another surgery? no more kids for me
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another surgery? no more kids for me
| Wed, 03-09-2005 - 1:04pm |
hi all. it's been a while since i sat and wrote a bit, updated my situation.
i learned on sunday that i have another problem with my *female parts*, a rather serious and untreatable one - to top off the others i learned off during last week's surgeries. i was already told that carrying another child would be very difficult if not impossible, but i would probably be able to get pregnant - having the baby is another story. now that i have another serious problem, one that isn't fixable while staying fertile, it looks as though there will never be another child for us. i am truly devastated. DH has been very supportive, we have struggled with the decision but really there wasn't a choice.
i see my dr on monday, and if all is as we have been told, then i will be scheduling a full hystorectomy. i am only 23, this would make the 5th surgery since mid-january and my 10th since i was 16 yrs old. my mom pointed out that although difficult to go through with, i will likely find that i feel better after i've healed than i have since i was 12 and dealing with a severe bleeding disorder (with month long periods, anemia, birth control pills on high dosages, cramps to disable a person...). i have been through so much, i just cannot even imagine how i've survived it all. my family has been very supportive, even the inlaws! we thought maybe we'd have a year or two to have another child but that won't happen now. perhaps someday we'll be in a position to adopt a child. there are so many in need of good homes and love, maybe i will just have to adjust my dream and take care of a child not of my body.
i saw my psychiatrist this morning, my counselor yesterday. they were shocked at the latest developments. i told them the last time i saw them that i felt it wasn't over yet, my ordeals and health problems of late. they tried to convince me otherwise but i said i just truly believe this isn't the end. so i was, sadly, right.
she increased my meds, lexapro to 20 mg daily, klonipin to 3 pills daily, and the tazodone stays at 50 mg at bedtime. she is concerned with my not sleeping well. i said i sleep, i just wake up a lot and as soon as i realize who i am (LOL) i start thinking and struggle to turn my brain back off. my panic attacks have not stopped, i have at least one a day, sometimes 3. i told her i am not feeling that the klonipin is working for me, and if this increased dosage doesn't work we will consider xanax. she is worried about it's addictive effects. i am just worried about my uselessness as a mom and wife, with my severe pain and panic attacks. i can hardly be alone with my son anymore, i can't lift him and i have (somedays) such severe attacks i literally pass out. DS is 2, not a child who can understand these things or help mommy.
well that's me, more problems and more panic attacks. one of these days i really will have to return to normal, right? if there is such a thing as normal?
~leslie
i learned on sunday that i have another problem with my *female parts*, a rather serious and untreatable one - to top off the others i learned off during last week's surgeries. i was already told that carrying another child would be very difficult if not impossible, but i would probably be able to get pregnant - having the baby is another story. now that i have another serious problem, one that isn't fixable while staying fertile, it looks as though there will never be another child for us. i am truly devastated. DH has been very supportive, we have struggled with the decision but really there wasn't a choice.
i see my dr on monday, and if all is as we have been told, then i will be scheduling a full hystorectomy. i am only 23, this would make the 5th surgery since mid-january and my 10th since i was 16 yrs old. my mom pointed out that although difficult to go through with, i will likely find that i feel better after i've healed than i have since i was 12 and dealing with a severe bleeding disorder (with month long periods, anemia, birth control pills on high dosages, cramps to disable a person...). i have been through so much, i just cannot even imagine how i've survived it all. my family has been very supportive, even the inlaws! we thought maybe we'd have a year or two to have another child but that won't happen now. perhaps someday we'll be in a position to adopt a child. there are so many in need of good homes and love, maybe i will just have to adjust my dream and take care of a child not of my body.
i saw my psychiatrist this morning, my counselor yesterday. they were shocked at the latest developments. i told them the last time i saw them that i felt it wasn't over yet, my ordeals and health problems of late. they tried to convince me otherwise but i said i just truly believe this isn't the end. so i was, sadly, right.
she increased my meds, lexapro to 20 mg daily, klonipin to 3 pills daily, and the tazodone stays at 50 mg at bedtime. she is concerned with my not sleeping well. i said i sleep, i just wake up a lot and as soon as i realize who i am (LOL) i start thinking and struggle to turn my brain back off. my panic attacks have not stopped, i have at least one a day, sometimes 3. i told her i am not feeling that the klonipin is working for me, and if this increased dosage doesn't work we will consider xanax. she is worried about it's addictive effects. i am just worried about my uselessness as a mom and wife, with my severe pain and panic attacks. i can hardly be alone with my son anymore, i can't lift him and i have (somedays) such severe attacks i literally pass out. DS is 2, not a child who can understand these things or help mommy.
well that's me, more problems and more panic attacks. one of these days i really will have to return to normal, right? if there is such a thing as normal?
~leslie

I don't have much advice to offer to you. Just reading your story made me marvel that you were actually sitting there writing it. You have already shown such strength!! You will find your normal! I"m sure of it. And in the mean time, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. ((((Hugs))))
Jess
You are one strong woman! You will feel better with time!
I am sorry you will not be able to have more children.
That is a loss that is hard to take! You have a healthy outlook
and I am sure you will be better soon.
You have gone through so much pain and anxiety you need some
relief! Take it slow and be good to yourself!
As for taking care of your son perhaps you could ask for help
from one of your relatives or friends. Start a play group or something
so that you are not always responsible for his care.
I had 3 children and panic attacks so I can relate to what you
are going through! It is very difficult. Rest when he does that helped
me lots! I have to say even when filled with panic I was aware of
what my kids were doing and able to care for them. It seems like you
are not able to I know that feeling, however you can and will get
past this! My prayers are with you, Judy
Oh {{{Leslie}}} I'm so sorry for all of your pain. I am 27 (will be 28 next month) and I just had a complete hysterectomy in November.
Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,
thank you all again. i did click on the hystorectomy link and will take a look later. thanks.
~leslie
Blessings, Suz
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