but think about it in my mind and say to myself "yeah right". Even when firm plans are made to go out on a Friday night I still don't believe it's going to happen until he shows up at my door. Also many times I've called a guy and he said he'd call me back because he was in the middle of something and he doesn't so I call him a few hours later and I feel like I'm just annoying him. I just need to have this constant reassurance of love or affection and if a guy I'm dating gets slightly ticked off about something I can't help but think that's the end of the relationship and I must do something to fix the problem even though it's something so minor. I think this all stems from how my mom treated me sometimes. She would go through these phases of not talking to me for a few days straight for reasons unknown to me. I would then try anything to make her happy and get her to talk to me. I believe this total insecurity of not feeling loved has trickled into my dating life and I don't want to feel this way and obsess about this stuff anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:43am
I relate so much to what you have written! I was completely the same in the relationship with the ex -- not so much at the beginning, but near the end, and especially during the the three other times we tried to get back together. My trust was completely broken because of his "I'll call you later" and he never would. This last time it actually "ended" by him saying "I'll call you on Sunday" (This was Sunday Feb 15, and now it's April 1st and I still haven't heard from him!!)

Near the beginning of our relationship things were great then somehow I got it my mind that he was too good for me, too good looking, too popular etc. I think this stemmed from me not having much of a life and depending on him so much.

My mind is in two places right now,

1. I"ll never meet anyone, ever again. he was the only one, and then I start to almost obsess about it.

2. So scared that if I ever do meet someone that I will have such a bitter side to me, need so much reassurance that it will never work.

Anyways I don't know how we get over this...but it's good to hear someone else has this problem...well I know it's not a good thing, but you know what I mean.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:45am
All I can tell you, is that I was the same way, and I still sorta am the same way as you are describing. The right guy will come along at the right time, and you will find someone that will be there for you and it will just all fall into play.

A few things though (my older sisters have passed on to me), when you meet a guy, never give him YOUR number, YOU get HIS number. That way, you can call him when you want to. It's like you start off calling the shots. You wait 3 to 5 days (call on a Sunday or Monday), call him, and when talking to him, ask him about himself (guys like to talk about themselves), don't talk too much about yourself. Keep mysterious. You shouldn't stay on the phone too long with him at first conversation. If he hasn't asked you to go out that week within the first ten minutes of conversation or so, tell him you have to get going, that you have an appointment or something, and to call you back. Then give him your number. If he doesn't call you, then you DON'T call him! PERIOD- Atleast for a good week. That way there is NO feeling like you did something wrong, no feeling like your being a pest, no feelings of self doubt. It really works.

If you are feeling like this is definately going to be a major problem in all your relationships, you should talk to a therapist, or keep posting on this board,and we will help you through it the best we can.

Good luck to you,

Amanda

Amanda

When someone tells you that you can't go any farther, just tell them to look behind you and see how far you've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 1:26pm
This is not uncommon for many women, especially young women. It's the "all or nothing" pattern of thinking, attached to not feeling very good about yourself thinking. We cause ourselves so much anxiety with this pattern, but it does have an ending, if you want to work at it. You've identified a possible source of your "people pleasing" ways, i.e. your mother's unexplained silences. Like a lot of kids you immediately attached blame to yourself rather than thinking that your mom had the problem. And it goes on from there, gaining more power and then becoming a "life" of it's own. I feel that if you were really to blame for those silences, your mom WOULD be telling you. As to the boy friend issue, well just how much control do you have over your boy friends feelings and behaviours? Not much and often the words "I'll call you" don't really have that much impact for a man. It's almost on par with "hey, hows it going?" By always thinking that you are responsible for every little bump in the road, you are being unrealistic and giving yourself an awful lot of power. And truth is that most of us have little to no power over another person's behaviour. I would encourage you to take a personal inventory and recognize all the positive things you bring with you and start to believe in them. It's really not that hard to do. You have a choice to break the pattern, so choose to do so. Plus remember, the only mind that you can read is your own. Carefully choose the times that you want explainations from your bf and let the others go. You have a life and having a boy friend is only a small part of that. If it's not, then perhaps you could consider that things are kind of out-of-balance in your life. You are most welcome here and I hope that you will continue to talk with us. This is a good group; kind and caring people post here. Blessings to you. Suz

Blessings, Suz   Posts in this Community   

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 1:29pm
Suz, you always post amazing words of wisdom! I respect your strength, and hopefully someday I will have it as well! thanks again. Amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:32pm
Thanks for the compliment Amy!! Remember, I'm a woman and I was just as vunerable as any young woman, when I was younger. I just try to not have a selective memory about all the problems I created for myself and share the conclusions I came to when I was gaining the experience. Also, I'm a "feminist" and really want my daughter, as well as other young women to make the better decisions about themselves. I want young women to understand that making choices that take care of themselves is NOT selfish. I want women to understand just how much power they have and to learn how to use it. And most of all I want to help women learn how to be kinder to each other. We women can be such stinkers to each other. There is something that one of my college professors said to me that started me on the road to women's rights; "When you educate a man, you educate a man, but when you educate a woman, you educate a family." Do you realize how powerful a statement that is? I'm flattered and pleased that you at least consider the perspectives I talk about because I'm really trying to make a difference. Blessings to you. Suz

Blessings, Suz   Posts in this Community