Hi Janis, going thru too much to deal

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Hi Janis, going thru too much to deal
7
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 5:44pm

I have been thinking of you all on a regular basis and care very much how you all are

i am right now very worried and concerned with what is going o here with my self and my kids.

I am such a screwwup that it is not even funny anymore.
My mistakes and shortcomings are leadining my ids into stup thinks and ideas
I feel just like giving up and just to go back to my boyfriend and leave all this stuffbehind.

I can't deal with the anxiety nor the depression and sadness.

I am not worth all this and I am definately not worth this pain and ugliness to my kids. I still want to drink and am not willing to give it up.

I feel like just funking say goodbye and stop looking back

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 6:20pm

That's BS & you know it, Vicky. You have turned yourself around & if you have had a setback, you can turn yourself around again. Pulling ourselves up from rock bottom is hard. It hurts. It's just as painful for us to do, as it is for others to watch. If you are drinking now, call your sponsor from AAA. Post on your board that you need help. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call 1-800-Suicide or get yourself to an ER.

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:02pm
Vicky I want you to know that I care about you and KNOW that you
can and will feel better!! I thought I was better and had
a panic attack today sending me into a tailspin!!
I KNOW it is hard to keep trying!! WE HAVE TO DO THIS
your children LOVE YOU so much!
If you want to Instant Message me or email me
please do that eikooc742@aol.com
You can do this you are strong!!
Whatever you are feeling or doing can be
helped!! Please let me know how you are!! Judy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:08pm

Vicky,


Sweetie, I don't know if you have posted over on my board yet or not, and I will go look there in a minute cuz there

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 11:29pm

Vicky, Here are 4 boards that may be of help to you. These are people that are going through similar circumstances. Hang on and know that you are a worthy person.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhalcoholano


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhalcohol


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhivh12step


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhsuicidesur


KT


      

    

Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 10:04am

Vicky,


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 12:04pm

I want to thank you Ladies, each one of you for I know that you really do care. I didn't realize while I was posting that it may look like I was thinking of hurting myself and for that scare I am sooooo sorry. Running away from home again I couuld see happening but not hurting myself. I can't apologize enough for that kind of scare to you all.

I just have been getting so severely sad with reading the things my dd is putting on the computer to her friends about me and I started thinking that maybe she would be happier if i just left again. I know that I can't do that and I'm not planning on it but it sure sounds tempting when it seems that no matter what I do it is a bad thing to her. She even took a moment that I thought was loving and precious and turned it into an angry and ugly thing. She colored her hair blue at christmas time and the color has really faded. In the back it looks kinda silver and is really kinda neat looking. WE were talking with my son and I lovingly told her that her hair was more gray than mine. She smiled up at me like I felt we had connected in a nice way. But she told her boyfriend online that it really pissed her off and that she liked the way it looked.

I have been drinking agian over the last couple of weeks and it is taking it's toll on all of us. But getting drunk 3 times in 6 weeks is not being drunk everyday nor is it cause for her to be saying that she hates everytime I leave the house cause she knows I will be drunk when I come back.

I think that I am at a point that I just need to quit looking into the logs on this computer and stop worrying so much about how she feels cause I'm letting it get to me too bad. And being away from Emmette is not helping. He is such a source of strength for me. I thought I was going to get to go and spend the weekend with him and it didn't come about. I am missing him greatly. I know that is part of me not coping well.

I do know that everyday is not going to be as hard as yesterday and the days leading up to it have been. But I think I really needed the breakdown to be able to go on holding my chin up when I don't feel it.

I know that I have to be patient and expect there will be hard times and unpleasant feelings and all. But I just am trying to get a grip cause it is getting so hard holding on. I love that you all cared enough to respond and show your concern and love for me and please believe me it really helps. Last night was a dark and horrible night for me and I could let go and get some of it out as dd was spending the day and night with her father.

Thank you again for caring and for being there for me. I have been feeling so alone and lost but You show me i'm not alone.

Allmy heart,

Vicky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 4:31pm
Thanks for letting us know how you're doing. We are all works in progress, Vicky. I have plenty of troubles with my teen dd. She wishes me dead right to my face. It's a struggle. I understand if posting & reading posts trigger, but you need to get some *real life* help. Are you going to meetings? Are you seeing a therapist? We are on your side. Please keep in touch. If you disappear, we have no choice but to worry ourselves sick. E-mail me anytime you need, too. Good luck & GBU. (((hugs))) jan