Overwhelmed
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| Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:17am |
Hi everyone. I have not posted in a few weeks. I am not sure why, I think I have just been in a fog lately. Anyway, I have anxiety issues and OCD. I have just now realized something. For years now, ever since I have lived in my house (and even before that when I lived in my apartment) I have these "fits" where I get all worked up because the house needs cleaned, things need fixed, my truck needs cleaned, things around the house need to be done, laundry, yard work, you name it. I get very worked up and sometimes cry or work myself into a frenzy where I am cleaning so fast and hard that I hurt myself (not on purpose, just while overdoing it) or end up breaking something and then get even more upset. I never thought of this as being anxiety but now that I have been diagnosed with anxiety (I have attacks for no apparent reason, no trigger really, just get all weird feeling and get the hot sweats and cold chills and nausea and feeling of dying and dread plus the fears of death and thinking something is wrong with my health), I think I have been having anxiety issues all along when things overwhelm me. At work, if I get piled up, I am fine. I seem to be able to handle it. I may get a little worked up but I am able to slow it down and accept that I can only do so much in an 8 hour day. I CANNOT do this at home. I don't know why.
I am 29 years old, have a house that my husband and I bought new in 1998 and I am very thankful for it and love it. He does the cooking and yard work and cleans the kitchen, I clean the rest of the house and do laundry and the finances. I help him some outside too just because I like being out there. We have no kids, just 2 dogs which are kids to us. I love them dearly but have found myself not bringing them inside as much because of dog hair making me think the house is dirty. That is AWFUL isn't it? I feel so guilty. They are labs and love it outside and have a nice area in the garage with a doggie door to the backyard which is fenced in, so I take good care of them, but find myself not going out to see them as much because I don't want to track dog hair into the house. That is so stupid but I cannot get past it. I get so upset about it. I let my one dog in to sleep with us the other night but found myself worrying about the hair and then frantically cleaning when she was ready to go outside. I know someday I will regret this dearly when the dogs are gone. That is going to be very painful to know I wasted all this time that I could have spent with them, worrying over stupid things and avoiding them.
The other bad thing is that I tend to treat my husband badly when this happens to me. I don't think he cleans to my standards in the kitchen so I nag him and we fight. I watch him like a hawk at times to see if he wipes his feet before coming inside and if he leaves ANYTHING lying around the house I freak out on him. He is real sick of it. I am too. But I cannot stop. Today I have been running like mad to clean and do things around the house and I feel all worked up. He is not home right now but I have already thought of a million things to nag him about that need to be done around here and I know it will be a fight if I start in on him when he gets home. I am trying not to, but I was outside looking at the yard and thinking oh great, here comes Spring and I will have to stay on him to make sure he does the yardwork (I don't really have to make him do it, he does it) and looking around the house I see things that need to be done so I try to get them done but me alone cannot do it fast enough and I get all anxious. I know this probably sounds nuts to many of you. I feel ashamed of myself to even admit it. I know that things always end up getting done by me and my husband, but I cannot stop worrying about it NOT getting done and feeling like I have a TON of things to do.
Any help would be great. This is killing me and my husband. I know a lot of it is OCD and I am in therapy about that but can't seem to make any headway. I am also on Zoloft which helps some, but I need to change my way of thinking and approaching this and I know a med cannot do that for me. I know I need to stop this but have been doing it for so long it has become a terrible habit and it is getting worse lately.
Kim

Blessings, Suz
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It really sounds like you are unhappy with your thoughts- and are trying to change.
The dogs are there for you to love and have fun with. I understand there may be some dog hair involved when bringing them inside- but think of the fun you will have with them!
Vaccuuming up after them does not take too long and as you said you should be enjoying them- Baby steps bringing your dog to bed- try again! and again until you can tolerate it!
If I take on too many chore around the house at once I feel just like you described!
Then I thought do I have to really do this one now? I have learned over time that what makes us really happy is not a totally spotless house but what is going on in the house!
I hope this helps you a little and I don't want to sound like a know it all by no means am I!!
Take care and remember to enjoy today! Judy