Checking In And Sharing Some Insight...
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| Wed, 03-09-2005 - 12:47am |
Hello all!! Just wanted to let ya'll know that I'm still alive and well. As well as I know how to be, anyway. The past couple of months have been incredibly stressful here. And I didn't really even realize it until just now, when I was thinking about what to write. But I've been coping.
I guess it all started for me in December when I went off of my medications. I was on Paxil and took my last dose on around the 7th of that month. By the end of the month I was a total basket case. Of course I had help. It was about that same time that I started having some very troubling health issues. But after lots of testing it turns out I'm okay, just "imbalanced". So, with that positive prognosis I actually started doing much better. But since then I've had a death to deal with, a very dear friend moving away, a brother who almost ODed, a stressful trip home, and now my husband is gone for a month for some training exercise. And it's only the first week of March!!!
So, now that i think about it, I'm not doing so bad. lol Considering. Not that I want to make light of any of the things going on in my life, I just hadn't realized that there was that much. I mean, obviously I knew each of these things was happening, but I didn't look at it from a stress perspective, you know? And this is my pattern. This is why I get overwhelmed. Because I don't pay attention to what's going on in a way that reveals to me when I need to take a little extra time for myself.
But all that aside, there are a couple of things that I have learned over the past few months that I want to share. Or I guess it would be more accurate to say there are a few things that I have remembered to acknowledge that I think maybe others forget about too.
So as I've said before I went off of the medication in Dec. Well, since then I have have periods of bad anxiety, but not many. What I've mostly experienced is a kind of nagging anxious feeling. It's not constant by any means, but it is annoying and frustrating. I just recently realized that that was how I felt ALL THE TIME before I had the nervous breakdown. And I had felt that way for about a year. I can remember telling my husband that I felt like I had ants crawling on my bones. I don't know why I didn't pay attention to it then, but I didn't. I didn't know what the significance of those kinds of feelings was. So again, I'm back to the theme of not paying attention. Oh, I can tell you at any given time if my heart rate changes in the least, or if I have the slightest change in pressure in my ears and head, but ask me my current emotional state and I'll have to sit and think about it for a while before I can give you an answer.
And I think that that becomes a problem for many of us with anxiety. We have this tendancy to temper both our thoughts and emotions because when the anxiety is bad we have to. We have to or our thoughts will race and we'll lose control, or at least that's what we fear will happen. But the reality is just the opposite. By holding ourselves back from experiencing our feelings we make things worse. We deny ourselves an outlet for stress. We create the perfect landscape in our minds for anxiety to germenate and flourish. Because when we deny these feelings it becomes a habit that's hard to break. Not only do we not allow ourselves to experience negative emotions, but we smile less too. We impair our ability to experience joy. This last is incredibly sad because one of the best defenses against run away anxiety and depression is joy.
So, I am currently in a struggle to allow myself to experience negative emotions. I tell myself often that it's okay to be sad when sadness is called for. It's okay to grieve for my dead friend. It's okay to miss my friend who moved away. It's okay to be angry and confused about my brother. It's okay to miss my husband and be sad that he's not here. These things are okay. If I experience sadness and grief it does not mean that I am not coping! It just means I'm human. I need to let myself BE human. But most of all, it's okay to cry. I don't have to stop myself when the tears come. And that my friend's is my most recent great realization.
And I tell you, prayer has helped immensely these past few months as well. If you've never seriously attempted prayer I really encourage you to give it a try. There is someting to be said for relinquishing control to God. Especially if you have raging control issues like I do. I admit that it takes a continued effort and practice, this whole letting go and letting God thing, but the result has been that I feel so much less of a need to control everything, and consequently I feel so much less pressure to be and do things perfectly. It has also helped me to feel less alone at times too. Not once when i have sat down to pray has God said,"You know I'm really busy. Can I call you back?" LOL I like that.
I will try to be on the board more often. This cite was a blessing when things got harry for me in Dec, and I hope to be able to offer the same kind of support I recieved then. So thank you for reading my little novel! Take care and God bless!
Jess

Blessings, Suz
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