derealization and grief

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
derealization and grief
9
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 11:25am
Hi...it's been a long time since I've been here and just needed to come back and share some things. I've posted several times to people struggling with derealization and depersonalization because it used to happen to me often several years ago. It is the most horrible feeling and something I hoped I'd never experience again. My mom passed away on Valentine's Day this year. To make a very long story very short, I feel like I am about to fall apart. I'm only 24, and even though I haven't lived with my parents for a few years now, I've always lived within a few minutes of their house and always talked to my mom every single day. She's my best friend...we are so close that I know nothing could ever really separate us, and I know that someday I will see her again in heaven, but the ache of her not being here with me in person is almost more than I can bear. I can't even explain the pain and how much it hurts. Everyone thinks I've been doing so well handling this, when really it only appears that way because I've been forcing it down and not dealing with it. I normally do not do that, but this is so huge and awful that I don't know what else to do right now. Well, on Saturday my boyfriend and I were driving in separate cars so we could drop my car off to have it worked on and then run errands together in his car...I'm about to start driving when BAM, all of a sudden that old familiar feeling came rushing back. Because I'm obviously not very smart, I decided I was capable of driving anyhow - don't follow my example if this happens to you. I'm driving down the road behind him and nothing looks or feels quite right...like I'm stuck in a dream world or watching a movie of someone else's life. I could barely pay attention enough to drive my car. I felt completely detached from everything around me. But something was different about this episode than the ones I've had before - everything around me looked distorted. Things looked like they were moving or coming toward me or growing larger when they actually weren't. I have never done drugs in my life, and why anyone would want to take drugs to actually INDUCE this kind of thing is beyond me, because it is horrible and scary. Fortunately, we didn't have far to go. When I got out of the car, I told him what was happening. Thank God I had already talked about it with him several months ago; I don't even remember now what had brought it up at the time, but I had told him all about it, and he assured me he didn't think I was crazy. This time he reassured me of the same thing and let me talk my way through it. I really needed to eat lunch, and I wonder if maybe my blood sugar got too low and had something to do with this, along with the fact that I already have an anxiety disorder and am grieving over my mom. We went to the food court at the mall, and I'm just sitting there forcing myself to eat and looking around me at all the people walking by, knowing that physically I am there but feeling totally surreal. A little while later we left, and suddenly, for whatever reason, I knew I was completely back to normal. I said, "I'm okay now," and I knew without a doubt that the episode was over as quickly as it had come. The episodes used to last much longer than that before. If I had not already experienced this before, I might chalk it up to nothing more than really needing to get some food into my body. My best friend is hypoglycemic and experiences something similar if her blood sugar gets too low. But because I HAVE experienced it before, I knew what it was. The reason it used to happen before is the same reason it happened this time: ignoring things I know I need to deal with. I think it's a defense mechanism my mind does when something so huge and traumatic has happened that I don't know how to process it, and the longer I wait to at least TRY and process it, the more I detach myself from everything around me and then I derealize. I also got a paper from the hospice my mom was at that outlined some of the stages of grief and things you might go through, and I couldn't believe it when I actually saw the word "derealization" on there. It makes perfect sense to me why someone might derealize after the loss of a loved one, but to see the actual word made me feel like maybe there is more awareness about this than there used to be when I had the episodes a few years ago. It was so scary back then to experience it and not know what it was and to just think I was slipping into insanity. But that's not it at all. I don't know why I'm sharing all of this other than I just needed to get it out, and I guess I also hope that anyone reading this who has experienced it and didn't know what it was will find some peace knowing that it has a name and it is not uncommon or a sign of being crazy. Anyway, please please pray for me as I'm going through not having my mom...I have lots of loving people surrounding me and helping me right now, but all the same I just feel like shutting down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 11:48am
Always a pleasure to have you back.
 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 5:55pm

oh, sweetie, i am so sorry about your mom!!

i lost my dad when i was 22, it was very hard.

i am an insulin dependent diabetic and that
really does sound like low blood sugar.

i always think, am i anxious or is my sugar low?

but that description sounded more like low blood
sugar than fear. but of course with what you've
gone thru it could be depers...??

go to the doc!, better safe than sorry.

again, i am so sorry for your loss!

kris

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 10:50pm

(((Bungalowgirl)))

I have never experienced what you described, but I'm certainly glad that you were safe and that your boyfriend was there with you to offer you his support. Its always hard to lose a parent and time is the only thing that will ease the pain. Just take things one day at a time.

Anyway, sorry I can't offer any advise or words of wisdom. But I did want to pop in here and give you some (((hugs))).

Brightest Blessings,
Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 12:03am
There are absolutely no words that I can offer except that I am so very sorry for your loss.

Blessings, Suz   Posts in this Community   

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:09am

Hi there. Thanks for your post. I am 29 and I lost my grandpa in October. That is the first person close to me in my entire life that has died. He was sick for years but always got better, so I assumed he would this time too. I visited him in the hospital on Sept 11 on my way to a CO (driving there with my husband for vacation from OH) and I was stunned by his appearance. I think it hit me so hard that my mind shut it out and kept it deep in my subconscious to fester. I went on vacation and was ok for a while but then got very sick due to high altitude and dehydration due to a hike I tried to do too fast and after I started to recover, BAM, I got that feeling you desctribed. It scared me so bad. I was away from home for 2 weeks and trying not to ruin our vacation that we had waited all year for. I woke every morning with that horrible feeling and had a similar exp to you in a mall food court where I was trying to force myself to eat and nothing around me felt right. I was in another world and not a good one. It was horrible. This lasted for days and would suddenly just stop. Then I would feel normal again. Very scary. When I got home I hoped I was getting better but it did not. I was like this for weeks and could not understand why. I started visiting him in hospice after he was moved there from the hospital and spent many hours there everyday. He died 10 days later. Even after his death I was having problems, but I got on Zoloft and started therapy and started getting better. I have dreams about him and he will pop into my head at any given time. I am not sure if I am over the greiving yet, I don't think I am and I still have some anxiety problems but not as bad as before. I think time is the only thing that truly heals a loss. That is not what we want the solution to be, but I think that is it.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 4:03pm

Hey Jen,

I hope there is atleast some easing while the days progress. Im sorry to hear that with the loss of your mom that your are going through a lot of anxiety and espically dereal..if you need someone to talk to feel free to instant message im hear to listen and chat. Hope your doing somewhat better than last time we talked a few days ago.

Kevin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 12:56am
I am so sorry for your loss. My sister passed away nearly a year ago.
I miss her everyday! Losing someone you loved dearly is very hard to
deal with. I too felt notreal I often felt outside of myself.
With time it has lessened. I still miss her and cry but I know
that she is happy in a better place!
Take care and don't push yourself to get over it- the stages are
different for everyone! Just remember you were so lucky to have
love from your mother and remember that love.
Take care, Judy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 5:51am
Hi, Kevin! I was so happy to see your post. It's always good to hear from you. How's tricks? I really miss you): (((hugs))) jan



 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 1:17pm
Thanks to everyone for your responses. Thanks, Kevin, for the offer to talk. I think you put it very well when you said you hope there's some easing as the days progress. A lot of well-meaning people say things like, "You just need to pull yourself together and move on" or "you just have to find it within yourself to be happy again." While those things are essentially true, all they do is make me mad. It's most helpful when someone (like you) understands that the best I can hope for right now is that things will ease as each day passes, rather than BAM, I'm happy again and everything's peachy. A lot of people also told me I'd have good days and bad days...up until very recently, I did not have good days and bad days...I had good moments withIN bad days every now and then. It's hard to believe, but a month has gone by since my mom passed away. For a long time, I was in shock...then I was just angry...then I derealized and finally started to deal with the reality of what has happened, and that made me overwhelmingly sad and I would cry all the time...I just keep moving in phases, and now, knock on wood, I feel like it is finally starting to ease a bit. I'm still a whirlwind of emotion (and sometimes a lack thereof when I get numb to everything and feel like a robot), but I have actually found myself feeling real joy again sometimes. Yesterday the weather was so beautiful and springish that I just closed my eyes and drank it in. I've been able to smile again at all the cute, quirky things my animals do and allow their unconditional love to remind me that there's a lot of beauty in life amongst the bad. I've been able to talk to my friends and family more and actually receive their comfort rather than stay locked inside myself. Her death is not something I will ever understand in this world, and I know that there will always be times of tremendous pain for the rest of my life. But I still thank God every day for a mother who loved me so very much and who instilled enough strength and faith in me to where I can keep going. I plan on going to a support group soon at the hospice my mom was at...I know my anxiety support group has helped me a whole lot, so hopefully this one will too. Thanks again to everyone.